Rekindling a Fire - Losing and Regaining Love of a Sport

You know how people always say that a coach can make or break a sport for you? Yeah, it was a break for me.?

I grew up in a family dynamic where my dad traveled half of the week for work, leaving my mom to care for my brother and me by herself while he was gone. While we were younger, she packed our lunches in the morning, cutting my sandwiches into the shape of a heart, knowing it would put a smile on my face. She always got me to school fifteen minutes early every day because I hated to be late. She made it a priority to pick us up from school on time so we wouldn’t be the last of our friends sitting on the sidewalk facing the car-rider line. When we got home, she made us an after-school snack and prepared dinner three hours later, which frustrated her because my brother and I never wanted to eat the same things. But even after a long day at work, she was there for us.?

As my parents made sacrifices for me growing up, I made sacrifices in return. I loved to play soccer. My dad signed me up for my first recreational league when I was five years old. As we got older, my teammates looked for a further challenge and started trying out for competitive travel teams within the club. However, in my situation, it was not feasible for me to join a travel soccer team. My mom was caring for my brother at the same time. There was only one of her to drive both of us where we needed to go. There was only one of her to stay at home with us because we were too young to be left alone. There was only one of her to make sure we did our homework to the best of our abilities. My grandparents were always available to help, but she did not want to place that burden on them. Travel soccer was simply not an option.

Despite only playing recreation soccer for many years, I made my school’s varsity soccer team in the seventh grade at age thirteen as a goalkeeper. I had a great time from then through the ninth grade playing with my classmates and older girls that were role models for me. I felt strong in my position, believing I contributed to the team’s performance and that others thought the same. Entering my sophomore season on the varsity team, dynamics began to change.?

Other teams in our conference and state district were getting better… stronger… faster… and we lagged behind. That year, we had our team’s worst season yet, not winning a single game. It was gut-wrenching. Sure, losing sucks. We were rebuilding and our starting line-up was mainly middle schoolers fighting to stand their ground against eighteen-year-olds. But the worst part? Our coach had no faith in us. Our strategy every game was to sit back, defend the entire 80 minutes, and try not to get mercy-ruled, which was a score of 9-0. At that point, the game would end no matter how much time was left on the clock. Following the match, our coach would bring us into a circle, point out one player and how they played well and that everyone else’s performance was poor… the same player every time. Every. Single. Game. Not to be selfish, but as a goalkeeper who had dozens of shots on her every game and tallying over 150 saves at the end of that season, I was not very happy.

My coach was furious after how that season ended, understandably so. The next year, he made structural changes within his roster. At my small private school, there were only about 300 students enrolled in the high school, so you were basically ensured a spot on a sports team you wanted to join. I loved this idea because I could play both soccer and volleyball without choosing to focus on only one. After our rough season, my soccer coach now didn’t agree with that standard. He began to recruit players from local club teams to come play for our school, as he didn’t think the team he had could win championships. He encouraged us to join a club team as well, and if you didn’t, it would lessen your playing time. My friends started to quit as the environment altered. They had other interests they wanted to pursue, and soccer wasn’t going to be their top priority. Playing soccer wasn’t for fun anymore… It was only to win. I continued playing volleyball, which my coach didn’t love, but if I wanted to continue to love soccer, I couldn’t place all of my time in it.?

The team was definitely more successful in my junior and senior seasons, but it came at a cost. If you did not play club soccer, my coach did not want to invest his time into you. Those were his favorites. If you were not a favorite or part of his successful men’s team, your experience suffered. He never encouraged or affirmed me. He only spoke about my play when it was a point of correction, and normally it was through yelling and cursing. I specifically remember one match. I made a horrible error that cost us a game we traveled four hours to play. The defender passed the ball back to me to distribute; it hit a small mound, redirected off my foot incorrectly, and rolled right past me into the goal. My coach did not speak to me for three days, and when he finally did, it was through a snide comment or in a joke. I remember the look on my coach’s face after that mistake… It was one of anger and frustration. That sure was a long ride home afterward. However, I never heard him speak poorly of his “golden players.” The rest of us were just numbers to fill a roster.

I could go into further detail about my high school soccer experience, but I will keep it short and simple… My love of the game was gone. I no longer was excited to go to practice after a long day at school. On match days, I didn’t eat until dinner because I was so scared of getting yelled at for screwing up or letting my team down. I didn’t want to go outside with my dad at home and kick the ball around anymore. I wanted to graduate and move on, away from the stress and anxiety that the sport I used to love most now caused me.?

I was blessed to be accepted to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and begin attending in the fall of 2021. As soon as I got here, one of the first things I did was attend a UNC Women’s Soccer game. Instantly, I felt the excitement again that I had once lost. There was a spark there again after the fire had ebbed. There was something about sitting in the stands that was comforting to me… No pressure, just enjoyment. I knew I wanted to be part of something again. I tried club soccer, but the stress and anxiety that was present in high school when I played returned, and I knew it wasn’t healthy mentally. I hoped there was a route for me to be involved in soccer as a student without playing anymore, and I applied to be a student-manager.?

The moment I arrived at Finley Fields on January 18, 2022, the fire I had lost for the sport was rekindled.?

As soon as I walked onto UNC Women’s Soccer’s training field, a family welcomed me. Players met me at midfield to introduce themselves and say that they were excited to get to know me. Former Head Coach Anson Dorrance asked me what I was studying and painted a picture of how I could grow my knowledge in creative marketing by partnering with General Manager Chris Ducar to sell out Dorrance Field. World Cup and Olympic champion Heather O’Reilly, former assistant coach, brought me into the breakdown circle at the end of practice and told me and the other two new managers to share a fun fact about ourselves. Everyone was so excited to be back together at the beginning of the spring semester, and there were more smiling faces than I had ever seen on a soccer field in high school.?

Fast forward to Fall 2024, I have now worked as a student-manager for almost four years, and that fire is still there. I absolutely love what I do, and there is never a day that I am not excited to go to Finley or Dorrance Fields and see those same smiling faces that are a constant in my life. The family that welcomed me at the beginning of 2022 is still the same family I see every day. Some ask me if it hurts being on the sideline after playing soccer for all those years, and the answer each time is no. Every single player, coach, and staff member tells me how much they appreciate what we, as managers, do for them. I could not tell you if I ever heard “we could not do this without you” one time throughout my school soccer experience, but I know at UNC Women’s Soccer, I hear it at least once a week. Coming from an environment where I knew that if I quit, nobody would really care, it means the absolute world to know that I am making an impact. October 31, 2024, will be one of the hardest days in my college career, because I know that day will mark the last time I will be on the sideline at Dorrance Field cheering on the girls I love most.?

Do you want to know one thing I love most about working for UNC Women’s Soccer? Each manager has a different back story. I’ve worked with people that had never played a game of soccer in their lives. That was never even a question asked when I interviewed for the position. It didn’t matter that I didn’t play club soccer growing up. It didn’t matter if I didn’t win a state championship. What mattered was that I was going to give my all, and looking back, my goal is to give back to a team that has given me more than I could have ever imagined.?

Throughout this blog series with Gary Kayye?? CTS , I will speak about lessons that I have learned from sports and how they relate to the real world. What did I learn from this experience, you ask? There is hope to find love in something again that you feel is gone forever. There is hope to climb out of a dark place and reclaim a light. Just because you feel out of place now doesn’t mean you will forever. Sure, my high school soccer coach broke soccer for me then, but if he had not, I don’t know where I would be today. If I had convinced my parents to let me play club soccer, I don’t know how my life would look now, but I know that the choices I made in the past led me to the most wonderful future that I would ever ask for.