A reminder on how to say "NO"

I don’t not know if it is just me or not but I still sometimes find it difficult to say “no” Okay I admit I am a people pleaser - I want to help, I am polite, I want to be agreeable, I don't want conflict, I would hate to lose an opportunity and I hate to burn bridges. Simply, if I was really honest I just want everything to run smoothly and I want to be loved !

For some reason, and it could be child hood conditioning, the way I understood it was that when I said “yes” people around me were happier. I love to make people happy so I became the “yes” girl. Now this caused few problems when I was younger because quite frankly I had little responsibility. Fast forward to my 30’s and add two children (preshool aged) and a high pressure new corporate position and you have a recipe for disaster ! 

I received an extra special present, for being so good and consistently saying “yes” I started having my own personal nightmare called panic attacks! The only way out was saying ‘NO” because there was simply no other option.

It took some time however, in my experience dealing with people at work and in life, I realised these reasons are more misconceptions than anything. I learnt that saying “No” did not mean I am being rude or impolite; neither does it mean I am are being disagreeable or difficult. Saying “No” doesn’t mean there will be conflict nor that I would lose opportunities in the future or burn bridges. And saying no has nothing to do with being loved. These are all false beliefs in our minds.

At the end of the day, for me it’s about how I say “no”, rather than the fact I am saying no, that affects the outcome. After all, we all have your own priorities and needs, just like everyone has his/her own needs. Saying no is about respecting and valuing my time and my space. Saying no is everyones prerogative.

Once I started to say “no” I released the fear and realised that it was not nearly as bad as I thought. And to my surprise people were very understanding and still like me! 

Depending on the situation here are 8 ways which worked really well for me…..

1. Take a sip of water before answering the request

In meetings particularly I always would have a glass of water with me. As I was always super polite my “yes” would jump out prior to me having time to think about the response. Giving myself that 2 second delay in the beginning especially gave me time to reprogram my answer.

2. Let me think about that one and I will come back to you - when do you need an answer?

This gave me time to think again and put the request back on the person to answer the question about when they needed the answer rather than what the answer was yes or no.

3. I would love to commit to this but simply I have other priorities at the moment

Let the person making the request know that it is not the request rather the other priorities you already have committed too. It is not their suggestion or idea rather your workload currently.

4. I am currently in the middle of a deadline, how about we reconnect at X time? 

It is common to be working to a deadline or have requests when you are in the middle of something that needs to be finished. This is a perfect way to temporarily hold off a request and you are offering convenience to the other person by suggesting another time to connect.

5. This is not the direction I am taking currently but I am sure to keep you in mind.

If you are really not interested in an idea or concept someone has offered you let them know quickly. The more in depth discussion you have the more difficult it can be to say ‘NO’

6. I would love that but….

Simple and easy. I use this a lot with friends and work colleagues. The key here is to keep anything after the but short and sweet. The more you justify why the more ineffective this is. Give one short reason why and say no more.

7. Great idea however I am not an expert in that area. Why not asked X ?

If someone wants help from you in an area you are not wanting to contribute in or you have little resources in explain to them you are just the wrong person. Giving them another person or area to investigate means you are still helpful as they have a lead they can follow up on.

8. Thank you but no thank you.

Short, sweet and to the point. No explanation or justification just no thank you. I must admit I had to work up to that but it works the best. Most people accept the answer and just move on.

I love a trip but not a guilt trip! The next step for me was understanding of the guilt attached to each “no” This was my conditioning with years of saying “yes” Whenever I felt guilty I just took a step back and look for the belief in my “mind” that told me I did a wrong thing. I realised that there is no ultimate truth in a belief it is only an idea. This simple understanding liberated me of the self imposed guilt. It was just a new strategy and like any new habit it needed practice ! 

 Sandy Colombo

Author, Coach and facilitator

www.eatbiggerfrogsleadership.com