Resilience.

Do not judge me by my successes,?judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.

When I got divorced and found myself alone with two babies in my sole care while on maternity leave, I encountered stigma and even a certain level of discrimination associated with the status of a solo parent. I was shocked that such attitudes still existed in our society.

For instance, one day, when I returned to work I came to a colleague from the Compensation and Benefits department and asked if our company had any benefits for single mothers. Her initial reaction was,

"Speak quietly. You don’t want everyone to know you’re a single mother now, do you?"

I was taken aback by her comment and replied that I had no intention of hiding or undermining my role and abilities due to my new status. There is nothing shameful or humiliating about being a single parent.

I have been divorced for almost 9 years and a solo parent for 10. I can confidently say that I have never regretted it, although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, as it is not easy for everyone.

I have a habit that not only helps me cope with difficulties but also allows me to transform weaknesses and shortcomings into strengths and positive attributes. You never know how life will turn and which of your seemingly negative traits — those that may not be well-received by society — might actually help you rise.

This habit is Looking at my Weaknesses as if they are my Strengths.

I try to see what destiny is trying to tell me when it endowed me with these traits. Our flaws are given to us for a reason, each one telling us something.

When the full-scale invasion of Ukraine began, my supposed huge weakness — being a solo mother — suddenly turned into a strength.

I didn't have to negotiate my decision to take my children out of the country with anyone, or decide where to go, or what to do next. Moreover, I neither suffered from being separated from a loved one nor struggled with the agony of making an impossible choice between staying together with my husband and putting our kids and myself at risk (just a kind reminder men are prohibited to leave Ukraine due to the war) or to abandon him saving our kids. Many Ukrainian women today have to live between two homes — Europe and Ukraine — constantly travelling between their beloved husbands who cannot leave the country and children who live in Europe. The journey between EU countries and Ukraine, and back, is incredibly challenging and involves long delays at border crossings. I have endless admiration for my friends and acquaintances who have been overcoming these obstacles for the past 2 years.

For many years, I have been relying solely on myself and making decisions for my family. This self-reliance was incredibly helpful when disaster struck Ukraine with the full-scale war шт 2022.

In the Special Immigration Issue of Maclean’s, there is an inspiring interview with refugee and Afghan Olympic athlete Nigara Shaheen, in which she says:

“On my very first day at the dojo, my coach said, “Keep falling and falling and falling and then you will be a judoka.” It doesn’t matter how many times you get knocked down in life, as long as you get back up—that’s always stuck in my mind. People also think, “It’s a martial art! It’s aggressive!” If you translate judo to English, it means “the way of softness.” You learn how to use your opponent’s weaknesses against them”.?

In cases of involuntary immigration, resilience is an essential quality. Without it, people quickly give up and return to their homelands. It’s fortunate when there is somewhere to go back to, but most often, war refugees have nowhere to return.

In a new place, we are always met with many surprises, often unpleasant and difficult to handle.

When …

• you arrive in a new country and are forced to rent expensive housing while having your own home back in your war-torn homeland. And for many, even this is not an option because their homes have been bombed and destroyed;
• you have to rely on food banks because you cannot afford to buy all the groceries you want in your new location;
• your children sleep on used beds given to you for free by volunteers, while the new furniture you chose and bought yourself gathers dust for the 3d year in your empty new apartment back home;?
• your elderly mother constantly feels unwell because, instead of enjoying a peaceful retirement at home in southern Ukraine, she was forced to flee to a foreign country, not knowing the language and having no connections;?
• your children have lost their friends and their peaceful childhood, having endured bombings, shelters, and evacuation.

And so much more… To endure all this again and again, I had to strengthen my intrinsic support, resilience and commitment. And it helps me every day not to give up.

The courage I mentioned earlier in the context of immigration is not enough. It takes a lot of courage to make the leap, but it requires continuous resilience to stick to your decision and take responsibility for your choice. When people come to me for career consultations and ask how I decided to move to Canada alone with 2 children and my mother, I tell them that leaving was not difficult. What is far more challenging is continuing to stay here, constantly adapting and adjusting to new, often uncomfortable and unfamiliar systems. Constantly reshaping one's mindset requires ongoing tension and endurance.

But I believe and often tell myself that if I found the strength to leave my home and save my family, I can handle all the other difficulties.

So there’s good news. The more resilient you become, the more you’ll remain calm under pressure and adapt positively to difficult situations, including the immense challenges of forced immigration. You’ll persevere when you feel like giving up. You'll bounce back to your usual levels of performance, confidence, and satisfaction more quickly. Moreover, you'll be better prepared to tackle the next challenge that comes your way, whether it's related to your new environment or other life difficulties. You'll become stronger.

It took me some time to realise that, aside from the difficulties and challenges I had to face, I gained invaluable and unique experience that helped me understand the following:

1. We don't have weaknesses. We have shadow sides that can become our strengths and powerful tools at any moment.
2. Home is where you and your loved ones are.
3. In unbearable trials, your children learn from you and absorb your knowledge and experience. I know that my boys, observing my journey and choices I make, will pass on the principles and approaches of mutual help to future generations. At such a young age, they have already learned from their own experience that life is the most valuable thing.
4. Cross-cultural experience is one of the most valuable assets in emigration.
5. We don't know what we are capable of and always can do more.
6. Getting attached to things and places is meaningless. The main is your family and friends.

And this is what I call resilience.

A lot has been written and said about this competence, and in this article, as in the previous ones of this series, I've shared what has helped me develop it.

So here are my recommendations based on the 70/20/10 Model:

70%. Practical Learning.?

• Prepare well for every challenge you face. Check and double-check every step. “If you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail.” Every hardship we go through sooner or later gives us an understanding of why it happened and what it taught us.?
• Think not in terms of a problem-oriented perspective but a result-oriented view (Growth mindset VS Fixed mindset). No matter how cliché it may sound or how many times you’ve read about it, The Mindset really Takes it All. Striving to find a window of opportunity and wisdom in every situation is a valuable habit.
• The art of navigating the maze. Immigration is a truly complex labyrinth filled with obstacles, twists, and dead ends. The best path to achieving your goals may not always be straightforward. To overcome these challenges and move forward, we must master the skill of maneuvering through the maze and be ready to explore new paths and embrace the unknown.
• Learn to manage stress. Each of us has our own ways of managing stress. For me, the key has been to detect signs of burnout sooner and take care of myself before an emotional breakdown occurs. Take advantage of the benefits of your new place of residence. I am fortunate to live in the stunningly beautiful province of Nova Scotia, where the ocean has been my primary therapist for the past two years.

20%. Social Learning.?

• Watch how experienced immigrants navigate challenges. Learn from those who are ready to support you and who inspire and motivate you.?
• Choose sports that resonate with you and start joining local sports groups. Inner resilience is also developed through strengthening physical abilities and increasing endurance. I discovered that I feel significantly better on the treadmill. This way, I leverage the benefits of my "Flee Mindset," which I discovered about 6 months after arriving in Canada. Now I am running not from but to.?
• Solicit constructive criticism from people who know you. Ask about the way you communicate and behave. Look what you can learn from the information you receive.?
• Ask for advice before an important meeting, call or interview how to structure your argumentation and find different inspiration from others. Canadians are incredibly kind and helpful people. If you ask, they will often assist you, provided they are able to.

10%. Formal Learning.?

Books and articles:?

1. The Optimism Advantage: 50 simple truths to transform your attitude and actions into results. Pauson TL.?
2. Resilience: why things bounce back. Zolli A. Healy A.M.?
3. 12 Rules for Life. J. Peterson.?
4. Beyond Order. J. Peterson.?
5. The Secret to Building Resilience, Rob Cross, Karen Dillon, and Danna Greenberg.
6. How Resilience Works. Diane Coutu.
7. Resilience Is About How You Recharge, Not How You Endure. Shawn Achor, Michelle Gielan.
8. What Makes Some People More Resilient Than Others. D. Pink.
9. Do Hard Things: Why We Get Resilience Wrong and the Surprising Science of Real Toughness. S. Magness.
10. What Is Resilience? K. Cherry.?
11. Resilience is invaluable in tough times. Here’s how to build it. E. Craig.?

Movies:?

1. Hidden Figures. 2016.?
2. The Pursuit Of Happiness. 2006.?
3. The Shawshank Redemption. 1994.?
4. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. 2007.?
5. Forrest Gump. 1994.?
6. Lone Survivor. 2013.?

To be continued....