Respected vs. Liked: Challenging an Old Maxim on Leadership

"It is better to be respected than to be liked."  I’ve heard this several times over the course of my career in the Navy.

I used to acknowledge its value. I recognized the purpose of the lesson contained therein, namely to help new leaders manage the inner struggle between their desire to be liked and the necessities of having to order others to do what may not be immediately easy or popular.  For me, the tough character of the message seemed to fit well with the hard nature of life at sea and the combat we prepared for.  Early on, I accepted it as a general truth.

However, as I progressed through my career, something about the saying started to bother me whenever I heard it.  Was it because I, myself, was too soft?   As I became more senior, gained wisdom and developed confidence in my own abilities as a leader, I noticed myself becoming troubled, even irritated, whenever I heard someone deliver it ... whether mentioned lightly as a tag-line in closing frank dialogue about the challenges of leadership, or as I heard reiterated once again to a junior officer or petty officer as age-old advice.

So, I decided to take some time to reflect, analyze the words, and figure out why the saying “It’s better to be respected than to be liked” has come to bother me.  Here is what I determined:

1.  It implies that to be liked is diametrically opposed to being respected.  The words themselves do not say that; but, when delivered to a young leader who knows they need to “toughen up” a bit, it is implied.  If they take it to heart, it may lead to the development of poor leadership practices … surface level responses that young leaders are prone to such as yelling or acting outside themselves in order to cover for a weakness. If these become habit and the leader manages to matriculate up the ranks, then we may witness the next case.

2.  In the worst case, it is abused as a crutch by self-centered, callous leaders who use it to justify poor behavior.  Confusing respect with something that is commanded or demanded, they also may view likableness as a weakness or, at best, an optional "nice to have." Toxic leaders, who completely brush kindness, empathy, or care for others aside as subgroups of being liked, often pride themselves on being tough leaders ready to make the difficult decisions. They'll vocalize that they “don’t care what others think about them,” as “it’s better to be respected than liked.”  [Fortunately, I have not met too many like this, and I do think our Navy has become much better at eliminating toxic leaders from the ranks.]

3.  The addage is an inherently self-centered mission statement. The object of the sentence is a personal end-state, one of “being” that as determined by others. These are red flags. If the goal is to develop leaders who focus on what others think of them, and one of the acceptable outcomes is that those whom they lead really don't think much of them but follow their orders out of "respect," then this age old advice should continue ... as as a prescription for emotional imbalance. But self-centered leadership is not leadership. The old addage fails to address the more important matter of what we as leaders do in support of others – most importantly those under our charge who ensure success.

4.  It dismisses the potential to be gained in a positive work environment where leadership is both respected and liked.  The leaders I have held the greatest respect for happen to be people I genuinely liked.  Some of them were tough, too (I once had to work for a guy from Philly).  We and the teams they led flourished together because of the mutual trust forged in the relations which bonded us … not because they demanded or commanded “respect.” They had it.   

The intent of the addage “It’s better to be respected than to be liked" may have had its time. There may be something still to be gained by young leaders if they are able to place it in the right perspective, but I don't believe it to be commonly accepted anymore ... because I'm not using it or accepting it.