Resentment

We’ve all felt that simmering sense of resentment from time to time. It’s a normal part of life.

In my work with women who juggle several different roles in life, it’s incredibly common.

• Towels on bedroom floors, AGAIN!
• Being the one to initiate contact with friends, AGAIN!
• Always being the one the kids cry for when things go wrong, or they need something done for them.
• Always being the one to take on extra responsibility at work, conscientiously getting on with it while other people seem to get away with having 26,000 unread emails.
• How you feel when the same people chosen for those amazing opportunities, AGAIN!

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It’s pretty normal.

But, is it healthy?

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Resentment leads to an inability to let go or forgive, and over time that can have more serious consequences to our relationships and our health. If you carry around strong feelings of resentment for decades, I believe it is going to manifest in your body. Studies link emotional and mental health problems to serious physical health conditions.*

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If you often feel resentment, it may be time to understand the signs that you may be on a path towards overwhelming resentment – because that’s when it can really start to affect your life. After all, resentment is a close neighbour of burnout.

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Here are some negative feelings to watch out for, if they become a recurring pattern in your life.

• Anger, especially if you can’t seem to let things go.
• Frustration & bitterness
• Feeling low & hopelessness
• A general sense of uneasiness?or anxiety
• Inability to stop thinking about an event
• Feelings of regret or shame
• Avoidance of people or situations
• A tense relationship, especially where certain topics are ‘off limits’ for discussion.
• Feeling invisible or inadequate??

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But why do I feel like this?

I am a nice person.

I don’t want to feel this way.

There is no one cause of resentment, but many cases involve an underlying sense of being mistreated or wronged by another person. In some cases, that sense of being wronged isn’t directly attributable to the actions of any one person – it can be an overall feeling that comes up in relation to many different people and situations. In those cases, there is almost always an unmet need – and it’s usually best to get some support to understand that and learn to meet that need yourself, rather than always relying on (and blaming) others. ?In my work to help women empower themselves, that is the key: It’s not about sealing yourself off from loving connections, far from it, but is IS about learning to be OK, through what you give to yourself. It can be a tough one, especially if you were brought up with traditional family values around gender and relationships – there can be a lot of ‘unlearning’ to do. ?

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How can I start to make this better by myself?

Spend some time thinking about why you are finding it so hard to forgive. Is the thing they did so heinous, or is the problem more about something else it made you feel? If it’s the latter, I really urge you to get some support to go back to the source. Everyday situations can trigger extremely powerful feelings and reactions if we are holding on to pain from the past. Working to identify that past situation and then learning to heal from that, can be life changing and relationship saving.

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Try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Again, not easy, but try to understand what may have been going on for them at the time they hurt you. Everyone has a life beyond that which is known about by others, and most of us carry around a degree of old stuff that can cause us to act in certain ways, even to withdraw from those we love sometimes. Understanding that when someone acts badly, if it’s out of character, they are likely to be suffering themselves and that their behaviour says 10 times more about them (and what they are going through) than it does you – that’s life changing, giving you access to so much peace when you begin to view things that way.

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Instead of focusing on your anger, practice self-compassion and gratitude. Learning to hold yourself through painful emotions is the route to not continually experiencing them. When we care for ourselves with as much care and compassion as we would a young child, we can learn to sit through the emotions and have faith that they will pass. Look also for all the ways in which we are grateful for our lives, even the ways in which the hurtful situation may have helped us learn. Perhaps it set you on a different path? There are always those tiny glimmers of positivity, and the more we dedicate time and effort to finding them, the more we will see in future. It’s a process of retraining your brain what to focus on. Again, this isn’t easy, so I recommend getting some support from someone trained to help you do so.

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Identify the recurring patterns that keep you feeling resentment. There will be things in your life (or thoughts and feelings) that seem to happen again and again. There is a part of you that keeps that happening. Working with someone who can facilitate your awareness around this, and then teach you how to separate from those patterns – there is no greater freedom than that in my opinion!

If this article resonates with you and you know you feel resentment too much, drop me a message or book a free call to discuss it. In just 30 minutes I will help you get clarity around what is going on, and how you can TAKE CHARGE of your situation for the better.

Book a free TAKE CHARGE call.

?* webMD / mentalhealth.org