Rethinking the Closet: Coming Out vs Inviting In

What would you do at home if your living room is messy, and suddenly, your doorbell rings??If you are like me, you’ll look around the room, quickly pick up as much stuff as you can and hide them away in your closet!

*My name is Dr. Lulu aka The Momatrician, my pronouns are she/her/hers, and I identify as queer. I am also a pediatrician, a parent ally, and a parent coach.?

Today we shall rethink the closet, and explore a new process for sharing our gender or sexual identities as LGBTQ+ persons.?In this piece, I shall interchange LGBTQ+ with the word Queer which is currently an accepted umbrella term for members of the community.

Back Story?

When I was ONLY 16, I told Ochiagha 1 of Amesi, aka my very traditional Nigerian Catholic Igbo father that I liked girls. He shook his head, waved it off, and told me it was only a phase. So I did what many children would do, I believed him, went about my business, and never mentioned it again!

But, I subsequently struggled with guilt, anxiety, and shame about my sexuality and had a hard time coming to terms with who I really was.?However, I grew up, got married to my now ex-husband, had 3 beautiful babies, and did my best to ignore my attraction to women.?

I failed!

Fast forward…

I had always suspected that my first child who was assigned male sex or gender at birth was “gay”. Some parents just do.?But like many families, we never talked about it at home, not until the Summer of 2020, at the award ceremony of the virtual graduation from Stanford University.?

The announcer kept saying “they” this and “them” that, while referring to my kiddo.?Puzzled, I asked, “Son, kini gbogbo eleyi? I thought you were the only one receiving the award. Who are all these other people this man is talking about?”That was the first time I learned about the non-binary gender and they/them pronouns came front and center into my orbit!

Mbanu!?Even as a queer person myself, I wasn’t having ANY it!?So, my reaction was to push back, dig my heels in, and insist on understanding exactly what was happening!

?HUGE MISTAKE!

Why wasn’t I ever told??

Today, my first child identifies as a transgender woman and her pronouns are she/her/hers.?And like you, I also wondered why she didn’t ever share her true gender identity with me while she was growing up.

The answer is quite simple, I never created a safe enough space for her to do so, and today, I deeply regret her childhood days when I repeatedly scolded her about “acting like a girl…”

Like me, many parents erroneously focus on first understanding, rather than simply knowing. However, depending on their age and developmental stage, some children may not fully understand what is happening to them.

So, insisting on understanding before affirming and supporting, creates a HUGE obstacle in the parent-child relationship at that point. NOT to make any excuses, what was really happening to me was I was afraid, and I allowed my fear to cloud my judgment!?

I focused on the negative narratives I had heard about the transgender community, particularly Black trans-women.?In her words, “Mom, our home was mostly homophobic when I was young. You and my ex-dad were very transphobic!”

I allowed those narratives to fuel fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, and even anger in my heart, causing her much distress, and nearly costing us our relationship.

What is coming out?

“...Coming out is more than confessing a lifelong secret or managing the reactions of others…”?

• Robert Espinoza , Vice President of Policy, PHI

When we reveal our non-heterosexual and/or non-gender-conforming identity to the outside world, it is commonly referred to as coming out.?But what situations do people usually come out from??

1. Addiction
2. Depression?
3. Poverty
4. Toxic Relationships, etc.?

Why then are Queer persons placed in this category??While coming out is a critical part of our queer experience, in truth, the process as it is today is largely centered on the person receiving the information, and not the queer person, thereby giving them the power to accept or reject us.

?The revelation should be about OUR liberation, our visibility, and authenticity, but is it though? Why do we have to “manage the reactions of others”, or have to explain ourselves in order to become fully accepted?

Straight people never have to do that. There are no big revealing announcements for them, yet for queer folk, not coming out feels dirty and even dishonest.?Studies show that there are two peak periods of suicidal behavior in queer youth, when they first realize they are indeed queer, and when they “come out”, to their family, specifically because of the fear of rejection.?

Hence the often common decision to remain in the closet …

But Whose Closet is it Anyway?

But let me ask you though, “Whose closet is it anyway?” Whose great “idea worth spreading” was it to lock any human experience away in a closet? Thereby completely invalidating our queer existence while in that space.?

And whose decision should it then be as to when we are allowed out (of the closet)?

Like real closets, the closet metaphor has become a case of words imitating life. Serving the purpose of keeping our true selves a secret, and hidden from the public eye. We are often viewed as abnormal, immoral, unnatural, and even a threat to the cis-gendered heteronormative status quo.

…Au contraire the reverse is the case… A HUGE reason why many queer persons remain silent about their identities is the clear and present danger that awaits us when they don’t.?

Many of us face anti-LGBTQ+ legislation, bullying, homelessness, imprisonment, moral condemnation, ostracization, homicide, or other forms of violence, and sadly, sometimes it comes from our own family members.

As a result, up to 60% to 80% of queer persons develop mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, and suicidal behavior OR suicide at some point in their lives. That rate is up to 2.5 times higher than their straight gender-conforming counterparts.?

And lest I forget, coming out is never just a one-time thing, we must decide on a daily basis whether to reveal our true self, and whom to reveal it to…pretty exhausting at the very least if you ask me.

And since you asked... What if there is another way around it?

"For me, 'coming out' gives the power to the other person to accept or deny you"... "When you're 'inviting them in,' you have the power."

• Karamo Brown , The Queer Eye

What if we completely abolished the concept of the closet and the “Coming Out” process and replaced it rather with the phrase “Inviting In”? In this situation, the queer person is inviting you, the ally into their world.

The beauty of an invitation is, it centers solely on the host who reserves the right to rescind your invitation or upgrade you to VIP status.?

An invitation is about autonomy, power, and privilege. It allows the queer person to first ensure that you are safe, before handing you your invitation, and you, on the other hand, must earn said invite!

Replacing “coming out” with “inviting in”, places the queer person in the driver’s seat and in full control of their own lives.?Meaning, you have NO entitlements, my friend, rather, we initiate the sharing, which gives us agency over what, when, and who.?

Inviting in is ultimately, therefore, about ALLYSHIP, self-empowerment and self-preservation thus honoring our lives before and after the invitation.

What if? What if?? What If???

1. What if we could eliminate cis-gendered ideologies like gender assignment at birth and just allow children to be themselves?
2. ?What if no one gets to decide what is “normal” and what is not, how we live our lives, or whom we love?
3. ?What if we change our attitudes towards things we don’t know and don’t understand?
4. What if we cease to see anyone different from us as a threat?
5. What if we simply threw the keys to the closet away for good?

Imagine that?! Imagine with Me.

Imagine a world where queer persons are free to live their lives from birth to natural death??What a wonderful world that would be! ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?

How do We Create Such a World?

1. How do we create safe spaces??
2. How do we earn our invitations?
3. How do you make this world a better place for me, my child, and all LGBTQ+ persons? And there are many of us, as of February 2022, up to 7.1% of adults in the United States identify as LGBTQ+ and that number has more than doubled since 2012. So look around your space… You never know.?

I'll tell you how…

1. We must begin from within, by embracing the Usquared method, which is unlearning the untruths about the Queer community. It is not a phase like my beloved father thought. It is not a choice like many of you think, it is not the other parent like my ex-husband thinks...

It is none of the multiple myths, mistakes, and misconceptions out there in circulation about the queer community.

1. We must challenge the negative narratives and moral judgment around all things queer.
2. And lastly, you must welcome each of us as whole persons just the way we are, meaning, seeing my child as a “decent human being”, and NOT a “deviant Black man”.

Thankfully, today, our relationship is thriving and on the mend, and I’m all she’s got!

CTA/Invitation:?

In closing, I’d like to invite you to embrace the inviting in process.?We all have aspects of our lives that society expects us to hide.?For some, it’s an abortion, bankruptcy, or a disability and for others, it’s an addiction, a sexual assault or suicidal ideation.

We should all be free to share our lives only with the people we choose. Our stories should never be forced or “outed” without our consent.?

To everyone:?

Take a moment to reflect on what it would mean to hide a portion or portions of your life in a closet, and make it a duty to become kinder, more intentional, and more mindful in your dealings with people, queer or not.

To parents:?

There are multiple reasons why your child might not invite you into their world.?Your job is to embrace your role as a parent ally, accept, affirm and support them unconditionally, and at all costs avoid making it about you.?

While it is OK to worry about the safety of your child, please know that you can never truly fully protect them from this world.

And as you unlearn your biases, understand that direct questions like “Iz you gay or iz you not gay?”, or “Are you sure you are really are transgender?” Are actually NOT a cool way to find out if your child is in fact, gay or transgender.?

Rather, approach your child’s queerness from curiosity. Ask yourself questions like: "What does my child need from me today, right now?" "How can I make their burden lighter?" or "How can I avoid being their first bully?"?

To the queer person:?

First off, your life has never been defined by closet walls. So, own your shit, and take your power back! You reserve the right to invite whomever you choose into your RAINBOW world! And if you don’t remember anything else, remember this:?

You are worthy of love.?

You have value.?

You are enough just the way you are.

And so each October, as we celebrate LGBTQ+ history month, remember on the 11th, National Coming Out Day to celebrate that day, and every day, all the beautiful, colorful, and complex ways we queer folks exist.

I shall end with this original quote…

“While disclosing my queer identity is about vulnerability, by coming out to you, I am actually holding you responsibile for protecting my special interest. But, by inviting you in, I become immune, shielded, and inaccessible to your ability to harm or hurt me in my vulnerability.” - Dr. Lulu

And so, I ask you, “Will you earn your invitation”?????????

Je vous remercie beaucoup, muchisimas gracias de mi corazon, ndi b’anyi ekenem’unu, da’alu nu o! Thank you!

1. https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/problem-with-coming-out-inviting-in

2. https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/understanding-anxiety-and-depression-lgbtq

3. https://www.weareiowa.com/article/news/health/lgbtq-mental-health-iowa-statehouse-bill-resources/524-11a0c70f-98ff-4295-8520-14c1797f5f69

4. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10902-020-00276-y

5. https://www.ndtv.com/health/hopelessness-helplessness-and-worthlessness-warning-signs-of-depression-from-expert-2247061

6. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5540846/

*Global numbers:?

7. https://www.statista.com/statistics/1270134/distribution-sexual-attraction-worldwide/

8. Williams Institute global numbers

9. https://nbjc.org/resource/inviting-in-toolkit/

10. https://news.gallup.com/poll/389792/lgbt-identification-ticks-up.aspx

11. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/survey-2022/

12. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7087348/