Remembering my Grandma

Today, February 26th, is "Letter to an Elder Day." I am a big proponent of taking the time to write handwritten notes to people. Taking the time to sit down with pen and paper and to capture what someone means to you is powerful.

February 26th was also my grandma's birthday. Unfortunately, she passed away a few years ago. My grandma was my biggest influence, my biggest cheerleader, and my biggest inspiration. While I can no longer send her a letter, I thought I would share with you the eulogy I wrote and delivered at her funeral.

Which "elder" in your life will you stop and recognize today?

One of the greatest compliments someone could ever give me would be to say that I take after my Grandma Dot. She was, without a doubt, the person I’ve admired most and strived to be like.

But let me tell you, there’s one way I certainly don’t take after my grandma, and it’s this: humility.

When we were moving my grandma out of her house into assisted living a couple years ago, my mom, grandma and I sat down with one of the workers in the assisted living center for a meeting. There were several questions about her health and her daily routine, but one question stood out to me. They asked her, “What are your greatest strengths, Dorothy?” My grandma sat there quietly, then shrugged her shoulders, and said, “Oh, I don’t know.” I pushed her to think of something, and finally, she said, “I guess I bake good chocolate chip cookies.”

Now remember, this is where I said I don’t take after my grandma. She was incredibly humble. If you were to ask me what my strengths and talents are… Oh, I would tell you. So yes, I am confident in myself. But let me also say, I am quick to point out the strengths and talents of others, too.

My grandma wouldn’t be very happy with me right in this moment. Grandma was never one who liked much attention on her, and she certainly wouldn’t want me or any of us to be making a big fuss over her. In fact, I imagine if she were sitting with us here today, she’d be telling me to sit down so that the pastor could get on with the service. But nonetheless, I’m going to stand here and tell you how absolutely incredible my grandma was.

Yes, my grandma baked great cookies. But after she answered that question, I spoke up in that meeting at the assisted living center and said, “Oh Grandma, you’re not giving yourself enough credit. You know what I think your greatest strength is? You are a caretaker. You have, for years, always been taking care of others. You are amazing at caring for people… and this, right now, is so hard because you’re needing people to care for you.”

Up until her mind and her body started to fail her a few years ago, my grandma was always on the move, always looking to help others. When we’d be in her house, my mom would often turn to my grandma and say, “Sit down, Mom. Come relax.” But that wasn’t my grandma’s nature. Yes, she loved to visit with us, but she was always making sure we were well-fed and that everyone was comfortable. We’d have just finished dinner, and after she made sure all the dishes were washed, there she’d be serving up some ice cream and her homemade chocolate sauce. And then, not much later, she’d offer to make ham sandwiches for anyone who was still hungry.

Beyond that, her days were kept busy volunteering at church, the food shelf, delivering Meals on Wheels, taking friends to doctor’s appointments, baking a dessert for one event or another, or for way longer than we thought was necessary, mowing her own lawn or snow-blowing the driveway.

My grandma knew how to keep busy. In fact, that was one of her pieces of advice – be busy. Grandma was a planner and put many things in order for this very day – the day of her funeral. She wrote down for us the Bible verses she wanted read, the hymns she wanted us to sing, and she also wrote down some of her thoughts about how to live your life.

At the top of a sheet of paper, she wrote the word “Attitude.” And beneath that, she wrote 4 directives.

The first one was what I just mentioned. Be busy. Now, when my grandma wrote this, I know she didn’t mean it like so many of us live the word “busy” today. Many of us, myself included, live in a world of busyness. But a jam-packed schedule is not what my grandma meant when she said to be busy. Instead, she meant that we should be enjoying this amazing world we’ve been given. Whether it’s nature, which my grandma firmly believed was meant to be cared for and appreciated, or the people around us, we should be busy enjoying our time on this earth. As children, my brother and I once made the mistake of saying (okay, I suppose we were whining), “We’re bored.” And I remember, my grandma said, “That’s one word I never want to hear you say again. There’s plenty of things to do in this world so there’s no excuse for being bored.” She made us promise to not say that word again, or we’d owe her $5. You can bet we were sure to never use that word in front of her again.

The second piece of advice my grandma wrote down was to be positive. My grandma was one who firmly believed that you should be happy with what you’ve got. The other day, my uncle Joe, my grandma’s oldest son, was telling us about the first farmhouse my grandma and grandpa lived in when my uncle was young. They had no running water in the house and the cold winter air easily blew straight through the house. My grandparents would have to bring water in the from the barn and heat it up on the stove. One time, the pot of hot water got knocked over and was all over the floor of their kitchen. The water froze on the ground before my grandma could even clean it up. I can’t imagine staying positive living like that, but my grandma was one not to complain. She lived a life of gratitude, and of being positive.

The third directive my grandma wrote down was to be yourself. My grandma was not concerned about keeping up with the Joneses. In fact, if you bought a bigger house, she would say that it must just mean that you really like to vacuum. And when it came to what other people’s opinions were, she didn’t care. She knew who she was. I remember one time my mom and I were talking with my grandma and asking her why she never got her ears pierced. She said she never wanted to. I joked with her and said, “Why not now? Let’s go get your ears pierced!” My grandma wasn’t having it. My mom tried to coax her along by listing off some of my grandma’s relatives who had their ears pierced. And without skipping a beat, my grandma said, witty as ever, “Yeah, and look what happened to them! They’re all dead.” My grandma had a great sense of humor, but more importantly, she knew that God uniquely made each of us… and that’s who we’re called to be.

Finally, and probably the most important of the 4 pieces of advice my grandma wrote for us, was to “be in touch with God – He is in control.” My grandma had an unshakeable faith. She knew exactly where she was heading after her time on this earth was done. We take comfort in God’s promise that death is not the end and we look forward to the day when we are reunited again in Heaven.

I had the privilege of being with my Grandma as she was called home to be with Jesus. On the afternoon of Sunday, May 26th, my mom received a call from the hospice nurse. My grandma wasn’t doing well. It was Memorial Day weekend, and my parents were over 3 hours away at their cabin. Now, it wasn’t entirely uncommon to get a call from hospice saying my grandma wasn’t having a good day. As her health declined, some days were good and some days were not. My mom called me and asked if I could head down from the cities to check in on my grandma.

When I came into my grandma’s room in the nursing home, she was clearly agitated and in pain. The nurses were working to make her comfortable. The last few months of my grandma’s life, she mainly communicated by nodding her head yes or no. So while she couldn’t verbalize much, she acknowledged me when I arrived by nodding her head and squeezing my hand when the nurse asked, “Dorothy, do you see – your granddaughter is here?”

I held her hand and started talking to her. As I talked to her, she started to calm down. She turned, and she locked eyes with me. This was a big moment as many times when we’d visit with her towards the end, she’d mainly keep her eyes closed. But on that day, she looked at me. And I knew, she was really looking at me as I told her just how much I loved her. She kept her eyes right on mine as I told her how grateful I was to have had her as my grandma.

I told my grandma she was strong. I told my grandma she taught me to be generous and to work hard. I told her how much I appreciated that she set the example for me that a woman’s place is not just in the kitchen. It’s however, and wherever, you can make a difference.

I knew that all my grandma ever wanted was for her family and friends to be happy and healthy. So I started naming all of the members of our family and told her that we were all okay. I then decided to call my mom and my uncle Joe and put them on speaker phone. I told them that I thought that Grandma would like to her their voices. So, they talked to her. They told her they loved her.

At this point, she started getting more tired. But through that all, she kept focused on me and I knew she was listening. I was still holding her hand as I told her it was okay to go. I told her we knew she was ready to go be with my grandpa, my Uncle Jerry, and so many other family members and friends that had gone on before her. I told her we’d miss her, but it was okay, we’d see her again.

She fell asleep. Her breathing slowed, and she peacefully passed away.

And while my grandma lived her life in a way that set such a great example for all of us – be busy, be positive, be yourself, and be in touch with God – it was incredibly fitting that she taught me one final lesson on that day. If I had known as I was driving down to go see her that day that she would pass away as I sat with her, I know I would have doubted if I could handle it. But what I learned that day is: When God calls you, He will equip you. My mom told me she was sorry I was alone that day, but I told her, “We are never alone.”

I am so grateful that I could be with my grandma that day, but I am so much more grateful for the life she lived. I am grateful for the difference she made in my life and in the lives of so many others. We are all better because of the life she lived…

Grandma… Thank you. I love you.