Rest is Indeed Resistance

It's incredible how valuable stillness and silence is. Since a young child I was conditioned to be in motion, driven to escape generational poverty and the adverse childhood experiences that surfaced due to living in a system designed to oppress the many and uplift the few. I naively thought that if I attained a certain level of education, secured the top position at a respectable company, and purchased "all the things" that signaled to others that "I made it"... I would be rewarded with perpetual happiness and joy. Yet, despite me working tirelessly to do each of those things while building a family and being the most upstanding volunteer I could be, I never quite achieved that feeling of unyielding joy... yet, I still kept moving...

That drive to keep moving felt immovable and by my surprise, this time last year I was met with an unstoppable force that propelled me into a state of stillness. I was invited to attend a retreat where Black and Brown executive leaders in the nonprofit industry were invited to rest. It was a time for sisterhood, reflection and selfcare. Despite how incredibly silly I felt the whole idea was at first, I decided to give it a try, thinking that a night or two without having to take on the duties I bare as a wife, mother and professional would be nice. To spare the exhaustive and dare I say special details of the entire event, I will share the most impactful... An intentional portion of the event was designed to promote rest and time for us each to have uninterrupted time with ourselves. I hadn't done that, just reconnected with Kyesha in more years than I dare to admit.

Through that invitation of stillness, I began to walk down a path of honesty, clarity and realignment that created the conditions for me to recommit to loving myself and fully letting go of all things that no longer served me. I had always maintained so much pride in my "bootstraps narrative," working hard, failing forward and not letting my past nor challenges of the future inhibit my success. After years of "grinding" I had "made it," so why did I still feel like there was a gaping hole in my heart? I mean so what if my husband, children and I moved away from our entire support system in 2019 to relocate to Georgia only to be met by a global pandemic, national civil unrest, my mother-in-law having a stroke, the passing of both my uncles, my dad's death, and a host of other personal challenges that are immaterial to share... At the time, I felt that those things paled in comparison to what I had to deal with as a child... soo I was alright, right? Well, I thought so, and so I continued to show up as the awesometastic hard working boss lady professional for which I had become known to be. I had the great honor to be leading an organization whose mission meant the world to me and supporting my colleagues and our community through some of the toughest times in our lives, I didn't have time for feeling, feelings. That behavior of mine, suppressing my own need to heal and replacing it with serving, supporting and excelling continued until shortly after that retreat in 2023.

I would like to say that I walked away from the retreat instantly renewed and ready to have balance in my life BUT I didn't. I actually joked about how impractical the notion of rest, balance and self-love was for a person like me who wore so many hats for soo many people. Now of course I told everyone else how important those things were for them, but that definitely had zero to do with Ky lol. Yet, for some reason with each passing day, I became increasingly aware of how overwhelmed, exhausted and just sad I was. It got to the point where I would just burst into tears unprompted while simply picking up take out for my kiddos. If you know me, you know I am NOT the type to sit around weeping, especially since I was teased aggressively about my "crybaby" antics as a child. Yet, there I was... just crying in a random parking lot, likely looking quite peculiar to all that passed by. So, maybe, just maybe I needed to reevaluate things.

Once I came to grips with that, I told myself that I'd no longer be trapped by people pleasing, an unhealthy desire to bear the responsibility of the world and a destructive urge to be liked and accepted. I learned that multiple things can be true at the same time. I was eternally thankful to be a successful CEO in a career that was incredibly morally and intellectually rewarding but emotionally and spiritually draining; have an incredible little family that I adored and yet demanded so much of me that I lost sight of who I was; and serve(d) as a coach, mentor and support for hundreds of people over the years yet found myself feeling unseen and under supported because of my perceived strength. Through this honest reflection, I finally came to the realization that my feelings weren't caused by things that did or didn't happen to me yet were because of my limited ability to maintain healthy boundaries and love myself fully. WHEW, that was a tough pill to swallow.

So, instead of making a frivolous new year's resolution for 2024, I led with an intention to go into the new year loving myself better. I even deemed it Ky's year of selfishness. This was very uncomfortable for me considering that I felt that taking even the slightest time to prioritize me over others was somehow negative. I still continued on and tried all kinds of things to reconnect with Kyesha Andrea Sheppard (now Lindberg) and oh what a beautiful journey it has been. I'm getting physically, mentally and spiritually healthier... finally living vs simply existing and developing a real affinity towards the right now. I made big professional shifts yet am continuing to do meaningful work, I traveled A LOT, picked up quite a few hobbies and more importantly, maintained a constant routine where I simply reconnected with myself. Yes, I am still a loving mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and public servant BUT I am the person named Kyesha first. And may I say she is pretty amazing, interesting, awkwardly charming, kind, caring and worthy. But she is not, nor will she ever be PERFECT.

I have a long journey ahead, but I am so very proud of what I have accomplished thus far. So much so, that last month, after a pretty rewarding strategy conversation with people that I deeply respect, I decided to open myself up to them. We all began to simply chat a bit about our experiences in leadership and through that my dear sisters shared their experiences which paralleled what I'd navigated in the not-so-distant past. So, I shared my journey with them. The abridged version of course lol. To my surprise, they gained energy from it and told me how reaffirming my testimony was and how therapeutic having space to be heard and to share so authentically was for them. Some even encouraged me to share more and to make more spaces for intentional, vulnerable and safe conversations... soo, this is my first step at fulfilling their feedback.

There is nothing wrong with ambition nor having professional, relationship or other goals BUT not at the expense of you. You are so incredibly special and were uniquely designed to be just who you are. This is a lesson that I now hold closely to my heart. To you my dear LinkedIn community, I hope that you take time to check in with yourselves before you get into a "too dark corner" and know that material things nor other people can fill the void... only you can. We are the arbiters of our destiny.

Many thanks to the Women's Foundation of the South for providing me space to rest (WōC@Rest?) Also, I would be remiss if I didn't honor the amazing written works of Tricia Hersey , Rest is Resistance and the Nap Ministry's Rest Deck are tools that have helped me significantly on my journey. To my sisters in service, thank you for seeing me Shaconna Haley, Yaa Agyeiwaa, M.S. Angela D. Aina, MPH Natalie D. Hernandez-Green, PhD, MPH Tamara Taitt Shontel Cargill, MS, LMFT Kim Butler Willis, PhD,CHES,CDP Jemea Dorsey Elizabeth Mosley, PhD MPH Raina Deisch Jenny Hutchinson Kimberly Donaldson PMP, CSM Bethany Cole Munshi Asha Immanuelle RN, PHM, CPHIMS Cierra Crawford Stephany Nin-Feliz, MSW Dr. Keisha Renee' Callins, MD, MPH Katherine Sylvester PT, DPT Latasia Cox

My 2025 intention, continue to love on Ky AND make more spaces for us to connect on a human level. So many are navigating this world with a heavy load yet wear a calm face... and I hope through my small acts, I can lighten the load.

Happy New Year and let us focus on honoring our whole selves in 2025 <3 #restisresistance #ittakesavillage #servantsleader #healthequity #nonprofit #blackwomenlead #humanity