Relationships - Simply complex game

Often we come across moments where we experience that the relationship with a person is going through a patchy phase or there's a disconnect, a disagreement, a conflict, a misunderstanding, an anger, sometimes a suppression. There are enough reasons to prove how 'wrong' the other person is and how 'right' you are due to which things aren't working out.

And then there are also examples of strong bonds that are so unshakable no matter how difficult the times are or how unreasonable the other person is.

Makes me wonder if relationship is actually a function of two persons or the circumstances. I believe it's none of them and rather the fate of the relationship is in the hands of only one person and that's YOU alone

I don't know if my point is right or wrong but I have a litmus test that I apply in life to assess my role and the strength of the relationship…and that test is my 'Response' to the situation

I will make an attempt to share my weird way to measuring my commitment in a relationship with anyone in my life irrespective of their role in equation:

1. Be a mirror – This is like my response to your action is like a mirror that reflects everything I get from you. It's like - You are nice to me, I am nice to you; You give me a cold vibe, I give you a cold vibe, You are angry with me, I am angry with you. It's like a ping-pong game or a table tennis game where I am returning the same emotions as I am getting from you. Doesn't it happen to us sometimes with some people J

To me this is the weakest form of my relationship because I have left the strength of our bonding 100% upon you, your behavior, your actions and I give you back in exactly the same manner or perhaps in more extreme form either ways

2. Be a blotting paper – This is like no matter whatever happens between us, I'd absorb but wouldn't give it back as I value the other person more than the disappointment with him/her. This is certainly stronger than the above one as I am committed towards the relationship and not being driven by an incident. But I still suffer inside for the things I am not comfortable with but choose not to express.

3. Be a Transformer – This is my favorite and best one and perhaps I can best express this via the Parent & Kid relationship. I sometimes see my 5 year old son so angry with his mom and does all the idiotic things to express his anger. At that time, the response of the mother is neither to reflect back, nor to absorb and sulk inside but rather to transform the situation and the mood to another level altogether so that the incident becomes insignificant for the kid. As my favorite SRK also said something like this in Kal Ho Na Ho for all mothers that 'Bhagwan inhe Dimaag ki jagah par do Dil de deta hai' 

...and this is the most unconditional form of relationship that we all have as this is above all expectations, all misunderstanding, all conditions and the strength of the relationship is 100% with me not the other person no matter what on earth may happen between us. This is a relationship where the focus is on bringing back the person and I take the responsibility for the same with my action and very high positive bent of mind. There is no or low expectation of change for the other person.

It's not about any one form is good or bad and we all have a combination of all above relationships in our personal and professional lives. 

The important thing to note is that it's 100% YOU who's owning the relationship, it's you who has the power to decide what role you are playing and what shapes you want to give to the million relationships around you. 

So the next time, something goes wrong in a relationship, do a little bit of introspection, chose your role, and come of the situation happily and feeling empowered :)

Regards,

Vinkal