Remain curious in the relationship with your 16-24-yr-old

Rushing water never picks up dirt because it stays in motion. Human beings need to maintain a similar forward movement with negotiating their relationships. – KSB

When people become sluggish/lazy in the interactions with one another, communication is non-existent, or there is a general labeling of someone as x, y, or anywhere in between, problems are bound to occur.

What is the remedy to this type of relational neglect/damage?  

Simply, curiosity.  

Remaining curious is especially critical in the relationships you have with your 16-24-yr-old sons. It addresses problems in their early stage, helps keep the conversation flowing, avoids power struggles, while respecting his budding adulthood and your parental responsibilities.  

Here is an example of a parent/client, who learned the art of curiosity, instead of engaging in screaming matches with their high-school/college-bound son, who experienced a relapse due to his traumatic background.  

Let’s call him G. He started to have major battles with what his adopted parents considered excessive video game use, until they learned to address his needs from a trauma-informed approach. (This 17-year-old had struggled emotionally after being adopted from a Romanian orphanage at age 11 and in his two foster care placements).

A different conversation with his adopted son

(Father’s presence was soft-spoken, playful, with soft eyes, at eye level, and is genuinely interested in the response).

F: “What is the game called, and how do you play?”

(G’s explanation; telling him the rules, while Dad actively listened).

F: “G, it seems like you really like it . . .”  

“Would you kindly share with me what you like so much?”

G: “Well, I like different made-up characters, but I am not sure why?”

F: “It may be fun to explore. I am curious. Who do you get to be when you play?”

G: “They are all make believe, but are super powerful and fearless . . .”

“You think it is a silly game though . . .”  

“It makes you mad I won’t stop playing.”  

F: “Sorry about before, talk to me son . . .”  

“Can you pretend to be one of the characters you like?”

(G does his best character portrayal of three heroes, while dad celebrates his son’s share. They end up laughing together).

It was later discovered that G was reexperiencing some abandonment issues, triggered by past traumas, when his new little brother arrived. This pretend world made him feel safe. The parents addressed his fear by reassuring him that he was loved. Mutually, they decided that more family time was needed, while starting individual counseling for G, and group counseling for all the members.   

Trust-based Relationship Intervention (TBRI) a research-based approach, was used. It encourages people, who are working with similar children like G from “hard places,” to see the need behind the behavior and quickly meet it through these connecting principles:  

·        Eye Contact

·        Voice Quality

·        Playful Interaction

·        Matching Behavior

·        Character Praise

·        Touch

·        Eye Contact  

(G’s screen time was negotiated wisely, the underlying trauma got addressed, and the overall situation improved rather quickly).   

By remaining curious, especially with children that have been traumatized like this young man, you will be in a much better position to meet a need and retain that loving relationship.    

 Thank you for reading.  

Researcher’s Bio

Karen Bontrager helps 16-24-year-old men make permanent shifts in their behavior from merely surviving in life to thriving through transparent coaching/counseling in one-on-one conversations and in group work, and through topic sensitive workshops. With this ontological approach, I partner with my clients to discover their essence, (aka highest and best self) by powerfully reflecting and listening to them. My clients quickly learn how to generate self-awareness and to voice their own relationship needs in a clear, constructive way by learning key coaching techniques/evidenced based counseling approaches/tools to work past their traumatic events and addictions to move forward. The clients are then equipped to develop healthy relationships with key relationships: parents/siblings/friends, and with intimate dating partners because they have learned how to proactively use their voice.