Release your inner Elvis to feel better about your world

I feel so much better today, chase the bad things away - The Twang

This may not be the introduction you want to this article..... something will happen to you today, Something will happen to you tomorrow. And it's very likely that something happened to you yesterday. When I say 'something', I mean something shit. Those things that piss us off and happen most days including: -

• Your train is late
• You don't sleep well
• Your kid drops their full plate of food on the floor (the food you've just took an hour to prepare)
• You get a message from a person whom you can't be arsed dealing with
• The supermarket has run out of bog roll

Depending on what time of day you are reading this, some of the shit above might have already happened to you. They all happened to me in the past week!

Yet these things don't ruin our entire week or stay with us for very long do they? We move on, ready for the next shit thing to happen because 'that's life innit?'! Things that happen to us in 'real life' seem much easier to move on from, to feel better about than those things that happen to us in work and in particularly in the teams that we work in.

First world problems right?

"Problems are not problems, coping is the problem" - Virginia Satir

Now consider the type of shit that happens to us in work: -

• Someone was late for the meeting
• Someone didn't reply to your e-mail
• Someone looked at you in a particular way during the meeting
• Someone nicked your lunch from the fridge
• You didn't get the feedback you wanted
• Your ideas were ignored

The above list is literally to name but a few and it is likely that again all of the above have happened to you, or at least you perceived them to happen you, recently. Maybe even repeatedly.

I can remember each of the above happening to me. Or as a leader, I had them escalated to me. They are also prevalent in the stories that people tell me about their organisations and teams during the coaching sessions and learning experiences that I facilitate.

Take a step back and we can also see that the above are also very much first world problems. And should not be considered things that should stop us being effective and achieving our purpose.

So why do we allow the things that happen to us at work to linger and influence how we see the team that we are part of, setting our expectations for future interactions and outcomes?

There is a complete lack of congruence when it comes to how we respond to things that happen to us in our lives versus how we respond to things that happen to us in work. We find it easier to take control in our lives yet so many people, including leaders, still seem to be stuck in this limited mindset about the choices we can make in work.

"All we've got are the choices we make"

Take the shit above that happened to me in the past week. In the moment when they happen, man do they piss me off!

Yet very quickly, I can make myself feel better by choosing how I respond. For example: -

• My train was late - I went the pub for 20 minutes and caught the next one
• I didn't sleep well - got up early and go for a swim to raise my energy levels. And have an early night that night
• My kid drops their full plate of food on the floor - sigh, then laugh. And clean up then quickly make them a cheese butty that they would have prepared to have had for their tea anyway
• I get a message from a person whom I can't be arsed dealing with - politely reply and say now is not a good time
• The supermarket has run out of bog roll - go to the other supermarket on my way home and laugh at the ridiculous hysteria gripping the nation

Simple and effective responses that manage the anger / frustration I feel in the moment and make sure that I come out of them feeling better.

Most importantly, when shit like this is happening to me, I will make sure that I take the first and every opportunity to engage in things that I know make me feel better.... on the (late) train home, it was headphones in and read a book. With my kids, it was read them a bedtime story in stupid voices for the characters (I'm very good at a female Yorkshire accent by the way!) and for the exclusive bog roll, it was to NOT put a picture or post on social media bragging that I had found something that everyone else was after.

And perhaps most importantly, make sure that I always go back to what I know will make me feel better. For me, this is definitely listening to music and reading.

"It is important to be true to the instincts that make you, YOU, as opposed to anyone else" - Susan Scott

Contrast the above responses to the first world problems that have happened to me versus how I reacted when facing the shit that happens to us in our work teams: -

• Someone was late for the meeting - I judged them for this and told as many people as possible "can you believe X was late for that meeting?". Even calling them out for it in front of their colleagues sometimes before they could apologise and explain why they were late
• Someone didn't reply to my e-mail - I sent them another e-mail!
• Someone looked at me in a particular way during the meeting - I jumped to conclusions about what they were thinking about me, confronting them about this after the meeting. My assumptions damaging the important relationship that I had with this person
• Someone nicked my lunch from the fridge - I e-mailed everyone to tell them and refused to eat anything else instead
• I didn't get the feedback I wanted - I held it against my manager for not seeing things exactly as I see them and how I want them to see things
• My ideas were ignored - gave up

Being part of a team at work should feel like we're travelling downhill, swiftly working towards shared goals. Yet it often feels like we're climbing a mountain. Alone.

"Be together. Not the same"

I truly hope that when reading my responses to the shit that happened to me in work teams, you either laugh out loud or simply raise your palm to your forehead. Chances are; when reading some of them, you find yourself thinking 'I do that aswell'!

It's ok - so do millions of other people.

The secret here is that the incongruence between how we respond to the shit that happens to us in our lives and that what happens to us in work comes from us being our true authentic selves with people who know our true authentic selves.

Note - Don't worry - this isn't another one of those 'bring your whole selves to work' blogs so you can carry on reading.

What I'm talking about is when shit happens in your life, you will either be with the people who know your true authentic selves or will return home to them after you've finished dealing with the shit.

My wife and kids are totally cool if shorty after I come home, I want to stick on a vinyl record and read a chapter of a book. They even know that this is a sign that I might be dealing with some shit so they will come and ask me how my day was and do their best to bring me out of any shit-dealing related emotions.

Now put that into work context - imagine if after I had a particularly bad journey into the office, I arrived and said "before I do any work, I'm going to put my headphones in and read for a bit". This should be ok. The reality is (in my experience anyway), this would definitely not be ok and I would probably be accused of being a weirdo, lazy or not supporting my team!!

Think about the team you work in most frequently and ask how well you know each other and what you can do to help each other feel better when dealing with the shit in your organisation (it's ok - it goes on everywhere - because you work with people!)? Only by really getting to know each other, can we create the environment where people are not afraid to deal with the problems they face and make sure that transparency is evident.

Every team I work with always start by answering one question - 'What Do You Stand For?' to identify what their values and principles are. And no I categorically don't mean do they agree with the Organisation's Values!

By getting this out in the team, we can start to understand each other better and recognise why we all perceive and react to the same shit in different ways. How many times have you heard things like 'oh that doesn't bother me' or 'that really winds you up doesn't it?'. Everything that these kind of things are describing are when our values are broken by other people. By uncovering what we stand for, we are better prepared for and better supported to positively deal with the shit that work will throw at us.

"Values are like fingerprints. Nobody's are the same, but you leave 'em all over everything you do" - Elvis Presley

To demonstrate the value of a team knowing each other and supporting each other to best response to their world and feel better, I want you to use your imagination....

Imagine a team who have developed together to improve their engagement and productivity. A team who have faced up to the challenges they face and committed to having complete transparency in everything they do.

Imagine that this team has a leader who has completed the team development with them. Who role models the commitments that they demand from themselves and who has worked on raising their self-awareness to create an environment for empowerment where everyone is encouraged to develop and apply their Emotional Intelligence.

Imagine a team that at 3pm every Friday, choose a song at random and play it loud in the office. The song being chosen at random from a playlist that the team has created including everyone's favourite song, a song that inspires them, a song that represents them or just a song that they love right now. This happens every Friday including people joining remotely via FaceTime etc if they are not in the office..... 3pm. Every. Friday.

Sounds good doesn't it? Maybe even too good! Yet your imagination has just created a picture for you of a team that truly exists and has THAT level of self-awareness. I know, because I have worked with them. And it is as good as it sounds.

This team didn't start like this, they committed to developing as a team and held themselves and each other accountable for creating the environment that they all wanted to work in. And it is ongoing.

The 3pm Friday song is something they created to remind themselves of what they wanted and what they committed to. And it happens without fail. A lot of other people in the business think they're mad. They don't care! Those same people also admire them and question how they perform so well and have the level of engagement that they have.

What can you do to commit to you and your team and maintain that level of engagement? A song might not be for you. And clearly I am biased because I love music. However, I also love a team that has created so much transparency that every Friday, they stop what they're doing and are prepared to dance, sing and even cry in front of each other.... no wonder they are so adept at dealing with their shit and making themselves and each other feel better.... sounds like a good place to me. #ITALWAYSSTARTSWITHYOU

"People are people. Not titles" - Kimberley Davis

One of the huge benefits of consciously creating opportunities to feel better and tap into what inspires you and creates engagement is that it helps to break down the rules that we impose on ourselves which don't actually exist.

We humans find it easy to respond negatively to the world around us. Our brains are programmed for survival and fear drives the actions we take to survive. The way we remember and recall things means that we impose rules on ourselves that don't actually exist.

Think about the people in my examples above - the person who persistently sent e-mails to will remember me as the person who couldn't take a hint and who avoided face-to-face communication. The person who about whom I jumped to conclusions, will remember me as the person who judged them just for looking at me with a facial expression they weren't even aware that they were pulling!

These interactions will likely have led to them to imposing rules on themselves about me and our relationships: -

Next time I have to e-mail Tim, I will have to cc his boss

I can't look at Tim in future meetings

Both ridiculous 'rules' that were created by how I behaved towards them. I take full responsibility for that now, if only I had done at the time! What looking back at this has also taught me is that I definitely wasn't doing enough to make myself feel better and this played out in my interactions with others as I behaved in a way that doesn't align with what I stand for.

I can also clearly see that I was giving a fxxk (the x's are for my mother's benefit - I'm 39 and still getting told off for swearing!) about the wrong things. We're all aware of the modern trend of highlighting how we can be more effective by what we give a fxxk about or teaching us to give less fxxks.

Sarah Knight and Mark Manson are two of my heroes (seriously, you NEED to read their books) and this concept of 'giving a fxxk' is something that we can all understand and relate to. I want to challenge our thinking with this and instead of working on not giving a fxxk about the things that don't matter. Instead focus on what we should be giving a fxxk about.

Get a picture in your mind of people who you admire....actually see them in your mind and remind yourself of why you admire them.... there they are: -

The smart, the effective, the loving, the cool, the intelligent, the funny, the caring and the inspirational people that we admire.

I am happy to wager a guess that the one thing that they all have in common is that they have something about them. And that something is their ability to give a fxxk about the things that matter; the things that make them effective.

That 'something about them' is an innate quality to live up to what they stand for. Regardless of talent, success or power, the people we admire will all, either obviously or subtle, consistently demonstrate what they stand for through their actions and behaviour. And of course, what they stand for is what attracts us to them in the first place.

The truth here is that we all have that something about us. We have the ability to choose to live up to what we stand for and make ourselves feel better to be engaged and have a positive influence on ourselves and others.

This is what makes it feel like a team is all moving in the same direction. Joined together striving for the same goal and to achieve self-actualisation from the achievement of that goal by living up to what we stand for.

Working in a team shouldn't feel like climbing a mountain alone. It should feel like the fussball team - all facing in the same direction, each individual moving at the same time in the same direction as everyone else and all only giving a fxxk about doing what is right for the team.

"You don't have to be that good. As long as you've got something about you, you'll go a long way" - Liam Gallagher

A simple way to apply your 'something about you' and focus on making yourself feel better and not slipping into the rules is to channel your inner Elvis.

For those of you who don't know (I mean seriously, if this actually applies to anyone, what the fuck (this deserves the fuck in all its glory) are you doing with your life?!!!), when say your inner Elvis, I am of course referring to the King of Rock n Roll - Elvis Presley.

Why Elvis?..how long have you got?: -

Not only was he the master of Taking Care of Business, he changed everything. And I mean everything!

Without Elvis, we wouldn't have The Beatles (stop and imagine the world without The Beatles - frightening), we wouldn't have The Rolling Stones, we wouldn't have Northern Soul, we wouldn't have Hip-Hop (not my thing but Hip-Hop changed the world), we wouldn't have had Britpop, we wouldn't have pretty much any modern artist that you're in to. The world just wouldn't be the joyous place that it actually is with Elvis Presley. ELVIS CHANGED EVERYTHING.

More than even that... your inner Elvis releases the version of you that spreads joy and does the things you do because of your love for it and your desire to share happiness with everyone you interact with.

Elvis became The King of Rock n Roll because of his love of music, Gospel in particular, and he wanted to share that love with as many people as possible. Elvis wasn't afraid to take risks and change the status quo; singing like no-one else had sung before him, playing with a band playing like no-one had ever played before. And of course, dancing like no-one else had ever danced before. Not to mention pretty much single-handedly inventing Cool.

Elvis is The King because everything he did came from the desire to live up to what he stood for and share his love and inspiration to make people feel better.

Thats what drives engagement. That's what gets results. That's what makes us feel better. That's what saves us from giving up and imposing rules on ourselves that don't exist. That's what makes us switch off auto-pilot and live our lives in manual where we are on control and choose how to respond to the world around us.

That's your inner Elvis - make positive choices to share your inspiration and make everyone feel that something about you.

"I'd rather be weird than normal; how boring would that be?" - Gavin Oattes

Let's finish on a practical tip that can release your inner Elvis and help you to choose how you think about something. That something is the humble Smartphone.

What do you think of when you think about your Smartphone? If you're like most people, your response includes all of or some of: -

• My e-mails
• My Apps
• My games
• Social media
• Phone calls
• My calendar
• My bank

I asked someone this recently and they articulated it brilliantly .... "it makes me think about my boss ringing me at night and weekends, how busy I am and how overdrawn I am"!!!

This thing that we pretty much run our lives with these days prompts negative, or let's face it - boring, thoughts for us. So, I want you to change how you think about your smartphone and consider how it can be used to inspire you. When I think of my smartphone, I think of: -

• Pictures of my kids
• WhatsApp messages from my wife showing me what Dusty the cat has been up to today
• All of my music. Literally, any song I want - it's there. Including playlists curated by me
• Enthuse. I have a little cluster of Apps titled 'Enthuse' to remind me why I open my e-mails
• My network
• The thing that gets me to my destination on my travels
• Something I decide when to switch on and switch off

Perhaps my own response to being asked what I think of my smartphone best explains it....."I've got Elvis Presley and The Beatles in my arse pocket".

We can find inspiration and positivity in the things we do and 'use' every day.... the only thing we are 100% in control of is how we respond to our thoughts.

You Always Have A Choice. How can you change your thinking to feel better?

"Nobody wants to be stuck in a business doing work they hate and don't believe in. Nobody wants to feel like they can't say what they really mean. Yet people choose these things... All the time" - Mark Manson.

The Challenge Is The Opportunity - #ITALWAYSSTARTSWITHYOU

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