Relationships

I am #woman, #mother, #wife, #daughter, #mentor, #lifecoach , #entrepreneur #globalcitizen and fearfully and wonderfully made. Like most people I am concerned about the world we have created and I am particularly concerned about how we relate to our partners. As we near the end of a month of celebration of #womanhood in South Africa. I am compelled to share my thoughts on how we cultivate a healthy relationship with our partners despite all the ills we face each day in Society.

My husband and I have been married for 33 years.?It has been an amazing journey. Some days, months and years have been incredibly good and some have been a series of rude awakenings, loss and lack.?

In all of this, we have raised four magnificent children. Three millennials and one generation Z who all think outside of the box. They challenge the status quo, and they constantly make us reflect and change our thinking and our actions regarding gender, sexuality, relationships, careers, the list is endless.

The one area that we often discuss is the area of relationships. As a couple who have been together for 35 years (33 of those as a married couple), our deepest desire is for our children to find the right partners, settle down and enjoy the kind of happiness we have experienced. But when we talk to our daughters the sentiment they share is that they do not believe they will ever experience the kind of marriage we have. They do not believe there are men out there like their father. They do not believe there is much honour, goodness or faithfulness in the men they meet today. By the same token their brother believes women are not much better. He is young yet he has seen more than most young men his age did in our generation, thanks to social media.

I was frustrated because they see a perfect relationship, a perfect father, and as a result all other men in their world pale in comparison. My son who is young and finding his own way in the world is not far from their thinking. I shared this with a dear friend, EileenEpperson, and she gave me clarity. She said, “Millie, your children are seeing the positive manifestation of years of work. You have built a relationship that has taken years to cultivate and what your children don’t realise is that where you are, did not happen overnight”.?Wow, that was a revelation for me.?

It has made it easier for me to engage with my children and to share some of the not-so-pretty aspects of my marriage with them. I do this so that they can see that marriage is truly a labour of love, but above all a preparation towards living in authenticity, transparency and honesty. I impress upon them the importance of being patient, being kind and knowing when to forgive.?These are the cornerstones that have enabled my husband and I to stay together, love each other and be there for each other even when the sky seems to be falling.

So if you are embarking on a marriage or a long term relationship and you are fearful, hesitant and thinking “will it work”, here are a few things that I have done to ensure my 33 years of marriage is not filled with regret:

1. Never losing sight of why I said yes to my husband in the first place
2. Acts of kindness: When he complains that he can never find his socks, or his socks have holes in them and he doesn’t understand why, don’t make a big deal out of it. Go and buy him a pack of socks. Over the years I have noticed that the girls wear his socks too and sometimes, even their friends have done the same.
3. Take genuine interest in his work: Many years ago, my husband was in a very high-pressured job, and he travelled a lot. He was also responsible for a hefty chunk of the company’s annual revenue.?Whilst he was supposed to focus on the big deals, he chased even the small deals to ensure they met their quarterly targets. At times he would come home tired, and I would know it was going to be a tough month. I would ask “how are we doing with our target this month?” Those few words made us partners in his work, and I was able to do my part by ensuring our children were safe and that when he came home there was harmony.?He also took deep interest in my work, and we would spend many hours strategizing and sharing.
4. ?It doesn’t matter who is bringing in more: We have always lived as one when it comes to money, there is not “his money” or “my money”. I remember when I was planning his surprise 50th birthday party and I paid the deposit for the venue, I just prayed he would not notice because we have access to each other’s accounts ??
5. Be the first to share your mess: When you get into a messy situation outside, be the first to own up. Never let someone else tell your story.?Even my children know that all there is to know about me, is freely available to them.
6. Dream together: Share your hopes and dreams and plan for the achievement of those dreams together. Constantly be in a place of creating the future TOGETHER.
7. Try not to go to bed angry: I say try because sometimes as humans our emotions get the better of us. One thing my husband is really good at (I am a bit proud), is that no matter what happens he will hold me in bed. It is truly difficult to sleep angry when you are being held.

I would love to hear from you. I don't believe I have all the answers and I am open to gaining new insights. And so:

1. How do you cultivate a healthy relationship even in the face of challenges?
2. What makes your relationship work?
3. What do your children see when they look at you and your partner?

Have an awesome Sunday as you pause and reflect on who you are and who you want to be in your relationship.?