Relaxation Guilt

Today I want to talk about a phenomenon that I've experienced a lot over the last couple of years. Relaxation guilt.

This is feeling guilty that you're relaxing and not working. Have you had it?

As a business owner and leader, the pressure is always on to work, work and work a bit more. There is always something to do. There are rare occasions when you get through your to do list quicker than expected...but then you feel like you should work on something creative and extra to make the most of your time.

Gradually, tiredness creeps in and you know you should rest. You read endless advice and self help articles that say that resting is good. So, you pencil in some time to relax. But then what happens? You don't relax. You can't relax. When you try, you're struck by a feeling that you should be doing something. You should be being productive rather than just sitting around watching Netflix. You're hit with Relaxation Guilt.

Quite contrary to the self help advice telling us to rest, how many times a day do you see something that has the "average people" on the left, watching Netflix and the "super, amazing business winner" on the right side always "hustling".

Every day, you're hit with contradictory messages telling you to rest to be most productive, but also that you'll never get anywhere without hustling.

Now, maybe it's my already anxious mind that ends up getting into a mess with this, but I'm guessing there are other people out there who are nodding along with this. If this sounds familiar, you may not have realised, but you're suffering from Relaxation Guilt. And it won't go away unless you work on it and face up to it.

I guess it was probably a couple of years ago that I realised this was a problem. I've always worked hard. In hindsight, I've probably been guilty of working harder not smarter on a lot of occasions. For years I managed this, but it took its toll. Tiredness, fatigue, deep sadness and a lack of motivation were becoming more frequent.

I knew I needed to rest and change how I was working. So I started scheduling in regular rest times. But this is when the Relaxation Guilt really hit. I could not relax. I would sit and watch Netflix for 20 minutes, or sit in the sun for 15 minutes (in fairness living in the North of England that was usually all there was) and then be so wracked with the feeling that I should be doing something more productive, that I gave up and went back to work.

In theory, a short break of 20 minutes could have been refreshing, but it wasn't, because I hadn't relaxed and switched off for 20 minutes, I had just beaten myself up for not doing more, not "hustling" for 20 minutes before giving in and going back to it.

So, I couldn't keep working as I was, but I couldn't just relax. What to do?

What I realised was that I was trying to go from one extreme to the other. I was working really hard and then trying to relax in a way that meant I was doing absolutely nothing. It wasn't working. So, I started to experiment with different ways to relax. Gradually, I found that I actually needed to be doing something to relax at all.

What I realised was that I was beating myself up for not doing anything. I saw sitting doing nothing as being unproductive and at odds to everything I was trying to do. So I started doing Lego, making shelves, even making flat pack furniture. That way, my mind was occupied by doing something and so I conned my brain into thinking I was being productive. But I was starting to feel like at times during these activities, I was actually relaxing. I felt refreshed after doing an hour of Lego (I am a real grown up I promise). Effectively what I found was that by making something following instructions, my brain was soothed into relaxation, rather than fired into anxiety about not doing something I should.

Since then I have continued to work on Relaxaction as I call it...doing something to relax. Too many people misunderstand and feel like they should do nothing to relax. I'm quite sure that for some people, this does work. But if you're finding that you can't relax doing the "normal" things, then try doing something. Adult colouring books, Lego, Ikea furniture (a lot of people definitely won't find this relaxing but I do...let me know if you want me to come round and make some drawers!), painting, playing an instrument, doing exercise...turns out the list is extensive.

Did you read my last article about the revelation that happy people aren't always happy. Lots of people will have read it and thought, "Well yeah, that's obvious" Those people, had never struggled with that misconception. In the same way here, people who are reading this and thinking "well yes, obviously, that's why I play a musical instrument" have perhaps never suffered from a misunderstanding of what relaxation has to be.

But, if you've been nodding along, then the chances are. 1. you're suffering from Relaxation Guilt. and 2. You've not found the right way to relax for you. Keep searching, there is something that will help you get over the guilt and feel relaxed.

So there are some key things I'd love for people to take away from this.

Firstly, if you're feeling guilty about relaxing, you have Relaxation Guilt. It's a thing that lots of people feel. You can get over it, but you have to work on it, it won't just happen.

Secondly, we need to relax. Endlessly "hustling" (Argh I hate that word) is nonsense. You can keep working endlessly, but gradually you go from hustling, to working hard, to working, to working totally ineffectively. You need to rest to be your best (how's that for an inspirational quote?!)

Thirdly, I, and I'm guessing lots of you will have a warped idea of what relaxation should look like. It doesn't have to be watching TV or doing nothing (though it might be). Find something that isn't your work that afterwards you realise you A. Enjoyed it, B didn't think about work and C. Feel refreshed for doing it. If you get all three, then you've found your relaxaction of choice.

A final point. We have to work on our ability to relax, just like we do on any other skill. To some it will sound crazy that we need to practice relaxing. To the anxious, stressed and tired, it will sound impossible. But it is totally possible. Because I celebrated my relaxaction, embraced it, and practiced it, I can now sit and watch Netflix for a couple of hours and feel refreshed with only a very mild and very occasional tinge of Relaxation Guilt.

Now I've learned how to relax, I'm infinitely more effective in my work...turns out I can "hustle" again!!! Now go and hustle to find your relaxaction!

If you liked this article and it resonated with you, please comment, like and share it for more people to see it. Feel free to message me on here if you don't want to make a public comment.

Lastly, follow the hashtag #theanxiousleader for more of my ramblings.