Reparenting vs. Remanaging: How To Grow From Negative Management Experiences

We know a few things about the past — it is something that is “set in stone,” for some, it can feel like a cage, and for all, it’s where our subconscious mind developed. Prior experience, including experiences from childhood, impact how we process emotions, develop relationships, create boundaries, and so much more. Our past struggles and resulting issues show up differently in our lives, but they’re usually tied to one thing — conditioned behavior from previous experiences.?

When some people think about troublesome habits or patterns they picked up during childhood, they may think, “Well, that’s over; no reason or use in going back.” The truth is, we all have the opportunity to heal, evolve, and consciously choose new behavior as we get older. When it comes to childhood experiences, this process is called reparenting . It was first developed as part of a therapeutic approach by psychiatrist Eric Berne.

Reparenting vs. Remanaging

I can’t help but wonder: If reparenting yourself is giving yourself the love and support you may have lacked as a child, what might remanaging be? Well, I think remanaging is giving yourself the support and resources you didn’t always have as an employee.?

Think about where you started in your career — the highs and lows, the good managers and the bad ones. How did those experiences shape you as a professional? Did negative experiences inadvertently train you to pick up some less than helpful habits? Probably! It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility to address those habits as you age.?

How To Remanage Yourself?

1. Identify the behavior: First things first — try to pinpoint the behavior that may have stemmed from a past interaction or series of events. Put specific language to any vague feelings you might have about when certain habits formed or where they stem from.
2. Take a self-compassionate approach: Practice being gentle with yourself as you attempt to alter behaviors that may have stemmed from previous negative experiences. There’s no need for cruel self-talk, and in fact, it may just make things worse.
3. Be curious: Curiosity is related to self-compassion; essentially, look at yourself and your thoughts and behaviors with a genuine sense of wonder. Try to find intrigue in the question: “Why do I do what I do?”
4. Embrace boundaries and self-discipline: When it comes to changing a behavior, don’t be afraid of setting boundaries and learning to say “No.” Sometimes remanaging yourself may take a firm hand, but it’s important to hold yourself accountable.?
5. Let go of any blame: A major part of reparenting is learning to understand that your parents are only human — They did what they could with the tools that were given to them by their parents. I think the same is true for remanaging. Unhelpful managers and bosses were just working with what someone else passed down to them. So release any blame, and focus on positive change!

Don’t forget to celebrate your progress. Remember, we’re all in the process of becoming… well, a better version of ourselves. I don’t think that process ever ends, nor should it! Your goals are important, but there is so much joy in the journey.