Replacing "Sorry" with "Thank You"

By: Brett Barker

Thank you.

Just wanted to take care of the important part up front.

In my career I've given a lot of different advice to a lot of different people in a lot of different situations. I've given completely contradicting advice to different people dealing with similar issues because no two situations are alike. But there is one key piece of advice that I've found helps almost everyone in every situation, and it is so simple that people often don't recognize just how powerful it can be.

Say "Thank you" instead of "I'm sorry."

I know, it seems trite. I'm ashamed to admit that I'd been told this regularly for years before I actually started doing it, because I kept thinking the same thing, nothing that basic will change anything. Then, I was on a team at work that actually tried it together, and it was like Dorothy walking into Oz, everything changed. Let's talk about why.

First, some clarification, I'm not advocating that you never apologize for making mistakes. Expressions of sorrow are important, as is recognizing mistakes. I'm talking about the constant apologizing for anything that isn't perfect that has become the norm, both at work and in many of our lives. So this is not permission to be mean!

The biggest reason this works is because it makes EVERYONE feel better. It turns out that we like to be thanked more than we like to be apologized at! Think about the last time someone gave you one of those passing apologies for something simple, and think about how you would feel if instead of them feeling bad, you knew they appreciated you dealing with whatever it was?

Lets look at the most common Sorry I see: Sorry I didn't reply to this sooner. We've all said it, we've all received it, and we all hate seeing it. But, one slight change, and we're off to see the Wizard: Thank you for your patience in me getting back to you. You still get to acknowledge that it took longer than expected, but this time you're letting them feel appreciated instead of making them deal with another Sorry.

Saying thank you helps us feel better as well! I recently got to talk about this with my best friends wife, we had been staying with them for several weeks and as we were leaving I thanked her (again) for letting us stay there, and taking care of so much. She said "You thanked us so much while you were here, you really don't need to do that!" and I got to play my favorite reverse card and told her that "Several recent studies in mental health have found that expressions of gratitude are one of the most powerful things we can do to support our own mental health, it reduces anxiety and allows stronger connections with people, so it's something I try to practice as much as I can. So… THANK YOU for letting me practice some more!"

And it's true. The University of Utah (@ them?) has a great article talking about some of the major ways expressions of gratitude can help you, and links to the research details if you want to dig deep into the science.

The best part about this is YOU don't have to wait till you have a team trying this out to make this change! You can just start thanking people, and when your brain tries to throw in a performative Sorry, think about what you could thank someone for instead. Seriously, try it once and you will feel the difference in your soul.

So as I said at the start, thank you. You took the time to read this, and that matters to me.

Now give me another opportunity to practice by leaving a comment! What is a Sorry you'd like to replace? When have you seen a simple Thank You make a change? What are you going to do to practice this?