Resilience, Key #5: Forgiveness
[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Building Resilience: Health Psychology ?2023]
Another trait we can cultivate, to build our resilience: forgiveness.
Forgiveness, of self as well as others, enhances our inner strength. Feeling wronged, carrying wounds and injustices, takes a great deal of emotional strength and is exhausting. We forgive not to absolve another of their wrongdoing, but to free ourselves.
And self-forgiveness? This is parallel to self-compassion, in our next key; carrying the weight of another’s harm of us is heavy enough, but carrying our sense of self-harm, rumination over mistakes we’ve made, is almost too heavy to bear. Acknowledging our mistakes and learning from them, making amends to another if relevant, and then letting go of this in a conscious act of self-forgiveness is very freeing indeed – and, resilient.
I lived for a decade in a nation with longstanding collective grudges against several of its neighbors. To be sure, this small country has experienced centuries of attacks from larger surrounding lands, while territorial and other disputes continue to this day. In one such, wherein the other country truly did commit heinous acts against this one a century ago, and has signed treaties and issued multiple formal apologies, it is never considered sincere or sufficient and this tiny nation continues to carry its burden of victimization.
We must seek justice when human rights have been violated. And if reparations don’t go far enough, we must continue in our quest. But to hold onto ancient and collective grudges can be especially heavy.
And so – we forgive in order to free ourselves. This too is a definition of resilience; we don’t blithely forget the past, but we recover, and we thrive, in finding ways to leave it behind – while carrying only its lessons forward. And this trait, we can practice and strengthen, in order to build reserves of resilience.
When I was just 20 years of age, 4 decades ago, I had already been carrying years of childhood pain. In a healing circle, popular at the time, I was lying in the center with 5 people sitting all around me who were focusing their healing work my way. I was curious, but didn’t have a particular agenda; suddenly, an image of the one I felt most wounded by came into my consciousness, and soon thereafter, dissipated – taking with it the pain and injustice I’d been carrying. Sitting up again at session’s end, I felt light and free; searching for that old pain, attempting to deliberately call it forward, I couldn’t do so, and it’s gone to this day. Instead: forgiveness, and even more: letting go.
Flourishing. Doesn’t the word itself lift your heart? Flourishing, or living our best life as I like to call it, is another term for thriving…which is another term for, resilient. While we often think of resilience as the ability to withstand, to cope, and to recover from a crisis or major chronic stressor, in fact there’s more to the concept: not only do we survive, but we thrive.
Forgiveness can help move us further along toward that mark of thriving, of flourishing. In a conceptual review, Toussaint (2022) demonstrates just that: forgiveness of others and of oneself facilitates flourishing, in improved mental as well as physical health and overall happiness. And who doesn’t want more of all that?
But how does self-forgiveness play out in collectivist, rather than individualist and self-oriented, cultures? Taiwan provides one such example. The study of Hsu (2021), with 232 participants, categorized self-forgiveness in 3 ways: positive change, an increase in wisdom, and embodied awareness – understanding not only in mind but also through one’s physical body, in what we might term, letting go. All were correlated with both self-control, a critical component in collectivist societies, and resilience.
In physical health, multiple studies have associated forgiveness with a host of conditions. As a sampling, we see that O’Beirne et al. (2020), in a review of 7 prior studies, demonstrate an association between the capacity to forgive and the experience of chronic pain; forgiveness decreases the experience of pain and/or increases one’s tolerance of same, while the reverse is also true: inability to forgive can increase pain and decrease tolerance. In another study, 222 people living with HIV/AIDS who engaged in processes of forgiving self and others experienced improvement in health and happiness, or life satisfaction; perceived stress was a mediator of poor health both physical and mental, and forgiveness relieved their stress (Toussaint et al., 2023).
This is key: holding onto negative emotion constitutes strong tension and exacerbates the stress of one’s illness, whether physical or mental; forgiveness allows one to let go of said tension, thereby easing the underlying symptoms. This mechanism is also how forgiveness relates directly to resilience; when we keep ourselves as free as possible of the tension associated with negative emotions, we’re more flexible, less stressed, stronger, more readily adaptable, and generally better prepared for whatever adversity may come – or is already here.
In an example of mental health, forgiveness has been demonstrated to manage anger and decrease depression in adolescents, through regulation of negative emotion (Barcaccia et al., 2019); again, we have emotional regulation and health, directly related to the strengthening of resilience.
In natural disasters, the so-called ‘act of god’, divine forgiveness may be in order. In a study by Fincham and May (2021), the psychological distress of viewing deity as a cause of disaster, for those religious, exacerbated the psychological effects stemming from the disaster itself: the greater the degree of divine forgiveness, the lesser the long-term effects on the mind. We could also see this in the sudden death of a child, for example, or any other ‘injustice’ or moral injury without cause.
This is what psychologists might also call ‘cognitive dissonance’, when two psychological variables conflict with one another, particularly if one relates to an individual’s identity (e.g., religion and belief in deity) and the other represents a massive disruption of same; without some form of resolution between the two, mental distress and even illness results.
Similarly, in natural disaster one’s presence of meaning is often disrupted or even shattered. A search for meaning ensues, often in the disaster itself, as we seek to correct this gross cosmic imbalance; the necessary reconstruction of meaning predicts forgiveness, in fact, from which posttraumatic growth can occur, and which may be individually and/or collectively undertaken (Cameron et al, 2022).
War or related activity in a conflict zone is another example of such trauma and moral injury, not unlike natural disaster (albeit less likely to be attributed to deity). In war action, including displacement, the ability to forgive one’s perpetrator is a predictor of resilience and mental health (Kravchuk, 2020).
We see this also in moral injuries of childhood, carried over into adulthood with resultant disruptions of posttraumatic disorder; this could be in the form of abusive care in state or welfare facilities (Soffer-Elnekave et al., 2023), or childhood sexual abuse (Gunnarsdóttir et al., 2021), for example. There are many ways to heal and to restore and boost resilience; forgiveness, in its freeing of the mind and releasing of tension, in its positive reappraisal, and in its repair of cognitive dissonance – in this case, the injured person’s self-esteem versus feeling worthless because of the early abuse – is one such path.
As in the relationship between parent or other caregiver and child, in any relational trauma and resilience, when one has violated the trust of the other (e.g., by having an affair, or through dishonesty or abuse), forgiveness is one means of restoring resilience. A study by Thompson and Korsgaard (2019) demonstrated that those who identify with the other are more likely to forgive, and that forgiveness facilitates resilience within the relationship, stronger than before.
And so, when we can, when it’s appropriate: we forgive. And we are stronger, and more resilient, as a result.
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Exercises:
Again, clarity first: begin with brainstorming, mind-mapping, journal-writing, contemplating, or similar on the concept of forgiveness, including what it means to you, pros and cons, where your forgiveness of someone else – or of fate – is needed, and where you might need to forgive yourself.
Meditate on the topic of forgiveness; sitting comfortably, your mind quiet and distractions minimized, with a focus on slow and steady breathing, shift your topic to forgiveness; continue to meditate on this for a while, not trying to forgive but simply focusing on the word, letting it fill your being; whenever you notice your thoughts have drifted, simply refocus on your breathing and shift to the focus on forgiveness once more. When your meditation has come to a natural conclusion, spend some time afterward in reflection: what have you learned? What came as a surprise? What will you do with any insight you’ve gained?
Write a letter (confession?) – to another person, to yourself, to the cosmos – of whatever it is that you need to forgive, in as much detail as possible, knowing that no one else will ever read it. Then, when it’s finished: burn it to ash, and blow those ashes away.
Write a letter as if from the person who you feel wronged you, from their perspective, allowing them to explain why they did whatever it was to you or similar, and/or to apologize. Be as free and open as you can, letting that other person ‘have their say’ as fully as possible (assured that you never actually have to speak with them if you don’t want). When it’s finished – burn it, and blow the ashes away.
Take a hand mirror, sit comfortably, quiet your mind and slow your breathing, and then look into your own eyes. After a minute of connecting with your inner self, begin saying slowly and compassionately, “I forgive you.” Repeat as many times as feels right, until it feels complete. Then take a deep, cleansing breath – and walk away.
Engage in an exercise of ‘What would it look like if--?’ Either in a journal entry, or in your imagination, explore fully what it would look like IF you forgave (whoever or whatever or yourself). Without making any commitment to do so, imagine what it would be like if you did, in some detail and walking yourself through the whole of it. When the exercise is complete, take a deep breath and reflect on it. Ask yourself if it’s changed your ability to forgive in any way.
Similarly, you can engage in an exercise of guided imagery, in which you talk yourself through a ‘What if’ exercise as above. Write out the entire scenario as you imagine it; record what you’ve written, slowly in your own voice. Then, get into a meditative state or peaceful and quiet frame of mind, relaxed and eyes closed, and listen to your own recorded voice talking you through the scene. Reflect afterward.
Each morning and evening, or whenever you look into a mirror as part of your daily routine, say aloud: I forgive. There need be no object; you are engaging in forgiveness in the abstract. Each time you say it, you strengthen this ability in your own mind, and when forgiveness is needed, it will be easier. You’re priming yourself for forgiveness. Similarly, if you do know that you need to forgive in some way but aren’t ready, this simple 2-word affirmation will help. Speak the words aloud many times each day; one day, you’ll find there’s been a shift within you.
Make amends if needed.
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References:
Barcaccia B, Pallini S, Pozza A et al. (2019). Forgiving Adolescents: Far from Depression, Close to Well-Being. Frontiers in Psychology 10:1725. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01725
Cameron EC, Kalayjian A, Toussaint L et al. (2022). Meaning-Making Predicts Forgiveness as an Indicator of Posttraumatic Growth with a Stronger Effect for Natural Disasters. Journal of Humanistic Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1177/00221678221075910
Fincham FD and May RW (2021). Divine forgiveness protects against psychological distress following a natural disaster attributed to God. Journal of Positive Psychology 16:1, 20-26. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2019.1689411
Gunnarsdóttir H, L?ve J, Hensing G et al. (2021). To Live, Not Only Survive—An Ongoing Endeavor: Resilience of Adult Swedish Women Abused as Children. Frontiers in Public Health 9:599921. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpubh.2021.599921
Hsu HP (2021). The Psychological Meaning of Self-Forgiveness in a Collectivist Context and the Measure Development. Psychology Research and Behavior Management 14, 2059-2069. https://doi.org/10.2147/PRBM.S336900
Kravchuk SL (2020). Willingness to forgiveness as a predictor of mental health and psychological resilience of displaced persons from the zone of military conflict in Eastern Ukraine. Social Welfare: Interdisciplinary Approach 10:1, 21-34. https://doi.org/10.21277/sw.v1i10.503
O’Beirne S, Katsimigos AM, and Harmon D (2020). Forgiveness and chronic pain: a systematic review. Irish Journal of Medical Science 189, 1359-1364. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11845-020-02200-y
Soffer-Elnekave R, Haight W, Nashandi NJ et al. (2023). Re-orienting narratives of moral injury towards positive development: The experiences of emerging adults with child welfare histories.?Children and Youth Services Review?149:106922. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.childyouth.2023.106922
Thompson BS and Korsgaard MA (2019). Relational Identification and Forgiveness: Facilitating Relationship Resilience. Journal of Business and Psychology 34, 153-167. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10869-018-9533-1
Toussaint L (2022). Forgiveness and flourishing: Research and education. Spiritual Care 11:4, 313-320. https://doi.org/10.1515/spircare-2022-0042
Toussaint LL, Skalski-Bednarz SB, Lanoix JP et al. (2023). The Relationship Between Forgiveness and Health Outcomes Among People Living with HIV: A Cross-Sectional Study in France. AIDS and Behavior. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10461-023-04052-w