Relationships and you

What is your view on intimate relationships? Are you happy “playing the field”, sticking with NSA? Or would you like a relationship and don’t have one? Without a relationship, often we can experience the feeling that we have somehow failed. Society’s conditioning suggests that we are not whole without “another half” to complete us. To uncover your attitude to this topic, it is important to check in with your motivation for finding a partner, or not as the case maybe.

The key to increased clarity and self awareness is to look at what is underneath your answer to this question. Are you fearful of commitment, of the limitations you see this placing upon your freedom? Or are you so set on finding “the one” that you can come on too strong and appear needy, even desperate? Clearly, these are just some of the possible options. Many more exist in between these extremes. Take a moment to reflect on where you find yourself on this scale.

The cartoon strip shows Vincent and Thiago in a bar. Vincent is upset at the failure of another relationship, this time with Joe. In spite of trying hard, it didn’t work out. Again. Thiago rightly suggests that if it feels too much of an effort, this may indicate he is trying to form a relationship with someone who is too different. It can be difficult to bridge the gap, becoming almost impossible to find the common ground. Chameleon like, you make ever more desperate attempts to “fit in” with your partner’s likes. Over time, you lose the sense of yourself.

Try this. What are your relationship strengths? What would you bring to the partnership and what might be complementary from the significant other? Where I have seen relationships work, each partner accepts the other for who they are, not who they would like them to be. Each has certain areas where they excel. Whether that be the organising of holidays or the division of the domestic chores, respecting each others’ strengths and allowing room for each to shine and have their moment is instrumental in forming a strong bond of mutual acceptance and admiration.

Throughout any relationship, there will be moments of vulnerability. How do you choose to show up? What do you reveal of yourself and when? After the initial lustre wears off, how do you deal with the differences you start to see in each other? Each of these “events” represents an opportunity to grow closer together or farther apart. I invite you to reflect on your dating history to see how you have tended to react in such situations. Perhaps herein lies the opportunity to make better decisions next time around?

Recently, I had my own experience of exploring a potential new relationship. Away from the hustle and bustle of London, I met someone that seemed to be a good match. Articulate, grounded and handsome into the bargain, I was able to connect without all the distractions or work and domestic life. This led to me showing up in a way that whilst authentic to that time and place, was not necessarily indicative of my life back home. Upon returning to London, I soon found myself struggling to maintain the momentum. I realised that I feel that I “should” have a relationship and yet that I simply do not have the time at present to commit to making this a reality. What did I learn? That I am not truly available. Are you?

Whatever this blog throws up for you is as it is supposed to be. There are no right or wrong answers. It is intended as a check-in to be clear about where you find yourself in this moment. Whatever you find, it does not mean that you will stay here forever. It is simply an opportunity for honest self evaluation. Choose what is right for you and you are likely to feel less pressured and happier. Try it and let me know!

I’ll be back in two weeks with the next instalment. Until then, go well.

Craig