Resilience: Expand Your Bandwidth To Cope Better And Recover Faster

When you pull a rubber band out as far as you can stretch it, it bounces quickly back into shape. 

Which is what resilience is all about – bouncing back into your ‘best self’ and not being permanently bent out of shape. It’s why resilience so important, not just in the midst of a crisis that is pulling us all out of shape, but over the course of our lives as our plans derail, people disappoint and problems press in. 

Many people mistakenly assume that resilience is something that you are born with… or not. A character trait you either possess... or don’t.

Not true. 

In fact resilience is not about what you have; it’s about what you do. 

The rug gets pulled out from all of us, knocking us down and pulling us out of shape. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t feel sad in the aftermath of loss, afraid in the presence of threats to our sense of security, disappointed when plans fall apart, hurt when trust is betrayed, or anxious in the face of uncertainty. 

Our ability to thrive over the course of our lives is not less contingent on everything going just as we want. Rather, it’s how we respond when they don’t. 

The good news is that resilience is a skill that sits on a continuum. As such, it can be learned and built and bolstered with practice.

I’ve had my share.

In my late twenties, I found myself in the being held up in an armed robbery. Then, ten days later, during my 19-week scan of my first child, I was told the new life I assumed was growing within me was “no longer viable.” Both events, in close succession, dismantled my youthful assumption that ‘bad things’ like this could not happen to me. It was a first class lesson in the most foundational principle of resilience:

Never let your circumstances define you. 

Right now millions of people are finding themselves feeling some version of bent out of shape’ by the circumstances created by the COVID-19 pandemic. Collectively, our ‘assumptive worlds’ – a term used by psychologists to describe our mental maps of how we assume the world works and what can (and can’t possibly) happen to us – have been rocked pretty hard. This is reflected in the comments so many people have shared with me in recent weeks

I just can’t believe this. It’s all too surreal. I’m just waiting to wake up and discover it’s all a bad dream.

Except that it’s not a bad dream. It’s our reality. 

The gift of that loss in my 20’s (which I talked about in this television interview), was that it led me to make a very clear decision not give my situation the power to decide how I would show up in the world... who I would be. 

That decision has served me well. Not just through four more miscarriages, but through many disappointments and derailed plans. I’ve had my share. 

Drawing on my own hard-won wisdom, here are five insights to build more resilience in your own life so that no matter what happens, you will not be defined by it but will be able to draw on your experience, however painful, to bounce back stronger, wiser and with an even greater capacity to forge a deeply meaningful life. 

Embrace The Struggle

Robert Frost once wrote that "the only way out is through." In terms of building resilience, this means not trying to avoid the painful emotions that naturally rise in the face of adversity, but allowing yourself to feel them…. all the way through. 

Having learned this truth in my late twenties, when my youngest brother Peter took his life in my early forties, I recall being incredibly intentional about allowing myself to sit with my sadness and give myself as much time to grieve his loss as I needed. I’m glad I did. It didn’t lessen my sorrow, but it kept me from becoming consumed by it.  To quote Rumi, “Sadness is but a wall between to gardens.” As I wrote in this article soon after his passing, our lives, like all great masterpieces, require the darkness in order to highlight the light.

Whatever is outside of your control is teaching you to let go. It may not be comfortable, it may not be fun, but it's the truth. Likewise if you’re feeling anxious or afraid or sad or overwhelmed or angry right now – or a swirling mix of “all the above” – give yourself space to feel your feelings. To quote a chapter title in my book You’ve Got This!, “Surrender resistance: embrace the struggle and transform yourself.” The only way out is through. 

Prioritize What Strengthens You

No one is able to bring their best and bravest self to life all day, every day. Life doesn’t work that way. And the harder the storm winds are blowing around us, the more vital it is to pause from our ‘doing’ and recharge and reset who we are ‘being.’ 

Nearly three weeks ago my husband was hospitalized for COVID-19. While I’m grateful to report that he is on the way to a full recovery, it’s been a stressful time for me and for all our family who scattered across the world.  So in the midst of this time, I’ve been doubling down on all the advice I regularly give to others – to prioritize what makes me feel stronger – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

During my 14 days in quarantine, I was more disciplined than ever in my daily rituals. Exercise (not a lot, but something). Journaling. Reading uplifting books and articles. Guided meditations. Writing down what I was grateful for, dawn and dusk. Listening to music (sometimes dancing to it!). A green smoothie each morning and glass of wine each night (for its medicinal qualities) and regular video chats friends and family.

So write down the activities help you feel stronger, calmer and more grounded in your innate capacity to thrive under pressure… and commit to doing more of them.

Practice Self-Compassion... Show Some Mercy On Yourself

No one is their ‘best self’ all the time. Not Oprah. Not Tony Robbins. We are all innately fallible and flawed. We all have moments where we fail to live up to the high bar we set for ourselves - being forever loving, generous, patient, calm, and brave. So if you find yourself feeling anxious or overwhelmed, impatient, or judgmental, cut yourself a little slack and give yourself permission to feel your vulnerability and be the wholly imperfect person that you are.

A great way to practice self-compassion is to imagine what the most loving person you know would say to you right now. My personal practice is to ask God what He or She would want me to know and then writing it in my journal. My most recent entry read as follows:

Yes, you’re dealing with a lot but it will all work out. So be kind to yourself and just trust that you have everything it takes to meet each moment as it unfolds. Walk with faith over fear. You’ve got this.

As Kristen Neff PhD, author of Self Compassion, shared on my Live Brave podcast (Episode 12), by getting off our own backs and being kinder to ourselves in our harder moments, it helps us become more resilient and spares us the suffering of beating ourselves up.

Reach Out For Support

Countless studies such as the Harvard Study have found that people with strong social connections weather life’s storms better, and emerge from them better off. They also have stronger immune systems, higher recovery rates from cancer and lower recurrence of it. Yet in the midst of our toughest times, we sometimes withdraw from the very people who would love to help support us through them. 

So don’t let fear of appearing weak or needy keep you from reaching out for support. We forge much deeper bonds through our struggles than our successes and can remain far more resilient when we’re not going it alone. This in turn, enables us to be a source of greater support for others. So if you’re unsure whether to reach out for help and share the truth of your life, consider that not doing so isn’t brave, it’s selfish.

Seek Out The Good

Two weeks after my brother Frank suffered a spinal injury that left him paralyzed from the waist down, he said to me, “There may be 2,000 things I cannot do any more, but there are five thousand I can. And I want to focus on doing them all.” 

Reframing his situation to focus on what he could do has served him well. It’s also inspired me countless times not to get stuck in a mental wheelchair of my own making, focusing on what I cannot do or wish were different.

As headlines bombard us with reasons to feel sad or scared, there’s many reasons to justify feeling like a powerless victim of circumstances far beyond our control. Yet what good does that serve? It’s why, as I wrote in this former column - Do not squander the hour of your pain - we must be so intentional to look for the good in the midst of the bad and bring our best selves to these worst of times. If you’re looking for a little inspiration, check out John Kraskinki’s Good News Channel.

Every adversity holds seeds for good. But we have to do our part to look for them, to water them and to help them blossom in our lives. The experience of ‘Post Traumatic Growth’ – whereby people who have experienced a significant trauma emerge from it as happier and more wholehearted people, aligns with this principle. Post traumatic growth doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It occurs when people are committed to finding meaning amid their suffering, to using it in ways that help them live more purposefully, more compassionately, and more fully. 

The good news - the only thing standing between you and your own experience of growth is you.

Lean Into Life’s “Plot Twists”

A principle that I’ve long subscribed to is this:

Life doesn’t happen to us, it happens for us. 

As I wrote in You’ve Got This!, by trusting ourselves to rise to the challenges we face and to grow from them, it liberates us to respond more constructively and spares us all the stress that comes from railing against the what lays outside our control. 

As I’ve learned from my own curve balls and ‘plot twists’ in my own life, life is not linear. More so, it’s by leaning its curves we discover its gold.

Which brings us full circle back to resilience – not something you have, but something you do. 

So if you do nothing else today, take a moment to decide who it is you choose to be in this moment of your life. Deciding to show up – for yourself and others – as the person you most aspire to be will help you discover within yourself new realms of resilience and resourcefulness, courage and creativity, that you might never otherwise have known. 

There’s a gift right there.

Margie Warrell is facilitating virtual programs to help organizations lead through this crisis with more courage and resilience. Information and reviews here.

She's also just released her fifth book You’ve Got This! The Life-Changing Power of Trusting Yourself.