Rethinking Aggressive Representation in Divorce: A Family-Focused Approach

As a family law attorney, I often encounter clients and observe discussions on social media where people ask for a “bulldog lawyer”—someone aggressive and combative who will fight tooth and nail for their interests in a divorce. While I understand the frustration and pain that drives this request, my years of experience have shown me how profoundly destructive such an approach can be, not only to the family unit but also to the individuals themselves.

A recent post by my friend and fellow attorney/mediator, Karen Botha , inspired me to reflect further on the concept of “bulldog lawyers.” With Karen’s gracious permission, I have chosen to expand on her insightful perspective and explore the topic in greater depth through this blog.

Divorce is one of the most emotionally charged and life-altering experiences anyone can face. The choices made during this process, including the type of legal representation, can significantly impact the journey and the outcomes. I’ve witnessed firsthand how combative tactics by “bulldog lawyers” can escalate conflict, prolong the process, and leave families, especially children, in the crossfire of unnecessary hostility.

This blog explores why choosing a lawyer who prioritises resolution, cooperation, and understanding over aggression can make a world of difference. Divorce doesn’t have to be a battle; it can be a transition—one that prioritises healing, emotional well-being, and the preservation of important relationships. Let’s look at why an amicable approach, guided by a compassionate lawyer, is not just preferable but often essential for families navigating this difficult time.

The reality is that divorce is a challenging and emotional experience for everyone involved—spouses, children, and extended families. The complexities of emotional turmoil, financial concerns, and co-parenting responsibilities often make it feel like a battle. In such a delicate situation, many people seek legal representation to protect their interests, but there's a growing conversation about whether a so-called “bulldog” lawyer is really the best choice for families going through a divorce. ‘Bulldog’ lawyers often cause more harm than good”.

In legal circles, a "bulldog" lawyer is often portrayed as aggressive, combative, and determined to fight for their client’s interests at all costs. While this approach might seem appealing for some, especially when dealing with emotionally charged issues, it can be far from ideal for families navigating divorce. Here’s why families don’t necessarily need a “bulldog” lawyer when going through divorce proceedings:

1. Divorce is Not a Battle; It's a Transition

One of the key reasons why families don't need a bulldog lawyer is that divorce is not about "winning" or "losing." It's about moving forward and transitioning into new phases of life. A lawyer who focuses on combative tactics can escalate an already tense situation, turning it into an ongoing battle. This could create more animosity and resentment between spouses, making it harder to find common ground, especially when co-parenting is involved.

Instead, a lawyer with a more collaborative and solutions-oriented approach can help facilitate an amicable settlement that benefits everyone, including children. The goal should be to work together to find a fair resolution rather than turning the proceedings into a conflict-driven confrontation.

2. The Impact on Children

For families with children, a bulldog lawyer’s aggressive approach can have negative consequences. Divorce can already be emotionally difficult for kids, and seeing their parents engage in a high-conflict legal battle can exacerbate their anxiety. A lawyer who encourages or exacerbates hostile behaviour between parents may inadvertently harm the children’s well-being, making it more difficult to co-parent effectively.

On the other hand, a family law attorney focused on finding mutually agreeable solutions can reduce the emotional strain on children. This promotes a healthier environment for them to adjust to their new family dynamic. If the lawyer fosters communication between both parents and keeps the children’s best interests in mind, the chances of co-parenting successfully after the divorce increase.

3. Financial Implications of an Aggressive Lawyer?

A bulldog lawyer may appear to be a strong advocate for their client’s rights, but their approach can also be incredibly costly. Aggressive litigation often leads to extended court battles, multiple hearings, and a higher level of emotional strain—all of which translate into greater legal fees. Prolonged legal disputes can also drain the financial resources of both parties, leaving less for a fresh start after the divorce.?

Instead of spending thousands on court battles, families can often save money by working with a lawyer who specialises in negotiation and mediation. Collaborative law can be a more cost-effective option, where both parties and their lawyers agree to resolve issues outside of legal system.

4. An Unwillingness to Cooperate

A bulldog lawyer might be focused solely on the client's interests and determined to win at all costs, which could mean pushing for litigation rather than negotiation. While some cases do require court involvement, the vast majority of divorce cases can be resolved with cooperation between both parties, especially when both are open to compromise.?

A lawyer who promotes cooperation, rather than division, is better equipped to guide a couple through the divorce process in a way that encourages understanding. Mediation and collaborative divorce processes have shown to be incredibly effective internationally, allowing both spouses to have more control over the outcome and create mutually beneficial arrangements.

5. Emotional Toll on the Client

Divorce is not just a legal process; it’s an emotional journey. A bulldog lawyer’s aggressive tactics can intensify the emotional toll on a client, making them feel more angry, fearful, or upset. A lawyer who doesn’t consider the emotional aspects of divorce may contribute to the stress, making it harder for the client to heal and move on.

Conversely, a lawyer who takes a compassionate, supportive approach can help ease this emotional burden. They can explain the process, provide reassurance, and guide the client through difficult moments. Divorce is painful, but it doesn’t have to feel like an all-out war. A lawyer who offers both legal expertise and emotional support can be invaluable during this time.

6. Long-Term Relationships Matter

For those with children, divorce doesn’t end when the court proceedings are finished. Parents will need to continue co-existing and co-parenting for years to come. A bulldog lawyer’s combative approach may create a long-lasting rift between the parents, which could negatively affect future interactions, especially when decisions need to be made about children.

A lawyer who understands the importance of preserving an amicable relationship between parents—despite the divorce—can help reduce future conflicts and make parenting after divorce smoother. Keeping lines of communication open between both parents can help foster a more cooperative environment for the children’s sake.

7. The Power of Mediation

Mediation is a valuable tool in divorce proceedings, where an impartial third party helps both spouses work through their issues and reach a fair agreement. A bulldog lawyer, who might prioritise a “winner” mentality, may not embrace the idea of mediation, as they may feel that they’re losing control. However, mediation offers a peaceful, confidential environment for both parties to express their concerns and desires.

Choosing a lawyer who supports alternative dispute resolution methods like mediation or collaborative law can lead to more satisfying outcomes without the need for a court battle. This approach is not only healthier for the individuals involved but can also save time, money, and emotional energy.

8. Litigation Has Become Much Like a Slow, Expensive Game of Russian Roulette

Litigation in family matters often feels like an unpredictable gamble—slow, expensive, and with outcomes that can be devastating for all involved. The exorbitant costs associated with prolonged court battles can drain financial resources, leaving families with little to rebuild their lives post-divorce. In addition to the financial strain, inordinate delays caused by court backlogs only add to the emotional toll, dragging out an already painful process.

Moreover, the litigation process often follows a cookie-cutter approach, treating unique family dynamics and challenges as mere legal formalities. This one-size-fits-all system rarely accounts for the specific needs of the individuals or, most importantly, the children caught in the middle. For families, this rigidity and lack of personalized solutions often exacerbate conflicts rather than resolve them.

Choosing a lawyer who promotes mediation and collaboration can spare families the unpredictability and strain of litigation, providing a pathway to resolutions that are more humane, cost-effective, and tailored to their unique circumstances.

Choosing the Right Lawyer for a Family-Friendly Divorce

?When going through a divorce, the type of lawyer you choose can make all the difference. Most families don’t need a bulldog lawyer that intensifies conflict, drains finances, and damages relationships. Instead, they need a lawyer who prioritises resolution, cooperation, and understanding of the emotional complexities involved. A lawyer who embraces negotiation, mediation, and collaboration offers families the opportunity to move forward peacefully, with a focus on healing, financial stability, and preserving important relationships for the future.

In the end, a family-friendly approach to divorce is far more beneficial in the long run than a combative “win-at-all-costs” strategy. A skilled, empathetic lawyer can help guide you through this challenging time while minimising the emotional and financial costs of an adversarial approach.