Removing the Armor

At the VitalSmarts Reach conference this past winter, Joseph Grenny shared something that deeply affected me.  He shared that everyone craves and fears to live in a place of transparency and truth. And we fear that if we are fully exposed, we won’t be loved.  He shared how you can’t ask people to commit to change if you don’t love them, love the organization, and love your customers.  I am not sure I remember much after that.   I do remember thinking – love, in the workplace?  Why was this so foreign to me? I started to think more deeply about this.   

I’ve been on a journey over the past several years.  A journey that started with an expedition that would lead me to a deep level of self-discovery beyond my imagination.   I’m going to share some of that journey with you now.  I want to warn you.  What I am about to share with you is deeply personal.  I intend to help you see how the tools I’ve learned in CHANGE ANYTHING are helping me create a new experience for me and those in my life. 

I have spent most of my life seeing myself through the lens of a kaleidoscope. A kaleidoscope that was cunningly designed to drum up fear.  When looking through this kaleidoscope, I would see all my flaws, in brilliant colors that made them all seem undeniable.  And when you see yourself as flawed, you behave as if you are flawed. 

I'd see myself as too big, too small, not smart enough, not interesting, weak, unstable, ill, unwanted, unloved.  And I’d behave in ways to confirm those stories.  When others would tell me I was loved, wanted, strong, handsome, smart - my kaleidoscope would say in perfect pitch, “if they only saw the real you, well then they would change their mind and heart.”

With this view, I led much of my life with fear, creating conditions where I felt a deep need to cover myself in thick armor.   I had this illusion that if I armored up every day, then you wouldn't see the real me.   A scared little boy craving connection, craving a new way to live, craving to be seen.  

I started to realize I was outgrowing the armor.  And it was no longer protecting me; it was making me ill. Squeezing the life out of me.  Keeping me from connecting with others. Keeping me in the dark away from the light.  If I wanted a new experience, I would have to remove the armor.  

To free myself from the armor, I was going to have to have a change of heart. And that required me to start questioning what I wanted for myself, what I wanted for others in my life, and what I wanted for the world around me.   And what struck me is that what I most wanted was what I most feared.  What I most wanted was a more authentic connection with others.  And for others, I wanted them to decide to be in my life because they saw the whole me, not the armored-up version.  

Knowing what I want for myself and others and being willing to do what it takes to get them are two different things.  If I wanted these things, I would have to behave differently.  I would have to unlearn the behaviors that kept me in that armored suit and identify new behaviors that would get the connection I desired.  

Using the Change Anything model, I identified four new behaviors:

?   Share with others what I saw when I looked in the kaleidoscope.  

?   Tell people the truth about myself, even when it is hard.  

?   See the human and love the human in everyone - what I ask others to do.  

?   Be willing to share my pain and joy and allow others to do the same without judgment.

Here is what I am learning by enacting these behaviors to the best of my ability.

1)   Being vulnerable is hard and exciting. A friend asked me if I thought it was harder for Superman to be Superman or Clark Kent?  I would imagine Clark Kent would be harder.  Clumsy, uncomfortable, awkward, insecure, holding a secret.  My learning here, being vulnerable is a skill.  New skills and behaviors are almost always hard.   And when I have been vulnerable to the right person, I have had discoveries about myself and others that have given me a new sense of self and others and motivated me to be vulnerable more.  This article is an example of that.

2)   Showing up armor free.  When asked his secret to success, Al Pacino once said, “Showing up!”  And he left it at that.  I can’t sit and watch 6-hours of Netflix by myself and expect to change.  I have to leave the house.  I have to remove the armor even in the most challenging situations. I have to show up.  Armor free and be there for others.  And allow others to be there for me.

3)   It takes a village. Someone close to me once said, “What I know about change, is it rarely is something that can be done alone.  Self cannot change self.”  And that is proving true for me.  I need people.  I need people to motivate me and show me the way.

4)   I have to go slow to go fast.   If I expect that I will change overnight, there is a significant gap between my reality and my expectation.   I need to change my expectation or change my reality. I found that both had to be replaced.

5)   The kaleidoscope was not the problem. I am the problem.  I have a faulty translator – yes you heard that correctly. A faulty translator.  I will see something in the kaleidoscope and immediately tell myself a story.  One that paints me in an unfavorable light and keeps my world small.   When I share with others what I see, they often give me a completely different interpretation.  One that is usually more accurate.  

6)   Love is a verb (action) not a noun. I’ve been looking for love as if it was something that could be found.  An object.  What I know now is that love is an action.  Saying I love someone and loving you don’t always go hand in hand.  For me to love you and for you to love me, I need to see you.  I need to know you.  And knowing and seeing you require action.  I need to be there, be curious, sit with you in your pain, hold you in your hurt, laugh with you, play with you, pray with you.  I need to be present for the whole human experience and allow you to be present for mine.

7)   I will never be perfect.  There isn’t even a template for perfect.  The only the template I have is the one I created in my head.  The same head with the faulty interpreter. 

8)   I have to give up certainty.  I have to listen and talk tentatively. Without pre-judgment to see new ways of being.  By giving up certainty, I open my life to a whole new experience.

I want to share a deeply personal example of the most powerful experience practicing these new behaviors have provided.

A few years ago, I took a risk.  I extended enough trust over a period of time with someone I now call a friend.  One day, he brought up God.  Whenever God was brought in conversations, I would instantly become uncomfortable. I still do to some extent.  My armor will start to layer on one piece at a time.  Now, when I notice myself starting to armor up, this is a crucial moment.  The moment I can continue the ritual or work towards a new way of being.

I decided to enact my new behaviors.  I confided in this person that I hated God.  Oddly enough, he wasn’t surprised.  He asked me, “Why do you hate God.”  I described several surface level reasons.  He wasn’t there for me.  His followers are hypocrites, etc.  All stories I’ve told myself over the years to justify my belief.  

And then, this man asked me “What is the real reason you hate God so much?” And, after a few moments, tears rolled down my face.  I shared with him that when I was a child, a man had done things to me that no one should ever do to another human being.  I couldn’t understand how a God could allow this to happen.  I said, at best God was too busy with another one of his children to care about me. And at worse, he was there, and he let it happen. My friend, holding my hand said. “What if there is a third option? What if God was there?  What if he was there, crying?  Crying because two of his children were in pain?”

My entire world changed at that very moment.  As the certainty I had about God and this experience was lifting, I could see through clearer eyes than mine, my friends, that there might be many different stories that could be told about this experience.  And about God.    

Today I pray.  I don’t entirely know too who.  But I pray. I don’t don't do it perfectly, but I pray.  And I’m extending a small amount of trust that God may be in my life.  My prayer often goes something like this.  “God give me what I need to be of maximum service to you and your children.  Help me have a new experience looking through the kaleidoscope you’ve given me."

Readers, thank you for allowing me to remove my armor.   And thank you to all my friends who are walking beside me on this journey. My hope, wish, a dream is that you will recognize the human in yourself and others. And be open and present for the experience of connection.

If you want to learn more about the Change Anything program.  Reach out to me.  I will be happy to share with you the key learnings.

#changeforgood