Reset Your Amygdala Now: From Constant Alarm to Calm

It was the most curious thing! After weeks and weeks of searching for a house in England, we were feeling rather glum and were about to give up altogether.

"One more," said the estate agent over the telephone. "Meet me at the end of this road…. I think you'll find this one rather special."

When we arrived, all we could see was an enormous old wall with a wooden gate that looked as if it came straight out of a storybook.

The agent arrived with a large iron key, and with a satisfying 'click', the gate swung open.

Oh, the wonder that awaited us inside!

It was as if we had stumbled upon a secret world that had been hiding from everyone else all along.

The garden was simply marvelous, with roses climbing up trellises and daffodils nodding their golden heads in the gentle breeze.

The cottage itself was like something from a dream, with its old roof and big windows.

If this were an Enid Blyton novel - the adults would have said something like:

"Golly!" I exclaimed. "It's like something from my childhood books!"

The cottage had its quirks, of course.

The floors weren't quite straight, and some of the doorways were so low that tall visitors would need to duck their heads.

It was a mish-mash of a few different decades of styles. The 70's white bathroom suite clashed with that fully working Victorian fireplace.

The modern IKEA kitchen cabinets somehow coexisted with original oak beams.

Some things worked, others? Not so much.

But there was a splendid conservatory where one could sit and read even on the rainiest of days, watching droplets race down the glass panes.

The best thing about the cottage was its seclusion.

Walls surrounded it on three sides, and a huge hedge on the fourth.

Our only neighbors? The children of St. Luke's Elementary School, whose playground lay just beyond our garden.

"I love this quiet!" remarked my husband as we explored.

We shared nothing with the school except a small gate that remained locked on both sides, and of course, Mr. Prickly the hedgehog.

He was a most mysterious creature who would vanish for months at a time, only to reappear when the first tulips poked their heads through the soil in spring.

He would then busy himself with what my husband jokingly called "garden fertilization duties."

The elderly couple who sold us the cottage had tended the garden with tremendous care for decades.

Everything was in its right place, with not a weed to be seen.

My parents came to stay, a few months after we bought the place.

We spent "delightful" afternoons in the living room with sunshine streaming through the windows and the faint sounds of children playing beyond the hedge.

One particularly lovely afternoon, something peculiar happened.

A ball—a red one with white stars—sailed over the hedge and landed with a soft thump on our lawn.

Amma startled.

Her face turned red.

I could see her ears stiffen.

Contorted, and suddenly she wasn't "in" a quaint beautiful cottage anymore.

Her internal alarm was on, in a big way.

And that's when I saw it — really saw it.

It took a whole day to shift out of it.

I had the luxury of being away from it all for so many years, and so my system no longer carried the same level of activation as hers.

The contrast was clear.

Where I saw a child's ball, she saw a threat. Where I heard playful shouting, she heard danger signals.

I was very sad for her, I teared up, thinking of what I saw in her eyes. What her body remembered.

In that moment, I realized how differently we were experiencing the exact same reality.

Her nervous system was perpetually scanning for danger, while mine had learned to rest in safety.

It set me off on this journey to understand how our bodies hold onto stories long after our minds have filed them away.

I spent the next 12+ years, investing 1000+ hours studying early interpersonal neuroscience.

This startle? Normal in newborns. Not in adults.

I see it in deep-feeling, deep-thinking women all the time.

It doesn't matter - exec coaching,therapy, yoga, meditation, mindfulness , these are not going to work if your body is screaming danger.

What started as curiosity became much more. It's now a mission.

I learned that when we're constantly in survival mode, we miss the beauty that surrounds us — just as my mother missed the charm of that cottage in her moment of activation.

The good news? We can rewire this. Together.

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Regards,

Sangheetha