RENDEZVOUS WITH MY SUPER SELF!

Dear Hope, Gratitude and Faith… Where are you? I miss you a lot and I truly need you now more than ever! Please come back….Please I beg off you!

There is so much of hopelessness everywhere.. With so many people dying, seeing your loved ones struggle to breathe…Such helplessness…? I can’t see you Dear Hope, in Despair? A grieving mother seeing her son on a video call for one last time, a sister bid adieu to her dead brother on his final journey- on a video call.. A brother seeing his sister in an Ambulance gasping for breath- knowing that this is the last time he is seeing her.. A son laying both his parents to the funeral pyre within a gap of just few days..Feeling even worse-unable to give them a dignified death..Ufff…How do we as humans deal with this insurmountable grief?? I don’t know how to deal with it…

I FEEL NUMB & SORE…WANT TO STAY BLIND…DEAF….INHUMAN ENOUGH TO STAY IGNORANT!! This heaviness in my heart.. I can’t take it! The lump in the throat that’s been there for a while…unable to swallow…this constant fear of loosing someone..I FEEL NUMB..I FEEL SORE..my eyes absolutely dry!!

The Voice: “Chinmayee, you are a Coach- you are supposed to be a light house to so many. That’s what you’ve been doing despite personal crisis and even when you were down & out..And that’s what your purpose is..Isn’t it? What happened my Chief Optimist? Where is your Optimism today?”

Me: “Ya.. but I can’t pretend..What am I going to tell people when I am feeling so heavy & heartbroken myself.. unable to cope up. I can’t fill from an empty cup..? Or can I??”

The Voice: “But who said- you are empty?” You have me inside of you..

Me: “Ya ya, I know..I know it’s me only!”

The Voice: “No, Not just you but the purest of you i.e. the you that’s there in everyone and the purest of everyone that’s there in you too…The source- The power.. The God that you’ve been remembering for soo long!! Here I am… Right inside of you..I understand it’s being so hard to have the faith right now..Don’t! Just let go of everything.. everything else..You just breathe! And let me take over. Just let me fill you up with myself completely! You just close your eyes-and try to be present to me!

Remember, that’s what you do each time when life overwhelms you, when you feel alone, abandoned, cheated, lied to, hopeless, helpless, alone, sick, depressed.. Remember when you lost your job? Remember when you Mum was so sick? Remember when they blamed you? When they left you? When they doubted you? When you had no-one to love you? When you reached the dead end? When you thought it’s all over!...All those times- you did exactly the same thing.. So what changed now?Just let go..and Breathe!”

Me: Well, am speechless and my dry eyes—finally swollen with tears.. the lump in my throat melting away…Faith, Hope & Gratitude filling me up once again.. Finding my strength back in Helplessness, the light inside of me in this darkness…Realizing that I am so insignificant and reminding myself- that I can’t promise myself a dignified death but at least a dignified life for myself and those I love..Give them the love & respect while I can.. And we all can do that if we are willing to take collective responsibility.. Just do out bit with the belief that the God inside me is watching over me…

I sign off with a sigh..With a lighter heart and hope you can find your light too..

Lots of Love, Light & Hugs to you all….

Chinmayee