Relearning Success – From Perfect to Purpose

For years, I believed that success in corporate America meant being the "perfect" employee. To me, “perfect” meant being precise, hardworking, and never making a mistake. Early in my career, this formula worked great. I showed up on time, followed orders to the letter, executed tasks with minimal supervision, and quickly earned promotions and recognition because I thrived within these clear boundaries.

But as I climbed higher, the landscape shifted which challenged my self-belief and then caused an increase in my anxiety, fear, and self-doubt. Gone were the days of clear instructions; now I faced a swirling sea of ambiguity, complex problems, and decision-making without a direct roadmap. As an Army veteran and former federal employee, my comfort and strength was in respecting authority and executing precise plans. Suddenly, creativity, innovation, and a comfort with uncertainty were the new currencies. I felt completely out of my element.

As the years passed and then pivoting to working in tech, my confidence was constantly tested. My heart would race during weekly business reviews, dreading questions that would expose gaps in my data. During operations planning calls, I braced myself for callouts from leaders. Despite being the first to the office and the last to leave, I was no longer achieving “perfect” results. Each week brought at least one result that needed an explanation, making me feel like a failure all over again.

Unsustainable Path

And as much as I wanted to quit, I couldn’t quit. I wouldn’t allow myself to do that as that was worse than being a failure. I was convinced that there must be a process, a secret formula that if I discovered, I could guarantee perfect results. I had been trained to follow processes and orders, so I sought out my peers’ best practices and routines, read up on frameworks, and tried to integrate them into my work. I spent hours searching for a repeatable process that would deliver flawless outcomes. Yet, nothing seemed to work.

By June 2021, despite what my résumé might say – Army veteran, starting my fifth year at Amazon, an MBA grad, and an incoming graduate student in the 2022 MSIS program at UW – I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. My internal dialogue was filled with fear and self-doubt. I was the walking, talking embodiment of “Imposter Syndrome.”

And eventually, I reached a breaking point. I no longer felt like an imposter, I was convinced that I was an imposter and at any day, I would be exposed as a fraud. Anxiety led to sleepless nights and even panic attacks. I made the decision to leave Amazon, believing that a fresh start would free me from this constant pressure. I hoped that a new job would help me escape the overwhelming burden of feeling like a phony and allow me to reclaim a sense of control over my career and life.

Turning Point

But starting fresh wasn’t the solution I hoped it would be. In Aug 2021, even though I had joined a new company, Splunk, and I was doing well in my grad program, the anxiety and fear followed me. Despite these new environments, my self-doubt lingered, and I was still questioning whether I should continue this path. And in a move that was very unlike me, I signed up for Splunk’s employee mentoring program, thinking, “What do I have to lose?”

In January 2022, I received an email pairing me with a mentor named Bonnie R. I joined our first virtual meeting expecting the usual corporate mentoring experience – setting career goals and discussing where I saw myself in five years. I was prepared with the standard answers: “I want to make the company successful,” “I want to be a team player,” “I see myself growing here.”

But Bonnie did not let me hide behind those empty words. She gently pushed past the surface and subtly steered the conversation to deeper questions: “What are your strengths?” and “What are your values?”

At first, I tried to steer the conversation back to my rehearsed corporate talking points, saying things like "I want to broaden my scope," "grow my responsibilities," and "lead a team." But Bonnie kept probing, and her curiosity eventually forced me to face an uncomfortable truth: I was hiding behind corporate jargon because I was terrified of failure. My fixation with perfection was a shield against being seen as incompetent.

Reprogramming my Definition

As I started to confront the truth about my narrow definition of success, there was a pivotal moment in one of my mentoring sessions where I decided to be honest. I admitted, “What truly drives me at work isn’t the projects or the products—it’s helping the people I work with achieve their goals and realize their potential.”

The moment I said it, a weight lifted off my chest. For the first time, I felt a sense of clarity and empowerment to reject my old definition of success: I realized that my need for perfection stemmed from a belief that success equated to external validation – promotions, new roles, and praise from higher-ups. And I had convinced myself that my own self-worth was tied to this constant recognition. This belief trapped me in a cycle where I was chasing quick wins and external validation that brought temporary satisfaction but left me feeling empty and unfulfilled.

Recognizing this truth opened my eyes to a different path. Success didn’t have to mean I needed constant external validation and had to be perfect; it could mean being authentic, embracing uncertainty, and finding value in myself and within the journey itself. My true fulfillment at work came from aligning my responsibilities with my core values of helping others grow and succeed. With this newfound understanding, I finally saw a way forward that felt genuine and meaningful to me.

Redefining Success

After that breakthrough, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery. This journey was not easy. It required unlearning years of ingrained habits and beliefs. The first belief I had to change was the belief that I could tell myself I was valued and appreciated and not through someone else’s validation. The next one was allowing myself to recognize my accomplishments were my successes, not just the ones I hoped to get in the future.

Furthermore, I began to see how my old process-aligned success patterns – awaiting and following orders, avoiding risks, chasing mistake-free results and seeking approval – were no longer serving me. I began to create new patterns that aligned with my new definition of success. I learned to speak up in meetings, share my ideas without fear, and embrace that learning is more valuable than executing a perfect process.

Today, my definition of success is when results align with my values, strengths and passions: building collaborative teams, creating solutions together, and learning as we go. And now I work within my boundaries and my newfound definition of success, free from the fear of being “found out” as an imposter.

What is Your Success?

While this story is about my journey, if you have been thinking or feeling some of the thoughts I shared, I hope you start being curious about your definition of success. And if you are open to this, I challenge you to redefine success on your own terms. Step away from the fear of being "found out" or receiving your value from other people and lean into the courage of finding yourself. If you have felt trapped by external validation, weighed down by fear of failure, or exhausted by the constant pressure to be perfect, I hope you take a moment to pause and ask yourself: “Whose definition of success is running my life? Is it truly mine?”

Once I was able to center my success around my beliefs and values, I can honestly say I’m excited for where my career will take me. This shift has transformed my career because I am working for my own definition of success. I hope you’ll give it a try! The gift to myself is discovering my own worth, and you’re worth it too.