Relearning to cry

Lost gift

In an age where emotional resilience is often equated with stoicism, the act of crying might seem like an archaic, almost forgotten language of vulnerability.

Yet, beneath the surface of our modern discomfort with tears lies one of nature's most sophisticated mechanisms for emotional and physical regulation.

This article aims to explore the underestimated power of tears, advocating for a reevaluation of crying as not just a release, but as a vital component of emotional health and resilience.

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The physiology of tears: a reset button

Crying is not merely an emotional outburst but a complex, physiological reset button that impacts our nervous system.

When we allow ourselves the vulnerability of a genuine cry, we activate the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), responsible for calming the body and returning it to a state of balance.

This activation initiates a cascade of benefits, from slowing the heart rate to stimulating the release of oxytocin and endorphins, which are chemicals that alleviate pain and give us an immediate sense of relief and lightness.

Moreover, crying serves as a form of detoxification, expelling stress hormones like cortisol from the body, and facilitating a unique form of emotional catharsis.

The physical act of crying, through sobbing, affects our breathing patterns, encouraging deeper breaths that can increase oxygen levels in the blood, further promoting a state of relaxation.

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How DID we cry?

We’ve all cried as babies deeply, openly, organically.

Have you seen a crying baby?

It's not just about the tears rolling down; it's a whole-body experience. Babies don't just use their tear glands and the muscles around their eyes.

Their entire body gets into it: the diaphragm, the muscles between the ribs, and those around the abdomen work in concert to control breathing, leading to those sharp intakes of breath and the powerful releases.

It's not just there; the throat muscles, vocal cords, and even the facial muscles around the eyes, forehead, eyebrows, mouth, and cheeks all play a part.

When babies cry, it's with everything they've got. Their bodies contract and release, they shiver and shake as they sob. It's a full-on, total-body experience that...

...we somehow lose as we grow older.

How did we learn NOT to cry?

Imagine:

a)? You cry your lungs out because you can’t sleep and your parents don’t respond. You cry more and more intensely until you fall asleep exhausted. After a few nights, babies learn that “there’s no one to respond to their needs”, so their brilliant mind prevents them from crying because it takes too much energy but is not effective.

b)??You’re a toddler and you cry because something happened – you are in physical or emotional pain and you hear “don’t cry, you’re such a big boy”. Your brilliant mind learns “Crying is not accepted, I am not accepted when I cry”. So you learn to cry less.

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c)??You’re at school and you experience a failure, a humiliation, a rejection and when tears roll down your face kids laugh even louder. Your brilliant mind learns “crying is being weak, it hurts double to cry”. So you learn to control it.

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Regardless of the age and our conscious thought process (or lack of it) the physiological mechanism is similar: we block, we hold back.

We flex our muscles. Our throats, our jaws, our necks, our stomachs, our chests (we hold breath)... We hold in.

We hold in the pain.

So, we don’t cry, but the pain stays inside us.

And we just keep adding.

When I learn to hold back my crying I also learn:

-?I am not appreciated, supported, accepted, or loved when I cry.

- I am not appreciated, supported, accepted, or loved when I am vulnerable

- I am not appreciated, supported, accepted, or loved when I am in pain (because we cry when we are in pain).

I am not accepted with pain.

How painful is that?

The Social Language of Tears

Crying also serves as a social regulating mechanism:

• signaling to others in our social network that we need support,

• thereby strengthening social bonds and eliciting empathy and assistance from those around us.
• This social aspect of crying can further enhance our emotional wellbeing by making us feel connected and supported.

And by not allowing ourselves to cry, by learning to control how we express emotions we are taking away the most powerful physiological regulation mechanism and one of the most powerful social regulating mechanisms, what are we left with?

Pain in the stomach, pain in the chest, pain in the throat, pain in the heart, pain...

Physical and emotional.

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We sometimes call it depression.

Sometimes psychosomatic issues.

Sometimes grief, and sometimes addiction…

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Pain has many names and symptoms.

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What to do when somebody cries?

Don’t shush them, don’t tell them it’s ok, because it is not.

Be by their side.

If you need to tell something tell them: I am here, by your side.

Show them through your presence and your words that:

• You value and support them, also with tears.
• You embrace and accept them in their vulnerability.
• You are there for them, especially in their moments of pain.

This is the essence of what Janis Joplin captured in her soul-stirring rendition of "Cry Baby" - a call to be present, to embrace and to love someone through their tears, without reservation.

Embracing tears as a pathway to healing

Recognizing the need to cry and allowing oneself the space and acceptance to do so can be transformative. It is not just about facing one's emotions but about embracing the full spectrum of human experience.

Crying, in its purest form, is a reflection of our capacity to feel deeply, to heal, and to connect with the essence of what it means to be human.