Respond - Don't React

Respond Don’t React

I facilitate a PAL group (Parents of Addicted Loved Ones) every Monday night. One of the PAL lessons is?Respond Rather Than React. Applying that simple lesson has transformed my life and I know it has been transformative for members of our PAL group.

We all allow ourselves to get triggered from time to time by the behavior of those around us. When we have emotional outbursts or otherwise display our displeasure with others, we never get what we want out of that relationship, and it is always bad for everyone involved.

This could never be truer than when you are dealing with your addicted son or daughter. Often, people who are struggling with a drug addiction will manipulate family and friends in an effort to get anything they can from them that will help them get their drugs. If they can lure you into a reaction, they can use your emotional outburst as ammunition against you later. They usually don’t do this intentionally. It’s the way the subconscious mind works to try and get what the brain and body are so desperately craving.

When you react to your son or daughter’s misbehavior, you give them negative attention that will make the situation worse, not better. This is a great time to try and find a quiet space if possible, take a deep breath, and let it out. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into an argument. If you don’t feel like you can have a conversation calmly, say something like this to your child, “This is not a good time for us to have this discussion. Let’s talk about this later this afternoon.” You can walk away if you need to. No matter how much they rant and rave, don’t cave in and don’t yell. The more you practice this, the better you will get at it and the more they will realize that their attempts to manipulate you won’t work.

The next step is to learn to validate your son’s or daughter’s feelings by becoming an active listener. Make eye contact with them when they’re talking. You don’t have to agree with a word they are saying but let them know that you heard them. A lot of times when they are complaining, they don’t want you to solve their problem. They just need to vent. Say something along these lines, “What I think I heard you say was… (fill in the blanks). Is that right? Then let them talk. Be sure to listen to what they’re saying so that you can ask more questions that show that you are hearing what they’re saying and that you’re interested, but don’t allow yourself to get drawn into problem-solving mode. They need to learn how to solve their own problems without your help or at least to come to you and ask for the appropriate kind of help. (not money or asking to be rescued from the consequences of their behavior)

Parenting today is difficult. When drugs/alcohol are added to the mix, it gets even more difficult. Practice defusing explosive situations and improving your communications/listening skills for improved relationships and influence.