Resilience; what it is, isn’t and how to build it when worrying about work

OK. You're in lockdown again. For the third time. Or some form of confinement. You’re exhausted from too many unproductive Zoom meetings and getting half the work done for twice the effort. Maybe you don’t yet know if you’ll have a job at the end of all this. Perhaps you run a small business or you’re a manager who’s already submitted several downsizing scenarios and you’re worried for your people and their productivity.

Unless you work for Amazon or Zoom, your numbers are shot whatever. 

You may not be an ambulance driver or frontline medic with PTSD, but the cracks are there. As an executive coach (and someone who supports hospice staff) I’ve already seen huge differences between those who have the resilience to manage and those who are struggling.

Take Simon. He arrives late to his remote meetings, he’s flustered, unshaven, unprepared and snappy. He can’t handle the initiatives he’s kicked off, doesn’t remember what he’s last said and changes his mind frequently; his team and his boss are losing faith, grumbling and worried about how he’s coping.

Crisis divides us into two groups: those who rise to the occasion and show the best of ourselves, and those whose weaknesses exacerbate everything. It’s resilience, the stuff that gives us grit, determination, focus and resolution which makes all the difference.

Like most psychological constructs, academics can’t agree on what resilience really is, so there are plenty of definitions. But research shows that there are two aspects to it. The first part helps you to cope and the second to adapt. That implies paying attention to what and how you think, then what you do. Most importantly, it’s associated with positive outcomes such as better well-being, self-management, problem-solving skills and relationships to name a few.

Psychiatrists first started investigating resilience when trying to understand the causes of shell shock in some 80,000 soldiers during WW1. By 1917, the medical profession had realised that the origins of soldiers’ suffering were psychological not physical; they weren’t dealing with damaged nerves but traumatised psyches.

But the real study of resilience began only in the 60s and 70s; when people like Glen Elder, the ground-breaking American sociologist, found that children who’d grown up in the Depression were much more resilient than people who’d faced their first challenge later in life. Moreover, those later life experiences didn’t seem to contribute as much to personal development or an ability to be resilient.

For those of you worrying about your children, resilience is best developed young.

Most recently research has changed from a negative to a positive approach. We know that the stiff-upper-lip or just-shake-it-all-off models don’t promote resilience; resilience that is compassionate, flexible and in-touch-with-life supports your ability to bounce back, show up and keep going.

What else do we know about resilience? Well, we are much hardier than we know, we are not in the main damaged by experiencing bad things (trauma is obviously different); that those tender roses are often the toughest people out there.

We also know that you need resilience in two different situations: the here-and-now; and the longer-term.

Think about 9/11.

The evacuation of the buildings took place in a calm and orderly way, as thousands of people made their way out. The remarkable resilience shown in the moment was a striking feature of this catastrophic event.

Second, relative to the entire population of Manhattan, it was incredible how few people suffered from PTSD. Shortly after the attacks, it was estimated that 7.5% of the population would need help; in fact, the figures were much lower. After four months only 1.7% of the population reported PTSD symptoms and after six months this had dropped to a mere 0.6%.

You aren’t necessarily damaged by being at the epicentre of something awful and you are much more resilient than you know because humans are beautifully built to withstand a lot, particularly if you take care of yourself.

You don’t me to tell you about exercise, fresh air, good food and sleep, along with less TV, alcohol and social media. That’s because your brain responds to whatever you feed it. So, don’t feed it anxiety and fear particularly when you’re tired. Create some boundaries for example don’t take those calls with scare-mongering friends. It’s not just the virus that’s catching; negative emotions are too. Instead block, switch off or mute unhelpful alerts, people and groups; mental calm matters.

But staying resilient right now is all about repetition.

I ask people I’m currently working to make lists of what they do for others then what they do for themselves to see how both sides balance out. I’ve had lots of people write great personal lists: yoga, meditation, walking, baking and reading. But they realise they aren’t consistent or regular in what they do. Resilience is like a muscle; you have to keep training if you want to build it. And micro-activities are enough: 10 minutes in the sun; 10 minutes in the bath; 15 minutes with a book; 15 minutes on a WhatsApp coffee chat with a friend or colleague.

If you’re a ‘when…then’ person, as in ‘when I’ve written this document, then I’ll take a break’, and work comes first at all costs, don’t try to be spontaneous. Instead schedule something in for yourself every day. Creating small rituals and pockets of control in our locked-down lives is a sure-fire way of building a greater sense of resilience and well-being.

That sense of well-being is often shaped by the goals we have at work and taking small steps toward those goals. But the goals you had before Corona are most likely unrealistic and unachievable. The result is lots of people worrying about being perceived as shirkers, made worse by the fact that it’s harder to let colleagues know what you do get done while home-working. The way to manage that is to focus on your progress. The outcomes might not be what you wanted but track what you do and how you’re doing it because that’s how you show progression.

Those are practical things you can do. How do you tackle what you think? 

The first is to address any unhelpful assumptions and beliefs. I’ve heard lots of Millennials working from home say that they need to be instantly available if someone calls them; they’re worried that otherwise they might lose their jobs. This is simply faulty thinking. The way to challenge that is to look for data and evidence; so, who has been let go for doing that? When? How? Otherwise it’s just a damaging story you’re building in your head.

The problem with these stories is that isolation means it’s harder to get perspective on problems because that casual cross-check isn’t available. That’s where the zoom technique (no, not the meeting app) can help you to see alternatives then focus on what really matters. If you find yourself mentally chewing something over unable to get unstuck, see your issue from the room next door; what do you see? Look at it from the house next door? What do you see? From the street next door? From three miles away? From the next town? Or country? And continent? Take is slowly and let your insights unfold.

You can also try doing this from a time perspective: so examine it one week from now? A month from now? Six months? A year? Five years?

Then there’s anxiety and fear; what levels are normal when dealing with a pandemic? Of course, we are all more worried than we would usually be, and often about finances. That more acute worry will make us all more tense, restless and more tired than usual. But it’s not normal to sweat, tremble, have a racing heart or thoughts, feel continuously exhausted or have trouble focusing on anything other than COVID-19 and its impact. Anxiety that gets in the way of your daily life is something you need to get professional help with.

For those of you who’d like to dial down anxiety and fear there’s being kind to yourself and meditation (try Calm, HeadSpace or InsightTimer). And there’s using the power of hope. To do this, work with a friend or colleague and write down your successes, achievements, strengths and resources and contributions first. Then note what you are hopeful of. This is a great way of putting yourself in a resourceful and resilient state then galvanising yourself to take action. And doing it with another person makes it feel more real as they remind you about you at your best.

Why does all this matter?

At some point, we’ll come out of this series of lockdowns. But there will be legacies; one of them will be what other people think of you because of the way you showed up during this time. Resilience in the short-term is going to affect your reputation for a long time to come. What do you want that to be?