Relationship Issues-The Subconscious Warring Heart

In recent conversations, a client shared with me that for ten years he had held onto what I call a “Subconscious Warring Heart” that was driven by his reaction to a not-so-good choice his wife had made-which took him into not trusting her, countless hours of blame, reliving the experience mentally, much arguing and “finger pointing”- at the end of one of these conversations with me he said, “I am so weary of carrying this and it controlling me.”

It strikes me that at the core of our relationship challenges-whether in business or home, is the subconscious deception that because of another’s behaviors-what they did or did not do, we are now a “victim”.

We subconsciously take ownership of the victim deception label because it gives us an excuse to not take responsibility, to not forgive or ask for forgiveness-to continue in needing to be right about our deception. So, the ego keeps us paddling in the waters of justification, thinking we are on the right path-in our paddling we struggle with trust, and to be trusted.

It's worth diving into how this happens—the brain wants to keep us safe, predictable.?The brain, therefore, is very content to identify us as victims, and understand the world through victimhood, and that provides an excellent excuse for no change on our own part—no uncomfortable forgiveness, no need to drive new avenues forward—the world is unfair, my response is justifiably sane.

The problem is, of course, just that: it’s a safe life, but it isn’t much of a life.?If victimhood shapes my identity, I don’t have to own my own perception of identity—I don’t have to define it.?I don’t have to make decisions.?If I ask those questions, I am in control of my identity—not external circumstance.

That’s where growth is, and that’s why it is hard. We give other people power over us because of our willingness to take offense which can lead to us absorbing the false identity of a victim because we can’t see that we have.?

“One person can give offense, only if the other will take offense”.-C. Terry Warren

In my last conversation with my client, I asked him what a win for him had been that week. He paused, and with deep emotion said, “After 10 years, I forgave my wife—another long pause and I asked, “What did she do when you told her?” She cried.”. I then asked, “how do you feel?”, He responded with, “I am finally at peace!”

The speed in which we sincerely apologize, ask for forgiveness, and to forgive at home or in business can become a “clarity magnifier” and will determine the speed of healing a relationship and reestablishing trust because of our willingness to forgive and ask for forgiveness.

This is the key to ending the battle of the “subconscious warring heart”.