The Responsibility Trap

by Mike Mackie and Marshall Goldsmith

Many people carry a peculiar burden—an inflated sense of responsibility for things they can neither control nor influence. But responsibility should be a choice, not a reflex. When we take ownership of what isn’t ours to fix, we don’t help—we create more stress, stagnation, and performative virtue.

Take the classic holiday scenario: the host running around, trying to ensure everyone has fun, gets along, and feels comfortable. Instead of creating a relaxed atmosphere, their hyper-vigilance stresses everyone out. Guests don’t feel welcomed—they feel managed.

This happens because people confuse two key questions:

1. Am I responsible for this outcome?
2. Can I actually do something meaningful about it?

Saying “yes” to the first without an honest look at the second is a recipe for frustration. Worse, it often creates the exact problem you were trying to prevent.

The Manager Who Tries Too Hard

Imagine a manager who feels responsible for their team's happiness. Instead of fostering accountability and growth, they tiptoe around tough conversations, sugarcoat feedback, and avoid addressing underperformance to keep everyone "comfortable."

The result? Strained small talk. A stagnant team where no one improves. Resentment among high performers. And a burned-out manager who’s too busy managing emotions to drive real progress.

This pattern plays out on a larger scale, too. People feel personally responsible for societal issues, corporate decisions, and political outcomes—carrying guilt for problems they didn’t create and cannot individually solve. This rarely leads to meaningful action. More often, it results in performative concern or cynical despair.

The Virtue Trap

Many mistake misplaced responsibility for virtue. Society teaches us that caring about everything makes us good people. But indiscriminate caring isn’t noble—it’s exhausting and ineffective.?When you try to take responsibility for everything, you dilute your energy and accomplish nothing.

The key is to clarify what’s actually within your control:

? Taking responsibility where you can truly make a difference is empowering.

? Letting go of what you can’t control is liberating.

? Recognizing when “helping” becomes interfering is wisdom.

This isn’t an excuse to stop caring. If something matters to you—climate, politics, social issues—act on it. But there’s a huge difference between choosing to engage?and just feeling vaguely guilty.

• “I’m choosing to work on this issue”?→ Empowering.
• “I feel responsible for this entire problem”?→ Delusional.

When your mother or father cooks a great holiday meal, they’re owning a responsibility that is theirs. But assuming responsibility for controlling how their adult children interact? One is productive. The other is stressful and counterproductive.

The Problem with Fake Responsibility

There’s also a self-importance in claiming responsibility for things you’re not actively addressing. It allows people to signal virtue without the inconvenience of action.

When someone declares they feel terrible about a societal problem but does nothing constructive about it, they’re not showing compassion—they’re performing it.

Real responsibility requires clarity.?It’s knowing what’s within your sphere of influence, taking ownership of it, and letting go of the rest. It’s about acting where action makes sense—and stepping back where it doesn’t.

So next time you feel the weight of responsibility creeping in, pause and ask yourself:

Is this actually mine to carry?

If not, put it down. That’s not neglect—it’s wisdom.

Responsibility should be a choice, not a reflex.