Resilience: Coaching Conversation XVIII

"Bouncebackability!" That's what a former boss type used to call resilience.

Yes, they were THAT type.

Being the child of a former US marine who had survived the D-Day landings, they used to love testing the "properties" of their people, seeing how well they bounce "under fire".

Now, it is one of the marks of an evolving society that we learn lessons from our forebears. That we don't replicate the same mistakes. That we become the better for their example and avoid many of the pitfalls they faced while we, in turn, prepare for fresh challenges they never anticipated.

Without wishing in any way to deride the experiences of the theory X school of managers, the current batch of leaders face conditions that aren't as immediately life threatening as some pathfinders, but they are infinitely more complex and the pressures more subtle, nuanced and manifold than that marine or his son had to contend with.

Resilience, in a physical sense may be the capacity of the physical property of a material to return to its original shape or position after deformation that does not exceed its elastic limit. That's easy enough to visualise. Imagine squeezing a bouncy ball until it stops springing back into shape. But resilience in people is much harder to define when it isn't about physical capacity. When it's about emotional and psychological limits, pliability from deep roots or buoyancy.

The "perfect storm" linked to Covid19 has, is and will test business owners, leaders and executives in ways they have yet to envisage. Why? Well, despite the bravado of some, we really have never been here before. No, we really haven't. Not with all of these elements hitting everyone all at once. On this scale. So how more appropriate a subject for this Coaching Conversation for another assemblage of volunteers from across my network of experts working in the people disciplines.

There's a wealth of cross-sector and crisis experience in this group, some of whom have worked under very testing, crisis conditions in the past. This time, I am honoured to be joined by:

Steve Browne

Jackie Le Fevre

Selena Govier

Heidi Pancake

Michelle Reid

Kelly Swingler

Kate Hargreaves

There are nine questions (one suggested by each participant) and a lot to say. So apologies for the long read. But we hope that there's at least a nugget or two of useful information in there that can help equip you and your people for the tough times ahead.

Question 1: Why do people confuse resilience with patience/impatience?

Tempted to say a poor grasp of vocabulary but suspect it is more that it gets associated with delayed gratification - it means you have to wait....

Because these are easier to identify and can be felt when you are pulling in your resilience subconsciously

Not sure I’ve heard that they do. Does this mean confusing resilience with a willingness to put up with crap? If so then I suspect ulterior motives - we’ll treat you badly & then blame your resilience. That happens. A lot.

If this is the case, they may be confusing 'grit' with resilience and they are two different things.

I’ve not found this myself, I think resilience suggests being misshapen and bouncing back, whereas patience involves endurance through something.

We want closure on items in our life more than we do resiliency. People do their best to get away from situations instead of working through them.

Sometimes resilience is perceived as “hanging in there” and that can be seen as patiently standing by something

Do they? Not in my experience.

Resilient people focus more on the outcome and overcome issues along the way. The overcoming of issues may be viewed by some as patience.

Question 2: We hear a lot about the need to develop resilience. How can we ever know that we’ve developed enough for when we need it?

Easiest comparison is with training for a physical sport. You build up stamina and "muscle" memory above and beyond what you're likely to need so that, when you face the unexpected, those reserves kick in. That analogy is going to apply a lot in the face of much uncertainty and uncharted territory ahead.

I don’t think it’s possible to know how far you still have to travel on a journey, and therefore can’t measure the amount of resilience developed or needed. It’s just an ongoing learning experience.

Feedback and regular reflection. Celebrate the wins and learn from the challenges..

I don't think we can - resilience is a state not a trait which ebbs and flows, what we can do is become more conscious of how we practice resilience.

We can’t. I think life teaches that the future is hugely unpredictable & you probably can’t ever know that - maybe you only develop some level by going through stuff so you can’t develop enough beforehand.

Developing resilience starts with the mindset that you're willing to take the steps to work through things. You may never have "enough", but you will have the right mindset.

You figure it out in the moment. And you know you’ve developed it by how long it takes you to bounce back from a disappointment.

The more resilient we become the more we can deal with. The smaller things no longer become issues. I don’t think there’s ever an end goal, it’s an ongoing learning process.

I'm not sure any of us know how resilient we truly are until it is tested.

Question 3: How can we cultivate resilience while protecting mental health?

I think cultivating resilience can actually support our mental health. Owning our emotional state and reaching out for support can help do both I think.

By seeing resiliency as a resource that everyone has within them and sharing different ways to tap in to and nurture it - think assets not deficits.

I think they’re two quite different areas. I worry we overstate mental health. If you’re dealing with something that serious then you need professionals in.

This is challenging as I believe that true resilience is cultivated through adversity. I do think there's a clear link between self care and potential resilience therefore individual well-being needs to be high on the agenda.

We expect resilience to develop following a setback or failure of some kind. To expect people to fail and recover repeatedly will always have an adverse effect on mental health if we don’t make it clear that it’s ok or even good to fail. If setbacks are an expected and encouraged part of our experience, the negative effects on mental health shouldn’t be as severe.

Resilient people tend to have a stronger outlook on life with good mental health. They don't get overwhelmed as often.

They are part of the same suite. Resilience is both a physical and mental wellbeing issue. Development and support needs to focus on both.

Remain centered in reality and learn to identify emotional reactions.

Self-care helps to develop mental wellbeing. Mental wellbeing leads to improved mental health. Improved mental health allows us to be more resilient.

Question 4: We often know what we need to do to build resilience but then don’t do it. Why not? How do we change this?

Creating a culture.

Honestly, I think its because its not necessarily tangible or visible. Building resilience and needs patience and practice, to things that people can get frustrated with or impatient with!

Because in the moment something else presents as more urgent/important/appealing and building resiliency is a long game - changing this needs good modelling by others and increased understanding of different ways to do the 'building'.

I'm not sure this is possible. For example, what specifically is 'resilience'? If we can clearly define the elements of resilience, people may be more inclined to build these up.

Fear of failure plays a central role. We are conditioned to consider growth from success to be the ultimate goal. Adapting thinking to expect setbacks and to reflect and grow because of them is the foundation for building resilience in work and life.

Back to the first question. We lack patience.

Do we though? It's called unprecedented for a reason. No plan survives the first engagement. But we can control the contollables and anticipate and prepare ourselves and our people, consult and listen and understand and respond and adapt.

Life is busy. Many people have multiple responsibilities.

It can be easier to stay as we are. Doing what’s good for us isn’t always easy as it takes time, commitment and effort. If we choose to make the changes, we’ll make the changes and develop resilience. If we choose not to, we won’t.

Question 5: To what extent is “be resilient” the new “pull yourself together”?

Completely and just as harmful. Avoid both at all costs!

I fear it is becoming just that, we've been through an era of "just be positive" or "chill out" which didn't work and doesn't fit pandemic days: "be resilient" as a way to negate legitimate concerns/problems raised by others will prove toxic.

Quite a bit but with more depth. Though I’m not convinced pull yourself together is a bad concept. Often we need a kick up the backside.

Yes, I worry about this. I think we need to be careful with language and how we position this with people. We need to be cultivating environments where people are psychologically safe and taking care of themselves and others - this will increase levels of resilience.

Purely from a definition perspective both statements imply the same thing. To persevere, have endurance, bounce back and throw off the shackles of poor mental health. Care is needed in how we use the term “resilient”.

I don't think resilience is the same as self-reliance. Resilience involves a supportive community.

Certain demographics feel the same way about it. They believe that moaning and whining is a sign of weakness and to that extent, it has similar connotations. There is a self-directed element to this, sure. But organisations also have a duty of care and asking people to do too much or more than they can be expected to cope with is unethical and bad for business.

One is about bouncing back over time and one is about hiding emotional response

I’ve never heard anyone say ‘be resilient’, so I don’t believe it is. I don’t think enough people understand resilience enough to say this.

Question 6: What would you say are the key skills that support you to build (and maintain) your resilience?

Self reflection, mindfulness, patience and sharing with others.

I'm not a natural reflector but when I do remind myself of difficult things that have already been survived that helps: also being anchored by what actually matters most to me helps me not get blown this way or that by others bluster.

Strong line management. Colleagues checking in. Space. Flexibility.

Self-awareness and reflection. Learning and challenging my own assumptions and lenses I view myself and the world though. Self-compassion and care. Ability to own my flaws and imperfections. Self-acceptance and non-judgment.

A positive mindset that accepts there is no finish line, that we grow constantly as we move along our pathway. To have goals which are meaningful and the support and resources to achieve them. Having a network of people who can pull you up and help you to see meaning in any pitfall is crucial to maintaining resilience.

Having positive people around you who model resilience themselves.

Confidence, patience, perspective, listening, asking for help, seeing the bigger picture, self-care, being able to step back, breathe, and go again.

Self-awareness. Thinking ahead, anticipating. Scenario planning and modelling. Being braod minded about L&D and focusing on mental and physical behavioural skills not just technical learning. Listening is VITAL. Honesty and creating a safe culture is important too.

Being able to discern fact from emotional fiction. Experience with trauma recovery.

Question 7: How does resilience play into complacency?

I don’t believe it does.

Working from a complacent perspective will not help to develop resilience. You have to care about the outcome enough to overcome any obstacles in the way of reaching the goal.

For me complacency is going through the motions but resilience is survival and gathering of strength. The issue is identifying and recognising which is which.

To me complacency is blinkered view of what is/what might be next: to me complacency is more likely a product of naivety/delusion/arrogance than of resilience.

Not sure. Maybe a lack of desire to change the structures & institutions when we can simply blame people.

I believe the two to be exclusive of one another. You can't build resilience through complacency, being resilient is hard work!

To me, resilience means you're pliable to bend and not break. It isn't the same as being "stuck" which is complacency.

Well, it could be a blind spot and it stand to reason that if we don't have an honest culture we could be very exposed in key positions if resilience crumbles because we were complacent about how people would cope with unprecedented pressure.

Yeah. I think about this a lot. Resilience is bouncing back and complacency is not making the decision that requires you to bounce back from the decision.

Question 8: In your opinion, what makes one person more resilient than another?

Nature and nurture...biology and conditioning. There's a school of thought that the strongest metal is tempered in the hottest of fires. But that's a risky rule of thumb. We all have breaking points. Who's to say that those who've been through the worst aren't teetering at breaking point? We need to take responsibility as organisations for evaluating each individual on their merits, using a 360 degree lens, handled by the most skilled people, not the cheapest. We need to look for pliability and buoyancy from a courageous core.

Experience, personality and level of self awareness.

I think it’s too subjective to say one person is more resilient than the other. We all have different experiences, different challenges, different backgrounds, different views, different coping mechanisms. To that end were likely to deal with things differently.

Their sense of self in the world so that's a cocktail of who they see themselves as, how they experience the world and their underpinning beliefs and assumptions about how things work.

Knowing yourself & your ‘triggers’. Taking responsibility & owning it. Accepting failure.

Experience. Bitter sweet experience.

The only thing that can be different is the experiences each have encountered and the personality traits developed as a result. It’s impossible to pin down as you cannot compare like for like as everyone’s journey is different. Ultimately, I believe optimism plays a central role.

It depends. Resilient people tend to have an ease about them regardless of their circumstances. They see each day as something to embrace, not something to fret over.

Practice

Question 9: Resilience sounds like double-speak to excuse organisations abdicating ownership of stress onto individuals and getting even more for less. Can you give us one example of a corporate initiative that recognises and builds resilience?

Effective coaching and mentoring combined with succession planning!

Early in the pandemic the clinical and support staff of a university medical education department took some time to deepen their understanding of their own and one another's values and the values they shared as a group - this was done deliberately to catalyse different kinds of human "how are you really" conversations as they knew something was coming which would test them to the hilt.

Teaching line managers to care / promoting people into management who do.

The word 'initiative' is an alarm bell for me. Creating the right environment for people to become more resilient takes consistent commitment, focus and investment at all levels of the organisational structures, cultures and leadership.

Viewing an outcome through design thinking and the use of prototypes that develop with each iteration could build resilience by making the working practice one of expected failure-development-recovery-repeat.

Immediate feedback. Companies that meet with and give employees immediate feedback can help coach, encourage and correct behaviour in a timely way. This attention and acknowledgement will help build tangible resilience because people know where they stand at all times.

What many companies are doing right now, supporting working parents to organize their work around home-schooling due to covid, showing their team members that they CAN make this work, is doing a lot to build resilience in them.

Organisations are people. Each of us is responsible for managing our stress levels and mental wellbeing. One recent example I’ve seen is leaders ensuring that every single person takes one hour of ‘me time’ a day, as a chunk, or in smaller blocks, for time out, reflection, thinking time etc. And they are allowed to say no to anyone who tries to book meetings during this period.

That's because it is. Few major corporates really care. Wise up. The same people crying at your leaving do would fight over your stapler a week later. The best resilience programmes focus on diagnostics and analysis, measurement, succession and having relief and reserves in place. They see change as a journey and pace accordingly. Mostly, they listen and don't have single points of failure. They use external coaches. That's how you manage resilience.

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SO...there you have it. We're updating the analogy in light of this "storm" from bouncability to buoyancy. Responding with flexibility.

There was no group think or collusion during the creation of this piece. Each respondent suggested their question independently based on their lived professinal experience then suggested a short answer to each question without consultation, based on personal best practice.

With that in mind, we very much look forward to hearing yours in the discussion that will hopefully follow .