Resentments (Ugh!) - This Coach's Perspective

812 Words 3 ? minutes?

There was a time in my life when I was very adept at building resentments.??

My resentments showed up in so many ways.

The need to be right. ?

Micromanage me. There is a resentment.?

Judging a person or circumstance I didn’t agree with. ?

Set an unrealistic expectation and timeline. That duo was deadly.

If I felt someone was holding me back and didn’t appreciate the work I did. ?

Conversely, I built resentments against difficult colleagues or associates who I perceived had little or no self-awareness. ?They not only had to be right, but went out of their way to prove it.?? Leaders who bullied or intimidated.? Once again, my Judge and inner critic were very active in creating resentments.

?If I’m being really honest with myself and you. Perhaps I was triggered and built a resentment because these people actually reflected back to me what I saw in myself. Was I actually building a resentment towards myself??

The problem. I wasn’t aware I was building a brigade of resentments. However, they showed up in my actions. Aggressiveness, righteous indignation, arrogance, little or no work/life balance and behaviors that impacted myself and others professionally as well as personally.?

Resentments always show up in personal relationships. A friend, a partner, a sibling.? A casual remark, an unresolved conflict or past hurt, emotional unavailability, a conversation left unfinished can all lead to long held simmering resentments.?

The dirty little secret. Resentments are not openly discussed.?

I’ve coached dozens of senior leaders and C-Suite executives. ?Last week was the first and only time resentment ever came up in a coaching conversation and it was simple curiosity that took us there. The impact palpable.?

WHY IT MATTERS: Personally or professionally resentments are a “Cancer of the Soul”?

• Rooted in negative emotions such as anger, bitterness, frustration and even low self- worth and self-esteem, resentments have a corrosive effect on emotional and mental well-being.

• Resentments, left unchecked, erode trust, breakdown communication and closeness in relationships. They keep us stuck in the past, holding onto people or situations that no longer serve us.??I asked my client “Why are you giving (X) permission to take up so much room in your head”?

TAKE A STEP BACK: We all have them. Resentments are a natural emotion. Very complex at times. Triggered by personality traits, life experiences, relationship dynamics, environments and circumstances.?

LOOKING DEEPER: Acknowledging resentments and building a self-awareness around where and how your resentments show up is a powerful exercise.?

I call it The Resentment Inventory…Make a list of people who you hold a resentment. (This is tough. You really have to be brutally honest. Especially if it’s someone you really care about or are close too). What is the resentment? Write it down.

• What is your role? What part did you play in how the resentment came about?? YES, we all contribute something to creating our resentments. (More brutal honesty required)

Here re a few:? ? ? ? ? ?

Unmet Expectations? ? ? ? ? ?

Breakdown in Communications? ? ? ? ? ?

Avoiding or ignoring unaddressed issues? ? ? ? ? ?

Past and Unresolved hurts shape how we perceive situations

• SHARE: Your inventory with a friend, confidant or coach. STEP into being vulnerable. An important first step in letting go of resentments.

DETACH WITH LOVE OR COMPASSION: The detox for resentment (It is the secret sauce)

• Pull yourself away emotionally/mentally while still maintaining a sense of compassion and care for the person or situation.
• Approach with Empathy and Understanding : Don’t focus on anger and bitterness, acknowledge a particular behavior and the reasons behind it.
• Set Clear boundaries: Communicate your needs and boundaries, even if painful and uncomfortable. (Still a tough one for me)

?In the workplace. Instead of harboring that resentment against an employee or colleague. Try to understand their perspective, motivation and reasons for their behavior. Approach with empathy. Focus on finding solutions rather than getting caught up in negative emotions.

• Be open to constructive criticism or feedback. Listen objectively. Respond thoughtfully.

? ? ? ? Don’t let a resentment cloud your response.

• As a leader…guide and mentor. Offer constructive feedback. Don’t build a resentment because someone is not doing it your way.??

IT’S A PROCESS which requires patience, willingness, support and most importantly self-care. Take a break when needed. Set boundaries, don’t overextend yourself.?

IT’S A JOURNEY AND YOU HAVE THE POWER: 12 years ago I recognized how resentments were controlling and impacting my life. I made a conscious choice to build a toolbox to help me become more aware of when resentments are showing and how to manage their impact. Today, my brigade is greatly reduced to a few outlier soldiers.?

If resentments are holding you back and you’re willing to acknowledge and accept that. You have the POWER to make that shift.? It takes work. The results are worth it.

?I am grateful for the ongoing guidance and wisdom I continually receive on my journey.?

To Be Continued?

Ron?