Residing Mr Scars and Visiting Ms Bruises

“Anyone can hurt you, but not everyone can cause you pain” Adnan Chilwan 

A student who was hurting from a heartbreak once approached a wise man. “My wise teacher, please tell me why does life hurt so much?” The wise man smiled and replied, “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful?” The student looked puzzled at his answer and replied, “It is”. The wise man then asked, “If a person is struck by a second arrow, is that even more painful?” The student nodded and said, “It is”.

The wise man then explained, “In life we cannot always control the first arrow. That is hurt. That will always be there. But your reaction to the first arrow is like shooting your own self with a second arrow. Do you learn from this pain or do you keep reacting to it. That is a choice you need to make”.

Hurt. Loss. Grief. Pain. Heartbreak. Criticism.

We abhor these emotions. No one looks forward to these feelings and in fact, we indulge in strange distractions to just “get away” from these dark shadows. After all, who looks forward to their heart being ripped to shreds. We all share that common thread somehow.

Then why is it that we get visited by hurt, when we promise ourselves not to let us affect us. Why do we stand motionless in its hypnotic effect over us? I have been there. You have been there. Moreover, it is not a one-time occurrence but one that keeps unfolding and showing its power over us again and again.

To add to this puzzle, is the timeless irony of life. It is not the ones we despise who hurt us the most. It is the ones we care about and love, that own the shortcut manual to hurting us immensely.

It is saddening when your loved ones cause you unrelenting pain. They say a wound in our body never really goes away, as the body makes scar tissue to heal it. This is what I am talking about. They take any form, whether they are your child, partner, spouse, colleague or friend it does not matter. They know the trigger words to say or things to do, that will stop us in our tracks and bring a tidal wave of emotions out of nowhere. They get to hold the remote control of our lives and we become mere puppets yielding to their actions.

The truth of the matter is simply this. Pain exists because Love exists. They go hand in hand. Both unnerving forces that are there for a reason and are here to stay. Like a sculptor molding a valuable centerpiece, these powerful feelings are there to awaken us on a deeper level. To make us realize our inner being and make us the best version of ourselves, in this short life that we have for rent.

Much more than Love

It would also be ignorant of us to associate pain and heartbreak just with Love. Heartache from a Heartbreak is temporary. Hurt caused by Love is often cured by Love (ironically through another heart).

In fact, other things have the ability to hurt us more than the mere thought of struck by love.

They say you should not be an open book, for many will never understand your past and most will judge you for who you are not. Many times people you let into your life can critique you, comment on something they know nothing about, make claims about you, belittle you or maybe make you feel very small and the list is endless.

The Assassin

Beware of the ones who can ‘Character Assassinate’ you. It does not cost them anything except a few words, but to you the affect can be far destructive than can be imagined. This can strike a chord within. It is amazing how a simple muscle like the tongue and poor vocabulary can bring lasting devastation upon us. But it does. And that is life.

It further upsets me to read or hear people say to forget the past and forgive, like it is the easiest thing to do. Well it is not. I have been there; it is one of the most debilitating, and self-doubting phase to be in. It is simple for me. Anyone can hurt you, but not everyone gets the license to give you pain.

They leave scars for a lifetime and all you can do is use those painful moments that defined your past, to not dictate your future.

What is worse is that we do not understand that there are many other experiences waiting to happen, if we just move on. We suffer and keep suffering because of our very selves. Hurt may be the fire, but we end up giving it fuel.

 It boils down to a simple truth. Hurt is inevitable. However, pain is an option.

Yes. It is a bitter pill to swallow but once you see how it plays well for the greater good of you, things will change and your suffering will lessen. Possibly even end one day. But to get control into your life during such painful times, you must empower yourself through a few remedies.

·       A moment of acceptance

You might be going through loss, and it may seem like a permanent station for now. But you must make yourself see that this is only temporary. Everyone goes through bad phases and tormenting times, but they never remain there forever. Accepting your reality is the first step. Stop running away from the emotions. Take a moment and say to yourself, that you are in pain. That you do not like it and it hurts badly. But you are growing because of it. The journey of self-discovery has begun.

·       The path of healing

One of the most difficult things in life is to forget the past. One of the most difficult things in life is to also keep waiting for a change or an answer. But like a black hole, they can suck you in and keep you stuck in time with no place to go but your cradling emotions. The best way to move to the next stage of healing that is waiting for you is undeniably action. You see, in the grand design, no one has the power to make you feel special but you yourself.

·       This too shall Pass

In the book of life, it is sad to say that some of the answers we seek, may never be given to us. Try changing your mind from “why me” to “what now” to deal with this new experience. It is better to focus on the bigger picture. Events happen and they are replaced with new ones. People come and go and some move on. So understand that this is a well-balanced universal law, and the only constant in life is change. This agony you feel too shall pass eventually.

·       Stop adding and start subtracting

What you feed your anguish can come back and bite you. If you feel tortured, stop giving yourself more torture through rage, anger and spilling this out on other unsuspecting beings or family members. Own your pain and accept its long-lasting effects on you. You have been hurt and it is going to be all right with time. Lashing out on yourself and others is not the way forward. You already know what to do. It will come to you. Give it time. You are in this for a greater reason.

We cannot make the hurtful moments in life to cease, but we do have control over the pain that follows it.

I read somewhere, that you should open your book of life to only a few people. Why? Because in this world, only a few care to understand your chapters, and most are only curious to know.

Life is about making time for those who will deeply care about you. Those people are worth your precious time. Not the ones who came in temporarily and took a big chunk of you away, through their belittling attitude, narcissist comments and character assassination plots. Those ones only have an agenda to hurt you and attack you when you are not looking.

I always include poems in my blogs that help me better articulate the context. This blog reminds me of a poem by Eric Hansen called “Scars and Bruises” which is so apt and there is nothing that explains better than these next few lines.

This universe has a language,

That the world we live in uses,

But it’s not made of twenty-six letters,

It’s made of scars and bruises,

It doesn’t write its words on paper,

It writes upon our skin,

So many dots and dashes,

That we can’t tell where to begin,

We don’t understand this language,

That the world we live in speaks,

So we mistake its poems and proses,

As a sign of being weak,

We hate our scars and bruises,

Hide them away so no one sees,

Instead of stating proudly,

“Look at what the world wrote just for me”,

A lot of scars and bruises,

Will slowly fade away,

But there will always be those special few,

That the world made sure would stay,

Savor these scars and bruises,

For if you wait for enough time,

You will find someone with the faith and love,

To decipher every line.

Next time you are feeling a sense of loss, remember this. The strongest of souls have all been scarred with pain, loss, criticism, and grief.

Remember that you are not alone in this journey. Many others have walked the same path and withered a similar storm. The storm of life will recede and the dark clouds will disseminate, till all that is left behind, is a stronger heart though heavily scarred, that reveals a grander, stronger and wiser You.

Look at me. I have been hurt a lot, to the extent that I have become numb. Hurt will never recede or go away; overtime it becomes an inherent part of you and is visible in your personality.

Now tell the visitors that your hotel is permanently closed for business and that you are not checking in guests anymore. So they should find another place to reside permanently or rest temporarily. As for me, my Hurt is still there but I am not in Pain. My guests have checked out and left me a big fat tip. Ironically, I will always be indebted to them for life, my very own, Mr Scars and Ms Bruises.