Response Requested

I have a question – actually I have lots of questions, but I will focus on one that I’ve been pondering for quite some time now: When did it become okay NOT to respond to someone?

Maybe I should be asking if it is, in fact, okay NOT to respond to someone. Maybe it is okay in some circumstances not to respond, like to spam messages or calls, unsolicited sales calls, emails, or texts, or maybe social media invites I get from people I don’t know.? On the other hand, not responding to a friend, colleague, or business partner seems to have become more of a norm, even though it’s easier today than ever to communicate.

Is that really okay? Have we become that uncivilized?

As an Executive Coach, I’ve seen how poor communication, miscommunication, or the lack of communication can have a devastating impact on people’s careers, their businesses, and on their personal lives. We tend to make one of the most basic, seemingly easiest things in life very complicated. ?Not responding makes problems even more complicated and often creates problems where there were none.

In a world that is increasingly placing a higher value on emotional intelligence – especially social awareness and empathy – many people are backsliding further and further when it comes to responsiveness and communication that builds relationships. Maybe we can blame the pandemic, remote work, and technology overload, but that's still not an excuse.

While it’s always been a fundamental element of human interaction, communicating hasn’t always been that easy.

“Back in the day,” as they say, I can understand why it might have taken a long time to get a response from someone or why someone might not respond at all. Picture a dim, candlelit room in the mid-1800’s with a small writing desk in the corner. At the top right of the desk is a pen – likely a quill from a large bird – and a well with some kind of ink. In the bottom left drawer are a few sheets of homemade paper. If I wanted to find out how my friend in another town was doing or if I wanted to share some big news, I would grab one of those sheets and start writing with my quill, dipping it in the ink well every few strokes until I completed my message.? And I had to do this deliberately, because I couldn’t just backspace (which I’ve done automatically at least ten times in this sentence alone) to correct errors.

I would then carefully fold the letter and pull out a wax stick and melt some wax onto the fold, sealing it with my monogrammed seal or signet ring. After ensuring the address was correct and clear, I would then summon a courier to take the note to the postal service or to deliver it in person to my friend. Upon receipt, my friend would pay the postage due. Depending on the process and the distance delivered, my letter could take quite some time to reach my friend, if it ever made it at all. Postal services were not that reliable.

If my note was received by my friend, to get a reply – “Congratulations on your nuptials” or something similar – my friend would have to repeat the process I went through to pen me a note.? Just to say, “Hey, I’m engaged! We’re getting married in June” and to receive the congratulatory response could take months to confer.

So, I get it. When it was such a process, communicating was hard.

Snail mail still exists today, of course, though it’s much easier and streamlined. In most cases, you can send a letter across the country or around the world in only a few days. Still, it is a bit of a process to find some stationery, get a good pen, and set aside the time to write someone a personal letter. With technology, I can understand why this process has fallen out of favor. I seldom hand write anything anymore.

Beyond snail mail communication, I can even understand that feeling of angst some of us have when our cellphone rings and it’s a friend we haven’t spoken to in a few months calling.? You know from past calls that this will probably be 30 minutes or an hour out of your day, and you just don’t want to make the time for it right now or you may legitimately be busy with something else or too busy to take the call.? So, you decline the call and send them a text with some excuse or message like “Hey, I can’t talk right now. What’s up?” in hopes that you can complete this exchange without having to spend time on the phone.?

Acceptable? Not really, but I get it. I’ve done it.

But today, we also have social media with “instant” messages, email messages, and text messages.? All these messages are indeed delivered almost instantaneously. And in many cases, I get a “Read Receipt,” “Delivered,” or “Read” message, so I know it was received.

So, back to my question: When did it become okay NOT to respond to someone?

Like many, I worked a corporate job and often received 300+ emails in a day. Many of those were junk mail that I could delete, and many others were those on which I was cc’d or bcc’d – none of which required a response. ?Others were informational messages that I could read and delete or file.? So, I could pare down my inbox pretty quickly to a still big but more manageable number of messages that required a response.

I did my absolute best to live by the “24-hour Rule,” which meant I sent some response to the email within 24 hours. Occasionally, my reply was that I needed more time to craft a thoughtful response or that we needed to connect via phone or in-person to discuss an issue.

I’m the first to admit that sometimes I would read a message and thought I had responded but didn’t. Or sometimes I would forget to respond. Or I would accidentally delete the message without responding. Things happen to all of us.

What I did not do was just ignore the message.

We are all busy, perhaps more so today in our society than ever before. And we don’t just get snail mail and email. We also get IM’s, text messages, social media messages on multiple platforms, and more, often all at the same time. As humans, we are bound to miss some of these messages. We are bound to be slow to respond on occasion.? I just received a text response from a friend yesterday on a text I sent him a week ago. He said that my message “got buried in [his] inbox.” It happens. I get it. That doesn’t bother me.

What does bother me and where civility has been lost, in my opinion, is when you send a message (instant, email, text, or other) and you get nothing for a few days or weeks, so you send a friendly prompt: “Hey, I know you’re busy, but just wanted to follow-up on my note from two weeks ago,” “Just bringing this to the top of your inbox,” or “Thoughts on this?” And still nothing. Not . . . a . . . word.

To me, that’s the definition of uncivilized. Many of us have lost that willingness to show regard for others by simply being polite.

Let’s forgive those accidental oversights – the “Oops, I forgot to reply” or “So sorry, I must have deleted your original message” – because they happen. We are busy. We get lots of communications from lots of people in lots of different ways.

But come on! What took days, weeks, or months “back in the day” can be accomplished in just a few seconds today. “I’m busy right now. Can you circle back in a couple of weeks?”? I timed it.? That took me 8.87 seconds to type.? I could probably text it even faster.? That quick reply may not be the friendliest in the world, but at least it’s an acknowledgement. I know you received my note. I know you’re crazy busy. I know you will make some time in a couple of weeks. That’s okay with me.

A colleague of mine sent me a much nicer version of that same message earlier this week. I was following up on something she and I had discussed. Rather than ignore me or be too busy to respond, she sent a simple email – “I’m really busy right now. I have a Board meeting and a celebration for our company this week. Can you circle back with me in two weeks?”

Wow! How hard was that for her? Not very. She may have spent a minute on the response, but it was incredibly thoughtful. Civilized.

This quick response was not only civilized but it demonstrated a very high level of emotional intelligence – social competence. She didn’t apologize for her schedule or for not responding sooner. She simply stated facts – she’s busy – and made a simple ask of me to circle back when it will be more convenient for her to respond.? Very savvy.? Rather than saying, “I’m busy, but I will get back to you in a couple of weeks,” which also would have been acceptable, she put the onus on me to connect with her. ?I created a calendar entry in Outlook for two weeks out, so I won’t forget to circle back.

Communication lapses – not being thoughtful in your reply or not replying at all – are the cause of much conflict in life. Being a good communicator is a core component of emotional intelligence, and it’s essential for relationship building.

Here’s a call to action: Be civilized! Respond to messages.

To engage with other people as almost all of us do on a daily basis, we need civility – the everyday actions that show respect for others and that build stronger relationships.? Even if you don’t want to communicate about something with the sender – not now or not ever – at least be civil enough to tell them.? The first step is simply responding to a message.

No response requested to this message, but I welcome your thoughts.