Relationships are meant to be fulfilling! Does it make you wonder what you are missing?

‘Relationships are hard’. That was the headline of an advert for an online therapy firm that popped up on my Facebook feed yesterday. Weird, but not surprising to see it in my Facebook feed. Perhaps Facebook figured I’d been watching a BBC show called couples' therapy and tried doing some related adverts to see if I might be seeking something like that in terms of service. Well, not a relevant advert for me as I have been watching the show from the perspective of a coach. I absolutely love the work that the therapist in this show is doing with real-life couples. It’s a fantastic watch for someone who is learning about the tools and techniques often used in psychotherapy; the power of silence and the strength of insightful questions.?

But coming back to the tagline about how relationships are hard, I don’t agree with that statement. Relationships aren’t hard but it’s the people in relationships that make them hard or easy. We as people define and shape our relationships, we make them hard, we make them easy. We as people make our relationships lifeless and we make them joyful. We as people make relationships muted and we make them engaged. We, all of us, make relationships what they are. Sometimes relationships give us the space to feel the way we want to feel and, in such relationships, we find a sense of belonging, we feel like we matter. On the other hand, there are relationships that sometimes suck all our energy and leave us feeling exhausted.???

So, what really makes relationships fulfilling or painful? It must be something around the ease with which we relate to other people. I believe when we relate to someone at a deep level, a connection is automatically forged. So, it’s not the relationship that is hard, it is the ability to create a connection. And we all know, that creating a connection goes way beyond adding someone as a friend on Facebook or following someone on Instagram. A connection is shaped by one’s presence. A connection is built when you give another person your full attention. That person could be a partner, it could be a client, it could be a friend or it could be your child. But in each of those relationships, it is the fullness of our presence that truly defines the strength of our connection.???

Sounds simple, right? Of course, we are present with all these people who matter to us. Our partner, our client, our child, our friend. But are we all fully present when we are with them? Where’s our mind wandering when this connection of ours is speaking with us??

Complete presence is hard because it requires us to be emotionally and mentally fully present with another person. Let’s think of some examples of a deep connection you may have experienced. Think about a time when you felt deeply understood by someone. Like you almost got the feeling that it’s so easy to be with this person because it felt so natural. It is when you feel you can bring your whole self to a conversation and every part of your existence feels safe, in the presence of another person who makes you feel you are seen, heard and valued.???

If you have been able to think of someone who made you feel that way, you may feel grateful to have someone in your life who really understands you. And be honest with yourself if it’s been hard for you to remember feeling that way in the recent past. You’d be surprised to hear you are not alone in struggling to remember that deep sense of connection with someone. The lack of connection is a commonly experienced phenomenon. But what’s slightly sad is that a lot of people simply have no time to go deeper so instead, they just get on with their lives and live with dull relationships day after day.

It's often seen in the form of disengagement at work where several employees just go from one meeting to another and they feel like time drags; days are filled meaninglessly and when they get home, they are looking for a connection or they just feel like sharing what a dull day it was, but when they share their feelings of discontent in the expectation that their partner would understand what they are saying; often their thoughts are interrupted. I’ve often heard people say that they feel like they are sharing what’s on their minds but they still feel they are hardly ever understood, and so the cycle continues. Sometimes when spending time alone, people wonder what they are searching for! A lot of people don’t quite know what is missing but they know they feel unhappy either at work or at home or sometimes both at work and home.??

For a lot of people, it can feel lonely even when they are with another person sitting right across from them at the dinner table. Or the feeling of boredom in those work meetings where you feel like holding yourself back from sharing what you seriously think because you won’t be heard anyway. It might still be a functional relationship but the truth is if you got a call from another employer tomorrow and they offered you a 10% raise and a better job title, you wouldn’t think twice before moving on. We've all been in that network of friends, where we know at least a few amazing bright people but if you had to share how you are feeling deep inside with a so-called friend, you would probably just feel more comfortable glossing over the question because you don’t think that many of those friends are really interested in your answer when they ask you ‘how are you?’.??

We see examples of lack of presence all around us, and unfortunately, with the busy pace of life, we rarely get the time to mull over what is missing in the metaphorical jigsaw puzzle of life, the puzzle whose pieces when put together should perhaps look like happiness. For a lot of people, every day might feel like a drill, and with little thought about what needs to change, most of us get on with the drill because well who has the time to search for that most important piece called happiness; so, we carry on...until the march isn’t sustainable any more. Until we reach the point where unhappiness begins to cloud the practicality of carrying on! Until we are forced to hit that pause button because we can’t function like that anymore. Until a crisis is upon us and we begin to lose hope. A few people will look around and search for support and even though they may have friends and colleagues and perhaps a well-intentioned partner, the whole situation might feel like a void because they don’t know who would really understand how they are feeling, and they wonder if they really should share their deepest fears and vulnerabilities with someone they trust. Who is going to sit there and hear them when they share how that big planned change in their life or work is making them excited but also extremely nervous.?

More often than not, people find themselves wondering whether the relationships they have can bear the impact of a deep personal change. They wonder if their closest relationships will still be the closest when they are faced with an upheaval that often accompanies a big change.???

Relationships are not meant to be hard; they are meant to be fulfilling. And I know, that not every relationship in our can be fulfilling because if we tried making every relationship fulfilling then we’d be spending all of our lives investing in each other’s emotions and feelings and that’s not feasible. But we all deserve to have a few such relationships in our lives where we feel like we are understood, where we know silence is not awkward, where we feel a deep sense of connection and engagement, where we feel a sense of ease and comfort even after sharing our deepest fears, where the judgement is suspended and eyes, ears, mind are fully tuned in to us and our words...because to this person with whom we share a deep personal relationship our thoughts and our feelings should matter.?

As a practicing coach, I am learning more about the power of relationships, presence and connection every day. I feel abundantly blessed that I have a few beautiful deep relationships in my life that are fulfilling and authentic. And I am grateful that those relationships are my biggest blessings in life.???

So, when a fellow coach asked me a few weeks back what is the mission for my new business, I mulled hard over it and replied, that I’d like to make ‘relationships more fulfilling and work more meaningful for my clients’. Well, that’s my destination and I know there will be many pathways to get there. Most of them co-created with my clients, working and walking together towards the north star of fulfilment and meaning in our lives. If you are one of these people who is keen on designing that pathway with me on your side, do reach out and we will talk more about how we could light up the skies for you.??

For now, here’s a top tip for your important relationships. The more you are present, the more you will understand the person you are in a relationship with. And how could you be more present? Well, for starters when someone starts talking to you, wait before you talk. Wait and listen, listen intently to what the other person is really trying to tell you, without judgement, without assumptions and without the need to respond to them. Just listen!?

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‘’Relationships are hard’. That was the headline of an advert for an online therapy firm that popped up on my Facebook feed yesterday. Weird, but not surprising to see it in my Facebook feed. Perhaps, Facebook figured I’d been watching a BBC show called couples' therapy and tried doing some related adverts to see if I might be seeking something like that in terms of service. Well, not a relevant advert for me as I have been watching the show from the perspective of a coach. I absolutely love the work that the therapist in this show is doing with real-life couples. It’s a fantastic watch for someone who is learning about the tools and techniques often used in psychotherapy; the power of silence and the strength of insightful questions.

But coming back to the tagline about how relationships are hard, I don’t agree with that statement. Relationships aren’t hard but it’s the people in relationships that make them hard or easy. We as people define and shape our relationships, we make them hard, we make them easy. We as people make our relationships lifeless and we make them joyful. We as people make relationships muted and we make them engaged. We, all of us, make relationships what they are. Sometimes relationships give us the space to feel the way we want to feel and, in such relationships, we find a sense of belonging, we feel like we matter. On the other hand, there are relationships that sometimes suck all our energy and leave us feeling exhausted.?

So, what really makes relationships fulfilling or painful? It must be something around the ease with which we relate to other people. I believe when we relate to someone at a deep level, a connection is automatically forged. So, it’s not the relationship that is hard, it is the ability to create a connection. And we all know, that creating a connection goes way beyond adding someone as a friend on Facebook or following someone on Instagram. A connection is shaped by one’s presence. A connection is built when you give another person your full attention. That person could be a partner, it could be a client, it could be a friend or it could be your child. But in each of those relationships, it is the fullness of our presence that truly defines the strength of our connection.?

Sounds simple, right? Of course, we are present with all these people who matter to us. Our partner, our client, our child, our friend. But are we all fully present when we are with them? Where’s our mind wandering when this connection of ours is speaking with us?

Complete presence is hard because it requires us to be emotionally and mentally be fully present with another person. Let’s think of some examples of a deep connection you may have experienced. Think about a time when you felt deeply understood by someone. Like you almost got the feeling that it’s so easy to be with this person because it felt so natural. It is when you feel you can bring your whole self to a conversation and every part of your existence feels safe, in the presence of another person who makes you feel you are seen, heard and valued.?

If you have been able to think of someone who made you feel that way, you may feel grateful to have someone in your life who really understands you. And be honest with yourself if it’s been hard for you to remember feeling that way in the recent past. You’d be surprised to hear you are not alone in struggling to remember that deep sense of connection with someone. The lack of connection is a commonly experienced phenomenon. But what’s slightly sad is that a lot of people simply have no choice but to get on with their lives and live with dull relationships day after day. At work, a lot of people just go from one meeting to another and they feel like time drags; when they get home, they are looking for a connection or they just feel like sharing what a dull day it was, but when they share their feelings of discontent in the expectation that their partner would understand what they are saying; often their thoughts are interrupted. I’ve often heard people say that they feel like they are sharing what’s on their minds but they still feel they are hardly ever understood, and so the cycle continues. Sometimes when spending time alone, people wonder what they are searching for! A lot of people don’t quite know what is missing but they know they feel unhappy either at work or at home or sometimes sadly both at work and home.?

For a lot of people, it can feel lonely even when they are with another person sitting right across from them at the dinner table. Or the boredom in those work meetings where you feel like holding yourselves back from sharing what you seriously think because you won’t be heard anyway. It might still be a functional relationship but the truth is if you got a call from another employer tomorrow and they offered you a 10% raise and a better job title, you wouldn’t think twice before moving on. We've all been in that network of friends, where we know at least a few amazing bright people but if you had to share how you are feeling deep inside with a so-called friend, you would probably just feel more comfortable glossing over the question because you don’t think that many of those friends are really interested in your answer when they ask you ‘how are you?’.?

We see examples of lack of presence all around us, and unfortunately, with the busy pace of life, we rarely get the time to mull over what is missing in the metaphorical jigsaw puzzle of life, the puzzle whose pieces when put together should perhaps look like happiness. For a lot of people, every day might feel like a drill, and with little thought about what needs to change, most of us get on with the drill because well who has the time to search for that most important piece called happiness; so, we carry on...until the march isn’t sustainable any more. Until we reach the point where unhappiness begins to cloud the practicality of carrying on! Until we are forced to hit that pause button because we can’t function like that anymore. Until a crisis is upon us and we begin to lose hope. A few people will look around and search for support and even though they may have friends and colleagues and perhaps a well-intentioned partner, the whole situation might feel like a void because they don’t know who would really understand how they are feeling, and they wonder if they really should share their deepest fears and vulnerabilities with someone they trust. Who is going to sit there and hear them when they share how that big planned change in their life or work is making them excited but also extremely nervous. More often than not, people find themselves wondering whether the relationships they have can bear the impact of a deep personal change. They wonder if their closest relationships will still be the closest when they are faced with an upheaval that often accompanies a big change.?

Relationships are not meant to be hard; they are meant to be fulfilling. And I know, that not every relationship in our can be fulfilling because if we tried making every relationship fulfilling then we’d be spending all of our lives investing in each other’s emotions and feelings and that’s not feasible. But we all deserve to have a few such relationships in our lives where we feel like we are understood, where we know silence is not awkward, where we feel a deep sense of connection and engagement, where we feel a sense of ease and comfort even after sharing our deepest fears, where the judgement is suspended and eyes, ears, mind are fully tuned in to us and our words...because to this person with whom we share a deep personal relationship our thoughts and our feelings should matter.

As a practising coach, I am learning more about the impact of relationships, presence and connection every day. I feel abundantly blessed that I have a few beautiful deep relationships in my life that are fulfilling and authentic. And I am grateful that those relationships are my biggest blessings in life.?

So, when a fellow coach asked me a few weeks back what is the mission for my new business, I mulled hard over it and replied, that I’d like to make ‘relationships more fulfilling and work more meaningful for my clients’. Well, that’s my destination and I know there will be many pathways to get there. Most of them co-created with my clients, working and walking together towards the north star of fulfilment and meaning. If you are one of these people who’s keen on designing that pathway for yourself, reach out to me and we will see how we can light up the skies for you.?

For now, here’s a top tip for your important relationships. The more you are present, the more you will understand the person you are in a relationship with. And how could you be more present? Well, for starters when someone starts talking to you, wait before you talk. Wait and listen, listen intently to what the other person is really trying to tell you, without judgement, without assumptions and without the need to respond to them. Just listen!