Releasing Our Grip in the Best Laid Plans

Dr. Zan’s Thoughts and Reflections:

My calendar reminders continue to pop up with nudges to prepare for events that had been eagerly and joyfully anticipated but are now either postponed, on hold, or altogether cancelled. One might say that it would behoove me to take a few minutes and remove these items from my calendar. That way I would not experience the ongoing prompts to note losses as they accumulate. And perhaps, such action would make logical sense. However, losses are no less significant simply because they do not rise to our consciousness in such a visible fashion. These tugs on our hearts can happen with our mindful awareness or they can occur as more intangible, free floating bits of sadness, regret, angst, even general malaise. We may have the sense that something is off and dampened, but we are not bringing acknowledgement and skillful management to our experience, or in this case the lack of planned experience.

Depending on our sensibilities and our upbringings, it can be difficult to admit that we are struggling. So often we feel that our challenges, whatever they may entail, are not worthy of mention, much less a grief process. Yet, I cannot say this with enough certainty: right now is a time of collective grieving. We must stop comparing ourselves to others and striving to determine the worthiness of our losses. The loss of our way of life matters. The loss of physical affection matters. The loss of casual human interaction matters. The loss of the ability to make plans and have any expectation that we will be able to follow through--this matters too.

Likely, you have been in the position of trying to “put things into perspective” as a means of feeling less upset, less out of sorts, less overwhelmed by current circumstances. Yet, I suspect that you have noticed that a perspective shift can only last for so long. Eventually you are back to the realization that you have arrived in one of the inevitable moments of struggle. So the question becomes, how do I greet myself when I come face to face with the loss of something I was really looking forward to? Here are some tips I’m trying on for size.

1. Don’t pretend it was never supposed to happen. As humans we seek ritual. Celebrations of milestones and transitions are part of the rituals that we embrace. Even when we are happy to move on to something new, acknowledging where we have been is a sacred rite of passage. 

2. Say it aloud as much as you need to, until you feel a sense of completion. Acknowledging those plans that are not to be, at least not now, is important. There is nothing noble about suffering in silence, despite my parents’ fervent wish that I would learn to do so during my childhood. Oh well, let’s be honest, that wasn’t just a childhood thing! If you are trying to tell someone about your loss, and they are not willing to hear it, then please do not take this as an indication that you should be silent. Rather, find someone else who is able to listen. Sometimes, just speaking your truth aloud for yourself (even if you are the sole listener), is a worthwhile clarifying and validating task.

3. Practice getting comfortable with saying, “I don’t know.” When a much anticipated event does not occur, very loving and well-intentioned people in our lives naturally want to ask questions about what the alternative plan may be. Right now we do not and we cannot know. A useful exercise is to say these very true words aloud and let yourself see how they land. “I don’t know.” What feelings get prompted? Can we find peace in this reality--in the very uncertain here and the now? Can we utter these words in a gentle manner, for both ourselves and others who present the queries?

4. Find what matters now. When we only focus on, “I can’t wait until…” we expend valuable energy on the wish and the escape. Naturally, we all want to dream about what life will be like upon safe lifting of restrictions that limit our mobility and ability to gather publicly. However, finding meaning right now is how we can manage with more substance.

5. Do something but not everything. My initial temptation was to cope in true over-functioning fashion--creating a long list of the accomplishments that would be mine at the end of sheltering in place. This approach is fraught with so many issues that I am simply going to summarize as follows: Why create stress that needn’t exist?

So to borrow from folks who knew how to turn a phrase, Steinbeck and Burns, I leave you with the following: “The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. No matter how carefully a project is planned, something may still go wrong with it.” 

We couldn’t have anticipated the impact of life’s changing landscape that we are feeling right now, but we can choose to greet this moment and ourselves with acceptance and compassion.