Remembering Mara

As promised to a couple of friends, who suggested sharing it more broadly, here's the text of the eulogy from our daughter, Mara's memorial service last week

. Susan Kelley wrote and delivered it, drawing upon Mara's recent writings. She was Mara's creative nonfiction teacher at Pittsburgh CAPA 6-12. Her mother, brother and I are grateful for the way in which Susan gave Mara a voice at the service, and an uplifting one at that. Mara would be grateful, too.

We are sharing this with Susan's permission. Please feel free to share it with someone you care about if you feel it could help.

December 5, 2016

Good morning.
Mara Catherine Flanagan.
If you read her Romper profile, Romper is the website Mara wrote for, if you read her profile there,
it says “Social Media Strategist, specializing in
education and the arts. Fan of jazz, filmmaking, and the circus.”

It is that last part that truly connected me to Mara. I was her creative nonfiction teacher at CAPA. I taught her essay writing and memoir. In one assignment, Mara wrote about the circus, and she wrote honestly about the ethical difficulty of loving the circus and coming to understand the mistreatment of animals. She was sensitive to this, and kind.

It was a joy to watch Mara’s many kindnesses, especially to students at CAPA. It seemed like she always had time for peer review, sometimes to the detriment of her own work. She missed more than a few of my deadlines, and every time it was because she was busy helping out on someone else’s project.

In her senior year, she wrote another essay about the circus. It was brilliant. Mara would not like me to brag about her, but that piece is why I stayed in touch as she went away to college, and continued to grow as a writer. She was the real deal. When it was time, I reached out not as a teacher, but as a colleague. But by then, she was sick. I wanted her to write through the journey. To keep working on the gift. I had no idea how difficult things were just then because Mara never shares her difficulty, she focuses on making everyone else’s life a little less harsh.

I think the best way for me to share some of Mara’s journey, and her outlook, is to share her own words, because Mara’s lasting legacy is through writing.

Her family shared some of Mara’s recent work with me, and I am so glad. Mara had been collaborating with me on my own writing, but, so very typical of Mara, she had been reluctant to share her own work with me lately. I kept prodding her to write, and she would say, “Yeah, I should do that…” and then not send anything. Little did I know, she was doing it all along.

Mara had a very different perspective than many of us, different than many of us might expect.
She was keenly aware of herself, and protective of all of us. She did not want any in her world to endure what she was enduring. In one of our talks, repeated in her writing, she made it clear, and she even put it in author’s terms. She wrote:
“the more vulnerable one is, the more difficult it is to control the narrative.” So Mara controlled the narrative, just like all good authors do.

While I taught her memoir, she was also a talented poet. She wrote a poem titled
“After Diagnosis”

Every day, we risk endings –
But I feel as though I may have already read
The last page.
I’ve stood with flame
In hand and thought
About burning the book
But –
What I hold is not a match,
But a sparkler.
The bristling light illuminates
A path forward.
I can’t make out much
By the spitting embers,
But I keep reading
Compelled to ask
For one more minute,
Just one, until
Whole chapters stretch out
And the narrative
Is so deeply embedded
In my bones
That I suck the marrow,
Savoring the taste.

She wrote, on that same page – with looping, beautiful curves, in all capital letters:

"I AM GRATEFUL

…happy knowing that I live in a world where dreams come true.
In which you get to star in a show that resonates so deeply with your experience, that drives you forward.
It is such a joy to watch your dreams come true."

She wrote that in response to an interview that Javier Munoz, the lead actor in the musical Hamilton, gave with Stephen Colbert. In the same journal, she had also begun a letter to Munoz, sharing her own gratitude with him. Munoz is living out the role of Hamilton while HIV positive, so he faces the risk of illness himself in a very real way.

She wrote that while driving to Delaware for Easter, she finally listened to the entire soundtrack of Hamilton, and that the main character, Alexander Hamilton, taught her how to live
If that sounds odd to you, it won’t when you consider that what Mara focused on wasn’t a duel, and it wasn’t being one of the founding fathers or even having written 51 of the Federalist papers.

Mara wrote this:

“I will forever be grateful to Mr. Miranda and to you for creating a character that changed the life of a 23-year old in Pittsburgh.
Once, in an interview, Mr. Miranda said that on the day of his fatal duel, Hamilton had an appointment scheduled for a few hours later. And so I live the same way now: making plans I may never live out, dreaming dreams that may never come true. The odds of my celebrating my 30th birthday are excruciatingly small. But because of Hamilton, that reality does not make me bitter. In January, I wasn’t sure I’d see the summer. Now, I look around at how lucky I am to be alive right now and try to give as much as I can while I am here.”

And that is Mara.

Mara gave as much as she could while she was here.

Her friend Shannon, who read the prayer for us today recently described it so well– Mara would apologize perhaps for not having said a proper goodbye. For not having accommodated us all with farewell notes. She was red lipstick, fingerless gloves, SPLINK, HerCampus. At CAPA, Literary Artist of the Year, lover of Pennsylvania sunsets, fierce supporter of the arts.

But just when we think that Mara did not bid us proper farewell, we underestimated her. Mara turned 23 on May 7 of this year. She then enjoyed a summer of Billy Joel, Burrito Tuesdays, long conversations, and Pennsylvania’s loveliest sunsets.
On the eve of her 23rd Birthday, Mara wrote this.
Perhaps she wrote it for those of us who love her most.

"I am about eight minutes away from turning 23. This year has been absolutely wild, but I am so incredibly grateful to feel so incredibly loved.

I graduated from college, celebrated so many beautiful occasions with family, and met extraordinary real-life heroes. But my biggest heroes are my family members.

I will always treasure Dad holding my hand, Mom sleeping by my side, and Will making me laugh. I will treasure the prayers of extended family and the unwavering support of friends.

I am grateful -- so deeply grateful -- for all of the love in my life."

And we are grateful for you, Mara. We are grateful for you.