Relationship Quartet (2): The Goal

My friends,

Part 2 of 4 is here! Get your training kits on because today we are working towards the goal. Large portions of the information I am providing will once again come from ‘Relationship Coaching’, by Yossi Ives & Elaine Cox.

In the previous letter I touched on the idea of a dream, more specifically, what YOUR dream may have been and that sometimes we need to be more realistic about that dream. One way that this is possible is to turn that dream into a tangible and feasible goal. This is where your coach becomes specifically important as someone that can support you, hold you accountable, and motivate you to take effective action to achieve that goal. It is important to note that your goal needs to be of a certain nature (achievable, enticing, effective, clear), as it will influence your motivation and behaviour in the future - above all else it requires that you are committed and motivated. Not to take anything away from Simon Sinek’s ‘Golden Circle’ of ‘Why, How, What’, but one of the best ways to obtain clarity from your goals is to get laser focused on the ’What, How, Why’ - in that order! (Sorry Simon). This methodology will assist in narrowing down on the ‘practical components’ such as possessive relationship orientations or distant relationship orientation, and suggest ways to positively influence those components through changes of behaviours. It all starts with goal setting.

Setting the Goal

This process can often take some time as clients may not always have a clear goal, but more of a vision of what they aim to achieve - which is very similar and can be confusing. The activity of goal-setting will ultimately contribute to the achievement of their goal. According to Carver and Scheier 1998, there are two main levels associated with goal clarification:

• Meta Goal: The stage is where the client will set out what they want to achieve or become (dream goal), often regarded as a current concern.
• Effective goal setting: What the client intends to do about their dream.

Goal clarification can be a flexible exercise especially when the goal is concrete as there will likely be needs for adjusting or replacing aspects thereof depending on the circumstances. One of the first adjustments that often occurs is the timeframe within which a client may desire to achieve their goals, when the focus would be better placed on the principle of change and achievement - focusing on the vision and setting a direction (forward). And while I am on the train of contradicting some of the great people, let’s do another one.

Napoleon Hill once stated that ‘A goal is a dream with a deadline’.

In most cases I would agree, typically where the goal is concrete and based largely on committing to a certain time parameter in order to achieve the goal. Relationship goals should not be as rigid as Mr Hill’s words suggest, either because the client is not entirely clear about what the goal is and it would warrant a brain-storming session between the client and the coach in order to gain clarity, or possibly reframing the goal from not knowing exactly what the client wants but rather why they would prefer was different. The coach and client work together to establish a more abstract goal that is a preferred prerequisite to an action-oriented goal. In order to create the concrete (clear) goal there are three factors that need to be in equilibrium:

• Goal Specificity:  The first step to setting tangibility (measurable) and gaining clarity, effectively increased through coaching (Moen and Skaalvik 2009). The common ‘Doing my Best’ statement is called to question as it sets a comfort zone of low standards and accountability. There is a reason that the classic ‘SMART’ goals all begin with Specific (S) as a general goal can leave the client more non-committal. Specifying the desired outcomes allows the coach and client to recognise when they are not being fulfilled and adds another layer of tangibility to the goal.   ‘Progress = Happiness’ as Tony Robbins has said many times - the coach and client will be more equipped to monitor any progress.
• Goal Proximity:  Setting goals and planning the actions towards them, while separate stages, both involve goals of varying proximity. Goal setting has more long-term goals, while action-planning involves short-term goals. Short-term (immediate) goals become the stepping stones towards the long-term (future) goals more clearly defined, by Whitmore in 2003, as performance goals vs end goals. This implies that in order to reach the end, we need to perform correctly at all the short-term stages. A clear example of this could be taking an action to go out on a date (short term), ultimately leading to a relationship (long term) where the desire for a relationship would guide the decisions taken during the dating phase. For couples, this could be focusing on the long term goal (a happy marriage) by making small immediate changes to the short term actions (spending more quality time with each other).
• Goal Difficulty:  Measured progress typically occurs when clients set out challenging tasks, provided that they are attainable and realistic (the A and R of SMART goals). The difficulty of any goal should be set according to the limitations and capabilities of the individual, and the coaching should encourage the clients motivation to take action while maintaining the difficulty along a path that leads to an attainable goal. A sweet spot needs to be reached between a difficulty of too easy and too hard - ‘the optimal challenge principle’ (Ford 1992). Or as some clever Neurologists, Psychologists, and Scientists phrase it:  ‘Brown et al. (2005) found that goals only had a motivational effect when the person was not already experiencing overload. Thus, motivation will be highest when the tasks are at an intermediary level (Pintrinch and Schunk 1996) to ensure they are manageable but not boring (Nakamura and Csikszentmihalyi 2002; Kauffman 2004).’

Geez! What a mouthful… let me try my way:

I know its not entirely the same thing but whenever I start a new video game I always choose the middle difficulty setting as it is challenging but I work through it and complete the mission - it feels good, has some tough parts, some really enjoyable parts - and there is a rewarding feeling at the end. If I choose ‘easy mode’ I don’t feel as fulfilled, and if I choose ‘hard mode’ I want to throw the controller across the room!

Feedback

The number of times I want to phone some game developers and ask them how it is even possible for someone to pass a level on a game is notable. Then I see someone else do it on YouTube and realise that maybe I just needed to get some feedback from someone who has completed that level. Point being that feedback is vital.

In relationship coaching there are two main types of feedback:

• Long-term feedback:  Where information is linked in order to alert people of potential consequences to actions. This serves as a guide to inform future actions via learning.
• Short-term feedback:  Immediate feedback from people that could suggest an alternative course of action. This typically arises from the action where the performance becomes the feedback.

Both types of feedback are vital to relationship coaching as they are more fundamental to the process as opposed to goal-focused coaching or therapeutic coaching (these focus on either short-term or long-term feedback respectively). Clients are likely to become more informed about their performance towards the goal if there is sufficient feedback, and it needs to be a two-way street where the client and coach provide the feedback. The more specific the feedback is, the more use is derived from it in order to learn and develop along the journey. Coaching becomes more effective when methods to evaluate and measure performance towards progress are incorporated. Something as subtle as changes in attitude is a method to measure progress. How much more confident don’t you feel dressed in a fancy suit or evening gown, ready for a dinner party? - Exactly! The more feedback is exchanged, the better the outcome of the coaching and progress towards the goal. It is critical that the feedback is accurate and empowering, without stroking anybodies ego in the process, and critical when necessary - so basically it needs to always be honest because it ultimately guides the next stage of actions.

Action Planning

“When eating an elephant, take one bite at a time.” - Creighton Abrams

Obviously I am not encouraging you to find an elephant here, but once you have the long term goal now you need to develop a process to achieve it, and often you’ll feel more confident if this goal is broken down into more digestible chunks that raise your level of task-related self-efficacy. When the coach and client formulate a plan it reduces distractions and options because, well - You gotta stick to the plan!

Having a clear sense of When, Where, and How often results in higher levels of goal attainment. If the goal is unpacked into hierarchical sub-goals, it will further facilitate the time-scales within which to achieve them, thereby leading to the main goal completion time. I like the idea of evolving and adapting, and often a plan of action will need to be malleable to the circumstances of life and upcoming issues, particularly when the goal involves other people (going on a date for instance).

Step out of the comfort zone, be flexible, and have a strategy

Some people may not be experienced with certain tasks required towards the goal so having a brainstorming session where various options are explored is one way to change the behaviours that may be withholding one from achieving their goals, or to change a limiting mindset. This also generates a wider range of ways to achieve that goal that you may not have previously considered. Having good intentions are not enough, you will also need skills and tools at your disposal, which would be discoverable through effective brainstorming between the coach and client, while exploring the client’s needs to help them identify the most effective road to success. Life will throw curveballs at you and you need to be flexible when this happens, so planning too far ahead may result in unexpected hiccups if, for example, a career change is heading your way that may affect a plan that is too detailed. Instead, it would be best to acknowledge that plans will need to be flexible to unforeseen events and these should be regarded as lessons for more clarity of thought.

Stay Motivated

I know it’s not always easy because we want results NOW! Solutions often take time to manifest and the urge to have a quick-fix cure to a problem that has been bugging you for a long time is normal, because you have gone to someone for help. It is important to know that results are never immediate, however using this impatience effectively is key to setting a reasonable date by which to see a difference. It is also very easy to get caught up in life and staying motivated to continue coaching when you may prefer quality time such as going away for a weekend, being aware of the resistance will allow the coach to inspire the client to find some motivation to act on their goals. Remembering what will be achieved by the client is an effective strategy to boost the motivation, as the client will visualise their future self - this will strengthen the WHY!

To close off let me state that having clarity on what you want to achieve is one of the most important steps to seeing results as it automatically becomes more Realistic and you believe it is Achievable. I don’t need to ramble on about SMART goals but just remember how important it is to YOU to be in a place where you have succeeded - really FEEL what it is like, and then decide whether you want to Work towards the Goal, or not. If I think about some of my future desires I say “HELL YES! - I Will work towards it right away!”

With Love,

ML | LD