Reluctant and Feeling Confused

Imposter Syndrome, Apprehension, Overwhelmed, Uncertain, and Reluctant. I have used these words multiple times to describe how I feel in various moments since setting out on my own. I know when I was younger, any "Idea" I had was met with lots of questions, people trying to help me and make sure I had thought things through. What they weren't often aware of, is that before positioning an idea, I had usually spent hours of each day for weeks or months or longer over thinking. I had imagined every single possible failure even to extreme grandeur. This is what made me a good Intelligence Analyst. This is also what made me perpetually stressed.

As my years came along, and others started to see me as an Adult, or a capable decision maker, folks either stopped asking cautionary questions or encouraged me. What didn't change is the questions kept rolling in my mind, the moment I woke up, the moment I tried to talk about my company, my skills, or my vision for it all. My self-doubt was stronger than any feedback I was receiving, and we all know we are harder on ourselves than anyone else. I had sat on my ideas, knowledge, and plans for 7 + years, and when it came time to pour it out, I was reluctant. In moments I was terrified, it became safer to not be vulnerable. I was back in the mindset of a 24-year-old version of myself for nearly two months.

Pushing past things, has become a specialty of mine but it doesn't make me stronger, wiser maybe but in the end it becomes tiring. The struggle loses appeal especially when you are very aware of the hurdles that lie ahead. It's impossible when launching a start-up to know the exact perfect path you're meant to take for success. You build connections, pursue discussions, but ultimately its timing and chance, then it's tenacity and overcoming more obstacles.

The flip side of this coin? You're no longer doing it alone.

The doubt isn't just on you and nor is the success. It takes investors, team members, Co-Founders, family, and friends to get a start-up off and running. There's a "We and US" backing you, and often you're recharged by backing them up too. The worries are there, the reluctance still creeps in and the confusion that comes with making decisions quickly, slip into your mind, but far less and for much shorter duration. I always told myself, "If you're right back where you started, then at least you know where you land if it fails and since it's "known" you'll be just fine." How do we claim something is a risk, if it doesn't set you back further from where you started? I try to keep this as a grounding thought when the "imposter syndrome" kicks in hardest. After all bravery isn't lack of fear, it's doing what’s needed despite the fear.

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