Releasing yourself from the self-imposed pressure of perfectionism

This week’s newsletter has sprung from my reflections on what a client shared with me:

“I know I put myself under too much pressure.”?

In this case, the pressure was coming to a head from the desire to succeed in a specific goal: securing the senior leadership position they have been working so hard for in recent years. In our conversations, a strong trait of perfectionism was revealed, and much of our work together involved loosening this pattern's seeming grip on them.

This quote by Harriet Braiker is particularly apt:

“Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralising.”

This simple framing shift opens up an exploration of the impact and cost that seeking perfection actually has. For many of us, a strong work ethic and high standards are what has helped us get to where we are in life. However, over time, if we do not ever pause to reflect on whether this trait is actually serving us, we cannot ever entertain being a different way, and perfectionism becomes engrained in us at the level of our identity. The relentless drive for perfect can have a significant cost to our psychological, physical and emotional health: to even consider taking our foot off the pedal can create a cascade of thoughts and feelings such as:

If I don’t give my all, I won’t succeed.

This is the only way I get the results I desire.

If I take it easier on myself, I will get complacent.

If I don’t feel under pressure, I will lose motivation.

If I don’t get it right, and avoid mistakes, I will feel awful.

For some people, this pattern has implications for how they interact and lead. For example, the high standards we create for ourselves become part of our leadership style (‘Pace Setting’ in Daniel Goleman’s model of leadership styles) as we set the bar high for our team, which we model ourselves. This can be very effective in some contexts, but it can have a demoralising impact in others, depending on the makeup and primary purpose of the team.

Furthermore, what often happens is that we project our insecurity onto the situations where we are required to perform, such as giving presentations or interviews. We make many false assumptions about what we think others expect of us, raising the bar in our minds to impossible levels. In such situations, the perfectionist will do everything in their power to avoid failure, often through over-preparation and seeking to plan for every eventuality. This can be energy-sapping and anxiety-inducing; the reality is that whilst good preparation and an eye for detail are often really useful, there is always so much outside of our control, and just as important is showing up as ourselves, to show our human-ness.

Ultimately, a streak of perfectionism does reveal our strengths, which often comprise an eye for detail, being methodical, organised and disciplined. However, the problems begin when we overplay these strengths and become fixed in our thinking about how we ought to be to get the desired results. This is where cultivating greater self-awareness can be so powerful, as we cultivate a more honest sense of who we are being in the world and the narratives we carry around in our heads.

In other instances, our leadership style may differ significantly from how we treat ourselves: we may take a more democratic or coaching-based approach where we do not project our perfectionism onto others. Indeed, we can possess high levels of emotional intelligence and sensitivity to the needs of others whilst not applying the same understanding and empathy to ourselves.

Indeed, I am always curious about the self-image people hold about themselves. What I see time and again is that what manifests to the outside world as a strong and principled way of being, can mask low self-esteem and a lack of trust in one’s self and a core guiding belief such as:

“I need to be perfect to be okay.”

For the word okay, you could substitute all manner of other words – loved, accepted, validated or good enough.

Whilst intellectually we can know that perfect can never exist, this does not stop us from constantly raising the bar, which means we can never be content with who and where we are in life. By seeking perfection in the outside world, we are on a hiding to nothing; our sense of self-worth will always be tied to something that is never really in our control or power to wholly influence.

Trusting in Yourself

I was recently reminded of the root meaning of the word confidence. The Latin word confidere means trust. So, a feeling of confidence is all about trust in oneself. So often, people come to me wanting to feel more confident in themselves, and our work together usually reveals a lack of trust in the many abilities and capabilities that they already have. This usually involves helping them close or even eliminate the gap between where they currently are and who they think they should, ought or must be to excel and succeed and experience a feeling of confidence. For me, confidence is a state of mind that comes from recognising we are always a work in progress and never the finished article.

As the pressure is released from the self-imposed expectations of who we think we should be, I see a far kinder and more compassionate relationship with self begins to emerge. This is also pertinent for those with a strong trait of hyper-achievement, where external success is a barometer of their self-worth, but like perfectionism, what we achieve will never be enough to make us feel enough.

This is where the paradox of change comes into play:

When I accept myself as I am, then I can change.

We cannot be perfect; we are not machines; we are humans. We have emotions, we make mistakes, and if we’re really honest, we are in far less control than our intellect would have us believe. Acceptance can create space for new possibilities for our growth and evolution. By decoupling our self-worth from our external achievements, we become freer and more natural.

For me, releasing self-imposed pressure can help us:

??????????????? Allow our natural and cultivated talents and gifts to emerge fully.

??????????????? Be more flexible and adaptable to what is being asked of us.

??????????????? Experiment with new ways of being in life and in leadership.

??????????????? To connect more authentically with those around us as we recognise and celebrate difference.

??????????????? Relax and enjoy the journey of life.

Returning to the example of the client putting themself under pressure, what was most heartwarming for me was not that they had secured the leadership position (and enjoyed the demanding interview/selection process). A whole new way of being emerged, where they can truly be themselves, leading from the heart, expressing their deepest values of kindness, valuing others and compassion.? Heart-centred excellence has become their North Star, and perfectionism has truly put in its place.

Thank you for reading.

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