Remedial Empathy in Leadership

As I consider my years in leadership, it's tempting to focus on the good - what did I do right? What did I achieve? What is better because I was there? Positive lessons learned help us replicate success, help us mentor others in similar approaches, help us reflect with gratitude on the meaningful and rewarding aspects of our (occasionally mundane and frustrating) roles.

What is harder is reviewing, honestly - where did I mess up? What mistakes did I make, as I implemented change, as I managed my direct reports? Looking hard at ourselves as leaders, asking our teams for what we could have done better, asking for honest feedback in the midst of a new pet program or project - this takes a willingness to commit to all members of the team being considered as worthy of input and mutual respect.

A Long-term Relationship

Leadership can have so many elements of a long-term relationship - the falling in love with possibility phase, the "getting to know you" phase of teams and individuals. Having the margin and energy to express gratitude, to encourage, to profess committment. But it also comes with all the challenges of a long-term relationship - the unexpected conflicts, the financial stressors, the time pressures of having to get things done by the end of the day, the inability to control external pressures. And like all relationships, when those challenges come we can respond in different ways - sometimes with grace and maturity and a patient approach, understanding the long term gain; sometimes throwing in the towel and calling it quits. And sometimes, with failure - with losing our cool, messing up, realising we've not done well in how we've planned, communicated, acted.

For relationships to survive failure, we need humility to acknowledge when we've messed up. And we need to express our part in the failure, and to apologise. Meaningfully. This step of remediation, of making things right, and then of changing our behaviour next time, is some of the hardest work in a relationship.

I think this response to failure is often done poorly by leaders in organisations who say they care for their employees, for their wellbeing, for their resilience. And the lack of this acknowledgment, of apology, of remediation, of change - I suspect this is the reason that so many employees feel abused and neglected by their employers. Feeling a sense of coercive control - "they control my money, so I can't leave" or "my career progression depends on me sticking this out". But our employees become embittered, callous, cynical - and have no interest in contributing to the relationship anymore. They're just living in the same house.

How do we know when we've messed up?

We've all had those meetings, or forums, or chats, that we leave thinking - that did NOT go well. What went wrong there? Rather than deconstructing the conversation based on how the other person overreacted, or how they just did not understand my point of view, a better place to start might be to step back and ask - if I was that person, how was this conversation set up? How did this person feel as I spoke? If I had spoken a different way, could it have been more effective?

This remedial empathy - putting ourselves into an employee's (or team's) shoes - is a valuable way to ask: is there anything I could have done that would have changed this conversation? And is there anything I have to apologise for, remediate, and change in the way I approach similar situations in the future?

So what do we do next?

When we hear our teams' feedback, and appear to not acknowledge our part in it, or take responsibility for it, we fracture trust. And our workers sure don't want a bunch of flowers to say sorry, or a yoga class, or a wellness session as a token effort of caring about our teams. They want to feel heard when they say that something we are doing isn't working or that they felt our communication was inadequate, and the sense that we care enough to not repeat past mistakes.

So how do we do this in the day to day?

1. Acknowledge the truth - there is a wrong that needs righting. Make a time to sit and say - can we recap our conversation? As I have reflected, I realise that it did not go well, or end well. And I want to talk about my perspective on my part in that. And don't wait too long after the event to do it.
2. Acknowledge my part, and apologise. Unreservedly.

Some leaders contend that admitting error is a sign of weakness and an open door for allegations of illegitimacy. So often the opposite is true. What is more powerful than an individual who can stand in front of his or her employees and admit that the failure was his or hers? What better way to gain the respect and admiration of your team than to take the blame and responsibility on yourself rather than calling out someone on your team? By admitting you are wrong, by taking blame, you will have a group of more committed followers. - Doug Guthrie

This might mean acknowledging:

• I didn't consider all the factors when I implemented this plan.
• I have not fully consider the feedback from you or my team on this subject.
• My change management strategy was lacking - I should have involved you more in the planning, in the mid-project evaluation, in adapting the plan when things were not going as I'd foreseen.
• The timing of our meeting to discuss this was not ideal (for you, or for me?) - I should have considered the importance of that conversation and planned it for a different time.
• I have been getting your feedback and trying to improve things, but I have failed - but I didn't tell you it wasn't going to change, or why.
• I realise have not communicated well about this prior to now, which means this came as a surprise for you.
• While there are factors outside of my control that meant I could not change this outcome, I have not shared those well with you and worked with you enough on alternate solutions or how to mitigate the impact on you and your team.
• The way I talked to you in that meeting/forum was thoughtless, disrespectful, condescending. It's not the kind of leader I want to be.

3. Commit to what I'll do differently next time. Specifically and clearly - with the next project, I'd like to involve you and the team differently. I'd like to communicate more regularly about this topic, and plan to do so monthly via xxxx. Next change, we'll make sure to build reevaluation points and I'll share with the team the project timeline and gates at each checkpoint. I commit to listening more and talking less in our next checkup. I commit to respectful communication in how and what we talk about.

Respect starts at the top

As I look at news articles on misery in the NHS, tragic repeated errors in healthcare, misogyny in surgical leadership, and the revolving doors of executive leadership in public health, something that strikes me is the silence and defensiveness. As we talk about patient safety and quality, open disclosure, and cultures of transparency, I think we will continue to be frustrated by system failures until we see this culture embodied at every level. A culture of reflection, of humility, on willingess to admit culpability, to apologise and repair. We need this culture most of all in our managers, executives and boards. When we see honesty, humility and an ability to publicly self correct, we will start to see it more in our organisational cultures and industries.

And it has to start with me.

Further reading

https://www.forbes.com/sites/dougguthrie/2012/06/01/creative-leadership-humility-and-being-wrong/?sh=30e95db6403b

https://middlemanaged.com/2020/03/01/apologizing-as-a-leader-the-necessary-step-to-keep-your-team-on-track/

https://hbr.org/2019/07/the-elements-of-a-good-company-apology