Respect Starts Here: Understanding Your Boundaries

by Keith D. Ellison

I often start my leadership workshops with the importance of self-awareness. An area of self-awareness I spend time on is understanding our boundaries. What is a boundary??

In this context, a boundary is the limit to what we accept from others in how they communicate or behave toward us. It's the psychological borderline that separates feeling OK from being disturbed. Crossing a boundary is a violation; it disrupts our peace of mind and triggers uneasiness.?

A boundary is the proverbial line in "They've crossed the line." That line emerges when someone subtly insults, disrespects, or slights us. Examples in the workplace include an inappropriate joke, a condescending tone, or an interruption during a meeting. A gesture that makes my blood boil is getting blindsided when an overzealous team member goes over my head to upper management without giving me a heads-up.?

Those who cross the line may do so unintentionally. Nonetheless, we feel the pain, vexation, and frustration from the infraction.?

As parents set boundaries for their children, we must set limits for our colleagues, employees, supervisors, and clients. When we establish clear boundaries, others know what we expect of them. Otherwise, we become enablers of poor communication, unprofessional conduct, and microaggression.?

It's easy to assume those we work with share our same level of professional etiquette, only to be caught off guard by their behavior. At the same time, all of us possess unique boundaries. A limit for one person is not the same for another. Yet most boundaries fall below the conscious level. We become aware of them when someone crosses the line, after they say or do something that bothers us.?

So, how do we tactfully check the other person and let them know we're offended without escalating matters into a conflict? Start by checking ourselves, practicing self-awareness, recognizing how the behavior impacts us, and clearly identifying the boundary. Once we're grounded in our own feelings, we can address the person to help them understand and respect that boundary. Giving them constructive feedback requires energy and courage, especially when dealing with challenging personalities like office bullies or high-level executives. The hardest part may be realizing the boundary exists in the first place.?

Thus, respect starts with you.?????????????????????????????????????????????

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