Relationship SOS!

The RMS Titanic was supposed to be unsinkable. It was certainly titanic! But it was also built with reinforced hulls, capable of surviving anything… or so they thought.

Then, it hit an iceberg. Not a torpedo. Not another metal boat. Just a piece of ice, floating off the coast of Newfoundland. And the rest, as they say, is history. The ship started taking on water, and finally succumbed to the seas in the early hours of April 15, 1912. Of the estimated 2,200 people on the boat, over 1,500 perished. 

This was a ship built to survive… thought to be unsinkable! So much so that there weren’t enough lifeboats for all on board. At full capacity of the lifeboats, a third of the souls on board would still be out of luck, destined to go down with the ship.

On that fateful night, ice had been spotted. The watch saw the iceberg, sounded the alarm. But even with evasive attempts, the boat side-swiped the iceberg. It seemed, though, that there had been no impact, as few felt anything. Unbeknownst to the crew (and even less so for passengers), a 300 foot gash had been torn into the hull, allowing water to pour into the various compartments. This led to a slowly building disaster, as the ship became more and more unbalanced by the water weight, eventually leaving the boat near-vertical before it sank below the freezing water.

I’m guessing you know that I am not just offering a little bite of history here. I have a point. A point about your marriage.

Most people enter into marriage, believing their relationship is unsinkable. Love will prevail. Why even bother to think about life-preservers? What could go wrong?

And imperceptibly, the damage happens. Maybe you hit the “Pause Button.” Or maybe you didn’t understand what makes a marriage… much less a successful marriage.

You didn’t notice that anything was wrong… until something was very wrong! Then what? What do you do when the damage is apparent… and the outcome seems inevitable?

According to Titanic lore, 2 things happened onboard the ship.

First, in order to not cause panic, the band played on! Pretending that nothing was happening, the musicians just kept playing. I have this mental image of them having to shift positions, rebalance their instruments, perhaps even chase down a rolling drum set. 

But keep on playing! Pretend that all is well!

I see this one on a regular basis. Couples, each one knowing that something is not right, just keep on ploughing ahead. They just keep on playing! No stopping to ponder what they might need to do in order to survive. Nope. They just keep on playing. Chasing after things here and there. But the relationship keeps on tilting, headed straight into the abyss. But they keep on playing, as if nothing is wrong.

Second, the crew kept themselves busy rearranging the deck chairs! There they were, out in the open, moving seats around… as if there was an optimal position for the chairs in the midst of a sinking. Perhaps a better view for the sinking? 

Or more likely, they were trying to do something when they had no idea what to do.

We do that, you and me. “Don’t just sit there! Do something!” Any action seems better than no action. And very often, that amounts to rearranging the chairs on a sinking ship.

In a troubled marriage, I have seen a TON of rearranging the deck chairs on their sinking relationship. They make promises for change. They institute “date night.” They book a romantic weekend at some spot (that normally goes very poorly). They go see a therapist (don’t even get me started on this one!). 

I could keep on adding to the list. But you get my point. Lots of “activity” that accomplishes nothing. Why? Because they don’t know what to do, but at least they are doing something. Just nothing helpful. (Perhaps a better view of the sinking?)

Notice that both of those actions: The Band Played On, and The Crew Rearranged The Chairs… they did them for real reasons. First, the band didn’t want everyone in panic mode… even if a sink going down is fair reason to panic. Second, the crew wanted to do something… even if rearranging the chairs did little to stop the real problem — a huge hole in the hull.

The same is true for people in a marriage crisis. They ignore the problem, not wanting to escalate it. They do something… anything… hoping it might make a difference. And trying is better than sitting there, waiting for their fate.

There IS, though, another option. It is about taking the RIGHT action, taking care of what is wrong and healing what is hurting. It is about facing the issue and finding a solution. It is about acting with courage, in the face of fear, to make a difference.

If you are stuck, PLEASE jump into my Marriage Makeover Mastermind Programme. The new course is starting April 12th. It is the most effective, efficient, affordable way to get the tools, training, and coaching you need to make a difference. A REAL difference in your marriage.

Decision time. Do you do nothing, just going to your cabin to wait for the sinking? Do you keep on playing on, ignoring the crisis? Do you just rearrange the chairs on the deck, not really helping at all, but doing something?

Or do you make a real shift? A real change? Do you find the way forward?