Resilience: Shining Your Light

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going" -- or so the saying goes. In real time, however, it seems when the going gets tough, the tough melt down, get snarky, lash out at others, and become discouraged. Have you experienced this? As I look around and watch people react to negative circumstances, I don't see a lot of 'tough get going".?

Resilience -- that ability to bounce back -- or bounce forward -- through adversity, is a rare but vital skillset. Those who develop this competency of emotional intelligence, remaining true to being their best selves, even when surrounded by?difficult circumstances, and negative people, shine like?a bright beacon of?in a dark world.

Resilience does not come easy, or naturally for many. Those who are able to shine through tough situations know how to cope, in spite of limited resources, barriers, or setbacks. They tend to be flexible and adapt easily to change. They're not afraid of the hard work it takes to push past a hurdle. They are able to see possibilities even when times look bleak. Disappointment, for these folks, is simply that -- disappointment, and negativity does not turn into a pandemic, 'everything is awful' mindset, because they are able to view setbacks as temporary. They learn from their mistakes and exhibit a growth mindset.

“Shine your light and make a positive impact on the world.”

―?Roy T. Bennett

Those who struggle with resilience tend to see failures as permanent and lasting. There can be a tendency to dwell in the past, and struggle with change. They may be inflexible in their thought process, and see only one way as the 'right' way. People who struggle with resilience get stuck -- stuck in an old habit or pattern which does not serve them or others well. They tend to beat themselves up when they mess up, and don't know how to exercise self-care to renew their strength as needed. As a result, they get worn down, and in no time, "everything" seems "awful".

Of course resilience helps us better navigate hard times, but its benefits are far reaching. It plays an important role in emotional health.?Research at the Mayo Clinic ?proports that "resilience can help protect you from various mental health conditions, such as depression and anxiety." They go on to say, "Resilience can also help offset factors that increase the risk of mental health conditions, such as being bullied or previous trauma. If you have an existing mental health condition, being resilient can improve your coping ability."?In an article from 2011,?Resilience Enhancing Wellbeing Through the Positive Cognitive Triad , the author outlined?that people with higher levels of resilience reported higher levels of life satisfaction. A?2013 study ?showed that for those who?with mild traumatic brain injury, lower pre-injury resilience predicted higher post-injury anxiety. Research from a?2019 study ?reported that?resilience can even lead to favorable psychological and treatment-related outcomes in cancer patients.?

Resilience also has significant impact on happiness. A?cross-sectional study ?was?conducted in Korea with 224 clinical nurses to investigate the effect resilience had on the relationship between emotional labor and?their happiness. They concluded that?developing programs to?increase resilience for those who experience emotional labor are?vital to increase their level of happiness.[Resource ]

“I admire people who choose to shine even after all the storms they've been through.”

―?Germany Kent

To develop more resilience, it helps to start with building in a practice of self-care, to include:

1-Develop a healthy lifestyle.?It's practically impossible to be resilient when you are not getting sufficient sleep, eating well, or exercising. A health coach or nutritionist can help with this.?

2-Make refreshment a part of your daily routine.?Are you someone who hits the pavement running and doesn't stop until you crash in bed at night? Try incorporating periods of refreshment throughout the day, whether it be mental or physical rest. Take breaks. Meditate. Think about things other than work here and there. See if you can't fit?bursts of activity which bring you joy, like a short walk, or listening to your favorite song, even (or maybe I should say "especially") if you are busy.

3-Challenge "the sky is falling" mentality.?It's easy when times are tough to start thinking everything is tough. Stop and recognize where the stress is originating, name it, and allow it to stand alone. Just because one thing in your life is difficult doesn't mean that overwhelm has to bleed onto everything else. This is a time when compartmentalizing can be helpful.?

4-Remember how you succeeded last time.?This is probably not the first time you've faced hardships. You've gotten through tough things before, so you can again. Reflect on past trials and how you navigated them successfully. This too, shall pass. Remind yourself that you can do hard things and that you will succeed.

5-Lean into a friend.?Who do you know who is resilient? Spend time with them to learn how they navigate tough circumstances. You don't have to get through this alone and you may be surprised how others can provide support when needed. Sometimes just an encouraging word from someone can lift your spirits and help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Let others know you are struggling.

“Most people...are nothing but glimmers in the great darkness of time. But you...are no swift-burning spark. You are a torch against the night - if you dare to let yourself burn.”

―?Sabaa Tahir

Here is an exercise to try which can help build resilience:

Read the following list and write down examples of your past, "go-to" behavior for each?Then, write down an alternate behavior to try -- one which would exhibit more resilience.?

• Worrying about situations you can't control
• Failing to see choices, or having “tunnel vision”
• Being a “professional procrastinator”
• Expecting perfection of yourself and/or others
• Resisting change through inflexibility and rigidity
• Turning all situations into competitions where someone has to win and someone has to lose
• Focusing on faults rather than strengths, or being self-critical
• Failing to set limits or say “No”
• Taking poor care of yourself (not getting enough sleep or poor eating habits, stopping exercise, drinking/smoking more when stressed.)
• Expecting all problems should be neatly resolved

Of the new behaviors you wrote down, what is one that you think you can start working on right away? What are some ways you could make that happen?

Sadly, being resilient isn't always popular. It's far easier (and sometimes, more well-received with some) to complain and be miserable. Just take a look on social media and you'll likely see a plethora of examples of this. Many like to talk about what is wrong without solutions.?

And don't get me wrong -- we are not talking about a 'toxic positivity' here, of pretending everything is great when it is not. Emotions which we label as negative are real and valid. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, grieve the loss, embrace your emotions. But don't let yourself stay stuck in the negativity. Find ways to turn your circumstance into a place of growth and learning. Remember the goal is not necessarily to bounce back to where you were before the adversity. Use it as a springboard to bounce forward, to a new place, a better you.

Like any new muscle, resilience takes practice. Give yourself plenty of room to grow -- which sometimes means failing -- as you work on this skillset. Celebrate your wins -- the times when you are able to exercise more of a resilient mindset, and share your stories with others. Don't forget others?are watching, and your example can be the very thing they need to set their own resilience into action,?

“Here's to celebrating light where we find it.

And making light where we don't.”

―?John Green