Relational Leadership In The Discomfort Zone

About a year ago, I was on a training call with my coach. He brings together all his clients twice a month, and we practice "leadership" (more on that later).

A colleague on the call asked for support. "I feel very overwhelmed. There are so many things to do, conversations to have, and decisions to make. Honestly, it's just too much. I'd appreciate any help on handling this."

My inner I-know-the-answer Hermoine Granger woke up, and I raised my hand to coach him. I can help with this. I've been there— easily fixable problem.

Me: "What work have you already done towards this?"

Colleague: "Well, I'm in conversation with the coach on this. I'm noticing I struggle with boundaries. I take on too much and don't say NO enough."

Me (slight pressure building up because I had only 2 minutes and not the usual 1 hour coaching time, I tugged on my inner Hermoine a bit harder and said...):

"I found it most helpful to clarify what's important to me, list down goals and priorities, and why I need boundaries. Have you tried that? That exercise might be helpful here."

I saw him taking notes, and I smiled with smug satisfaction. I gave amazing advice. And then... as I say that, you probably know what's coming... feedback! My coach pointed out what he noticed about the dynamic, making me dive deeper into how I showed up.

Coach: "Did you see how he was ready to take on what you gave him? He says he's overwhelmed yet ready to take on another exercise. What made you give him more work?"

And that's how I realized that a part of me comes alive to fix other people when they show any signs of vulnerability or uncertainty. You might recognize this as the Savior Complex -- the need to save souls and provide eternal happiness.

The Genteel Savior Disempowers Leaders

Many times, people mistake the savior complex for people-pleasing. I don't think I'm a people-pleaser (ok ok..maybe a little bit sometimes). I decently express what I need and go after my ambitions even if people might judge me. But there's a subtle version of the Savior Complex in me, which I call The Genteel Savior, where I get into "let me fix you" mode and try to be the messiah in people's lives.

Nothing wrong with The Genteel Savior. In many situations, it results in generosity that opens up new connections, maintains relationships, and reduces interpersonal friction. I want to think it is helpful for people around me.

But in many other situations (like above), The Genteel Savior leaves people disempowered in the long run. It dissuades people from acting according to their intelligence and resourcefulness. The subtext of "Here's what you should do" lands as "let me fix you," "I don't trust you," or "You should change." It creates followers, not leaders.

On further reflection, this part of me comes up because I'm extremely uncomfortable when others are uncomfortable, especially when they take the extra step to indicate that they're uncomfortable. This is my Discomfort Zone. Habitually, I try to solve this discomfort immediately by giving lots of advice or acting on feedback with urgency, even if it means taking up entirely new projects or giving away my time (yes, giving away time is not always about boundaries[2]). Do you see the cosmic joke? This leaves me overwhelmed quite often, just like my colleague. I needed some of the medicine that I desired to offer him [1]. And at least a big part of the reason is this genteel savior complex, creating an inner I-know-the-answer-let-me-give-it-to-you Hermoine Granger.

"What made you give him more work?"

Umm.. my discomfort with his discomfort..? My savior complex trying to "fix" the problem, in other words, trying to "fix" him.

I believe that coaches and "people-focused" leaders must actively work to recognize the shadow of their people-openness. Like many leaders I meet, I'm naturally drawn to connect with people and have a 'relationships first' value system. The Genteel Savior is the overexpressed way of connection-- the shadow side that is too eager to connect with people by managing their energy, feelings, and maybe even their lives.

(Side note: this is not a discussion on founder mode vs. manager mode. Both modes can benefit from not trying to save people from discomfort.)

But wait... that's not the point of this post.

We need to lean into more Relational Leadership training.

The main point is that this came to my attention during relational leadership training, as in, training on how I show up with others. I did distinguish some signs of the savior complex in my 1-on-1 calls with my coach, but I had no idea of its manifestation in-the-moment when I was coaching someone.

After this training moment (and many others over the last couple of years), I have concluded that we need two types of leadership work for personal development to be effective. This is what I meant by "leadership" at the beginning of this post.

1. Self Leadership -- Leading yourself to act intentionally despite your default ego defense mechanisms, stories, beliefs, perspectives, and feelings.
2. Relational Leadership -- Leading others on their journey with you through their discomfort and resistance, while leading yourself on your default mechanisms.

One-on-one coaching can address self-leadership very well and relational leadership to an extent; for example, coaching someone through a difficult conversation where the other party might be very resistant.

A significant part of Relational Leadership, though, needs relational coaching. Certain parts and patterns of you come alive only in conversation with others and stay hidden through individual coaching, therapy, or spiritual self-inquiry practices, just like me and my genteel savior complex. And if your work in the world out there involves being with people (which I would argue is the case for almost everyone except early-in-career ICs), you might be served best by adding relational coaching to your development.

I find that the personal development industry almost ignores Relational Leadership training (note that the training I'm talking about is distinct from communication skills courses, once-in-a-while corporate workshops, men's or women's emotional work groups; this is about leading others through the discomfort zone). At least on my radar, I've found only a few executive coaches offer this.

So, my invitation to professionals reading this: consider adding relational leadership coaching to your development work. (And to coaches: consider offering relational coaching).

I've been part of such training with my coach for the past two years, and honestly, it has completely changed my experience of interacting with others. I started speaking with more authenticity and drawing power that was not accessible to me before. It was so effective that I changed my private coaching practice model to include these sessions, and I've been toying with the idea of offering such group sessions out to the public (if that interests you, I'd love to support you here: https://lu.ma/oqs06go6 Or forward to a friend or colleague who could use the support!)

[1] If you're wondering, the best solution I found to overwhelm is an inquiry into the defense mechanism that takes on too much work, which manifests differently for different folks (for me it's the savior complex). Adding more exercises can leave you in the experience of recursive overwhelm -- overwhelm about solving the overwhelm.

[2] I found that when people try to solve not-enough-time problems by setting boundaries or prioritization, they put up an energetic barrier and miss opportunities for leadership or new connections. Working with time at the level of defense mechanisms and shadows automagically improves communication and preserves the essence of relationships without putting up walls.

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