Responsibilities are Anti - Aphrodisiac
I remember watching a TED Talk about the parents of the guest speaker getting a divorce after twenty – three years of apparently peaceful marriage when she was only sixteen years old and was about to go to college. She and her brothers were quite unprepared about their parent’s announcement over the family dinner that they were suddenly getting a divorce after an a happy twenty – three years of marriage. This moment inspired the guest speaker to become a marriage counselor and save the marriages from the brink of divorce, those so called “911” marriages. She mentioned that her parents rarely fought, they seemed to be the perfect couple who were meant for each other, they had a good marriage that we single people could imagine and had raised their children very well that it is unthinkable that they would separate after many years; it’s simply impossible for the likes of her parents to divorce, yet it happened. It happened so suddenly that the guest speaker still felt the impact long after her parents have parted ways. It was indeed true that her career has chosen her. At first the guest speaker didn’t know why her parents suddenly divorce but after years of her work as a marriage therapist she now understood the nuances that would lead to the ultimate break up of these couples. There is no single cause on why these divorces happen but just as a single raindrop can’t make flood but a slow and continuous rain could, chronic feeling of microrejections felt by one of the partners and their unfulfilled desires that are stretched over decades is a flood waiting to happen.
When people in long term relationships decided to get married, they marry because they thought they could be happier in their lives and they wanted to be with someone forever. But marriage is a gamble too because if you have chosen a wrong partner to spend your life with, your life will be hell while if you have chosen a very good partner, your life will be like heaven on earth and you’ll be much happier than before. Perhaps they would be excited to have a child but pretty sure most of them marry out of pure love, not to produce babies because babies are just an afterthought of love (beware of child – centered marriages though). Women’s instinct on wanting a child of her own is strong enough that it will define their womanhood, declaring that this is the ultimate proof that they are a woman and they are ready to sacrifice everything for their children, which is natural due to their inherent maternal instincts. We men fare worse in reproductive success because we have to acquire money and status first to father our children. No wonder most of us men are single and those that have acquired wealth are often serial polygamists. Evolutionarily, simply being a woman is almost a sure ticket to reproduction because majority of the woman who ever lived became mothers while most of us men die childless and bloodline died with us. It seems Mother Nature isn’t so kind to us and given us a little armament for struggle. It’s much harder to be successful than to be beautiful.
When we get to our first honeymoon, the newlyweds would be going all out and set the marital bed ablaze, pleasuring each other and hoping that it would never stop or at least wane. They have a really amazing sex, fulfilled each other’s fantasies and when they get into the act, especially women, will go all out and get wild and would eventually lead to satisfying sex lives on their first few years. There is not a single week gone without missing a sex; quickies would even count! Sex really does strengthen marriage and couples who have erotic desires to each other are the source of envy for us mere mortals with functional marriages. Couples that lusted and loved each other and are prepared to do wacky things to each other once in a while that they would set aside responsibilities to gain some time to appreciate each other, the masterpiece God has given to them, finding themselves leaving all things behind. Responsibilities are here to stay so they can wait.
Until a baby arrives.
When a newborn child will arrive in our increasingly chaotic world, the dynamics of marriage will become worse over the course of their marriage. Why? The caretakes, most overwhelmingly the mothers, will wake up in the wee hours in the night to feed her crying baby. The father does it too when the baby is hungry and the parents are going to repeat the process for months, leaving them exhausted and always thinking about this heavy responsibility of keeping this child alive. It saps their time and energy and not only that. Food, clothing, playtime with the kids and other seemingly simple responsibilities will make these new parents tired. By the time they became good at it, their passion to each other has waned, they became too tired and too responsible to maintain a comfortable domestic life that they have forgotten each other. They were reduced from being lovers to parents.
When one of the couples wanted to “fool around” and the other one isn’t willing anymore because of some reasons like he/she is too tired, he/she has something going on in her mind, he/she is sleepy or afraid that his/her child might see them. Oftentimes, it’s the husband that would initiate while the wife isn’t receptive to his advances, making both of them frustrated, angry and resentful to each other. I remember hearing a case of this couple who has been married for four years. We will call them John and Mary. They came to a therapist for marriage counselling because both of them are considering divorce. Then the session started and the therapist asked John what he feels about Mary and for the first time in their four – year marriage, John wholeheartedly opened up and talked from the bottom of his heart. Then he tells the therapist that he had only a two – hour window of opportunity from 10 in the evening to 12 in the midnight to encourage Mary to “mess around” after the kids have gone to sleep. Mary just laughed because she recognized herself in that routine. John wasn’t. He told the therapist that whenever he will try to have sex with his wife, Mary wouldn’t have it and says that “I have a headache” or “I’m not in the mood right now” and just went to sleep, making John feel crushed and just go take a cold shower. He gets to sleep beside his wife but at that point he is no longer happy, exclaiming “Is this the worst feeling in the world? Does she even love me? Does she still find me attractive? Does she even want me?” After hearing all these words from John, Mary started to weep and acknowledged her fault that she is indifferent to John’s feelings, promised that she would become a better lover for him. How I wish all marital problems could be solved by desiring each other and having that erotic fire blazing on their hearts once more. But it seems life is a killjoy to the party because the majority of the solutions to the marital problems isn’t as straightforward as acknowledging each other’s fault.
I want to ask you. Do you still desire your spouse? Do you want to have sex with your spouse? Do you imagine yourself getting happily married to your future spouse? Do you like to see the inner child in your spouse beyond her clothes, her panties and her bra and play with her (or for the men, do you want to see his playful self beyond his shorts, his clothes, his underwear and his fake mask?)? Are you willing to be vulnerable in front of your spouse, to be emotionally naked and be at a mercy of your spouse? Do you appreciate how beautiful your wife is or how alluring your husband is? Do you want to see him/her naked? Do you want to be naked in front of your spouse and let him/her admire your greatest assets? Are you happy by simply being with them even if you have been married for a while? Do you like saying your spouse’s name? Do you like cuddling or tickling your spouse? Can you still make the bed on fire after a passionate love – making? Are you jumping with joy whenever you are with him/her? Do you kiss your spouse often and smell his/her cologne? Do you not take each other for granted? Do you see yourselves as a real couple than a fulfiller of marital duties like women taking care of the kids and men earning money? Are you willing to leave the Management Inc. from your mind at let your mind explore and wander to the deepest desires of your spouse? Do you love kissing her/him? In the lips? In the cheeks? In the forehead? Do you still have the erotic desire overall? Do you like playing with his/her body and appreciate it again and again? Do you surprise him/her without any real reason except that you love him/her? Do you go to a place where both of you will become excited, even the mundane events? And lastly, which is the most important, do you prioritize your relationship to your spouse over kids? That last question is very important because that will determine if your marriage is fulfilling or frustrating. If you were able to say yes to the majority of them, you’re one lucky bastard (I’m happy at you, for real!).
Child centered marriages. These types of marriages put their children above everything else and those people who are practicing it believes that children strengthen marriages and make them look like a perfect family. Having a child is an unmistakable sign that couples love each other and is a flesh of their own. But let me tell you something about the dangers of putting your child first over your relationships. This is not all about abandoning your children their needs in favor of fueling desire into your relationship. Child – centered marriages might sound good to the ears and wouldn’t offend everybody, but someone who is perceptive enough knows that something is wrong when children are becoming the center of the family and the relationship between husband and wife is taken to the back seat. Prioritizing both children and their spouse is an impossibility, so inadvertently one of them will be left behind and it’s often the relationships or even the spouse itself is the victim of child – centered marriages.
“These days, couples with children simply spend too much time devoted solely to their kids. Don’t get me wrong, as a marriage and family therapist and a mother myself, I am fully aware of the importance of inclusivity and attention required to create a secure attachment between parent and child. What I am suggesting is that, in an age of scheduled play dates for toddlers and weekend soccer tournaments for grade-schoolers, we are over-scheduled. And it’s our fault. Somewhere along the way (between my childhood in the 80s and my parenthood in the 2000s), an unspoken yet collective movement occurred in our society that has infused a hyper-vigilance into the parenting role. More attention is devoted to our children’s activities / schedules and, frankly, to the children themselves rather than to the marriage.
This helicopter-parenting is hazardous for kids for many reasons, but perhaps more worrisome, is the undercurrent of damage to the marriage itself. Our most important role as parents is to provide love in a safe and secure environment. A secure environment consists of many things, but primarily the secure relationship between the two parents. This requires substantial time and attention. In my experience as a marriage therapist and mother, couples tend to put their relationship on the back burner when babies arrive. In the short term, this is necessary, as mom and dad are adjusting to their new roles and just trying to keep their heads above water with the new realities of sleep deprivation and cleaning up poop.
Research repeatedly demonstrates marital satisfaction plummets during the arrival of children and remains low during the course of childrearing. No one tells you that and more importantly, no one tells you what you can do about it. Couples acquiesce to their new way of life and do not share with each other what they are feeling: usually a mix of loneliness, feeling unappreciated, being pissed off at each other, and wondering where in the hell their sex life disappeared. They generally end up at my office 5 to 6 years after the first baby. They are relieved when I tell them what they are feeling is normal. They are hungry for change. They want to feel and be close again. I instruct them to reclaim a sense of who they are as a couple. This requires a change in attitude AND behavior- consistently reminding themselves that child-free time is not selfish behavior, but rather a protective behavior that will stabilize their family life.”
-Excerpt from: A Child-Centered Marriage: Good For No One
In the ancient times where people are marrying and having a child younger, these couples consider their children an accessory to their marriage, a product of their love toward each other. That was it, there was no need to prioritize the children over their significant other. They just took care of them while prioritizing their union. These kids turned out to be fine and witnessed how strong and inspiring the bonds their mothers and fathers are. In the modern times it was reversed due to the perceived competition happening in the modern world, be it on academic achievements, on finding a job in the far future, or it could be that they mistakenly believe that children must come first in their relationships and must be prioritized. These parents ended up serving too much for their children’s well – being to the detriment of the parents themselves. When parents focus too much on our children and neglect our spouses (that happens often no matter how you avoid hurting your spouse), you will hear stories like John and Mary because the children became the center of their lives and faithfully fulfilling their marital obligations that they have forgotten how to enjoy and have fun with themselves because Mary was too tired to have sex with John, crushing him in the process. Responsibility and desire butt heads that making marriage work purely by fulfilling responsible duties is a sure recipe for marital disaster. You might be a very responsible wife or husband but you will become too tired to think about sex or knowing how your spouse’s day went. Responsibility and desire don’t mix. It’s easy to destroy a marriage and we can do that without even cheating (cheating is basically a result of cheating partner’s unfulfilled needs) by being indifferent to your spouse and focusing yourself to the responsibilities of everyday life as a parent than being a lover for your spouse. Ever wonder why people in marriage cheat even if the have a responsible spouse to her children or have a husband who sustains his own family wholeheartedly? Because those responsible people have become too responsible and too mature that they no longer know how to connect and have fun with their spouse, thinking that it is childish. They no longer know on how make their marriage exciting because both of them refuse to change themselves and are satisfied on the way things are, ending up having a cheating partner who goes outside of the bounds of marriage just to make themselves feel alive and wanted. There is a saying that women cheat to escape marriage while men cheat to stay in marriage. Moreover, being responsible and taking in more roles doesn’t mean you’re mature and better than everyone else because it means you’re only good at maintaining your home afloat, juggling tasks and it’s only useful for somebody else. That explains why most jobs today entails many responsibilities but low – paying because businesses try to squeeze as much productivity as possible while giving us meager wages. If you spend your life doing this responsibility thing without regard to your spouse or to your future self, you’re gonna have a bad time because it’s akin to maintaining a ship beside the port without sailing onto the ocean. Ships wasn’t designed to be passively floating on the sea. It was designed to venture into the unknown and face strong waves to have a true purpose.
Responsibilities are for humans are what maintenance are for cars.
Further studies: