Resilience & Masculinity

I've been reading a fascinating book on the science of resilience which i'm finding very thought-provoking, so I decided to have a stab at reflecting how I see resilience relating to masculinity. We’ve linked to the book below and give huge thanks for the inspiration that Michael Ungar has been giving us of late.

First things first, I need to establish that there is still debate over whether resilience is a character trait based on genetics or whether it’s a result of the environment you live in. Based on the research that Michael Ungar has been doing, I can see a strong argument for the latter, that our environment is what makes us resilient. It's not something that individuals are blessed with or simply force upon themselves through determination. Rather, resilient individuals tend to be those who live in an environment which allows them to be resilient; those with more support structures, safety mechanisms and alternative options are more likely to bounce back from a difficult experience.

Right away we face a challenge to traditional perceptions of a resilient individual. Our own government has in recent years attempted to encourage "character education" in schools, with a focus on grit & perseverance being perversely prevalent. Though there has been some backtracking on this due it being quite obviously stupid to fill children with grit, it's left a mark and in my experience nearly every school we visit has teachers obsessed with making their young people more resilient.

Now, I want to be clear that resilience is most definitely a good thing. The ability to encounter difficulties, traumas, set-backs etc. and overcome / bounce-back from them is absolutely vital for any human. The problem arises when we treat being resilient purely as the responsibility of any given individual.

When we take this approach, we quickly slip into a victim blaming mentality in which it becomes the fault of the individual for not being resilient enough. The more we understand that resilience is based on your environment rather than you as an individual, the more abhorrent the idea that it's your responsibility to be resilient becomes.

Imagine having two children at the same school who are involved in a car crash and experience both physical and emotional trauma. If one has a stable and supportive family, good relationships with friends who live nearby and the means to access adequate psychological support they are much more likely to get back to something resembling normal life again than someone who has none of these things.

If the other child in this scenario has none or fewer of these things - or the opposite, e.g. an abusive or neglectful family - then would it not be unfair to compare the two of them as though they were going through the same process when looking at how 'resilient' they each are in response to their traumatic experience?

There are many many other complicating factors involved in "being resilient" that I won't launch into here - we'd need to address everything from the stress a mother experiences during pregnancy to the role of the state in providing social support in an equitable manner - but I want to leave this section with the point that we need to fundamentally change the way in which we view resilience from something uniquely within each individual to something multifaceted and dependent on the wider community.

Now, how does this link to masculinities? Firstly, a lot of our archetypal ideas of a "rugged, resilient individual" have also tended to be stereotypically "macho”. Think polar explorers, war heroes, sports stars who come back from injury. All tend to get hailed for their tenacity and determination as though they just willed this to be, but take a second to look at one of those and you quickly see it's bigger than just their force of will.

Taking the last example alone, i'm going to go ahead and presume that elite athletes who come back from injury didn't just mend their bones and tendons by feeling resilient - a highly trained (and very costly) team of doctors, physios, osteopaths, nutritionists and coaches would have been on standby to get them there. Not to mention the safety of being in a highly paid profession.

However, this more accurate version of resilience doesn't fit with the traditional male stereotype of someone who can handle anything by themselves and doesn't ask for help. We come across a paradox here that the "more manly" one is (in a traditional sense) the less likely one is to actually seek the support that one needs to fulfil the male archetype of a resilient individual who can bounce back from any challenge.

Moving away from the more “extreme” examples of resilience, we also need to look at everyday examples of resilient behaviour that any individual needs and is capable of displaying. Anyone can experience a setback such as losing their job or becoming severely ill; being able to effectively respond to these challenges is part of a long-term process, not just a response after the event.

When experiencing set-backs, trauma, low self-esteem and personal challenges of any sort we tend to turn to those around us for support - or - get offered support by those close to us. Simply have a think about all the people you have been in touch with during our current COVID-19 crisis to get an idea of how other people help you to self-regulate.

These relationships all require nurturing. Whether it be responding to a parent's phone calls, making the effort to see friends or remembering to ask a colleague about the significant thing that happened to them a few weeks ago, all of these actions are maintaining and building your relationships with other people. Now, thinking in terms of traditional macho stereotypes, ask yourself who is unlikely to make that sort of investment in their personal relationships? Who is less likely to take on the emotional labour of checking in on others? Who is less likely to show vulnerability and tell people about their struggles?

Correct, average men - or to be more accurate, men who have been raised in a way that has never asked them to be caring and whole individuals who treat the needs of others with the same importance as their own.

By following a stereotypically masculine path men are reducing their own ability to become resilient individuals, we're telling ourselves that we can bounce-back from anything so don't need help, whilst simultaneously reducing our own ability to form the very structures of resilient support that allow us to bounce-back. Oh the paradox!

I'll sign this one off by reminding us to look out for the men we know right now who won't be taking the steps they need to build support networks during this particularly isolating crisis and let you know that if you are struggling to reach out to and talk with others, you can find dedicated support from the fine people over at CALM.

If you want to read the book that inspired this post yourself, you can find it here.