Rejection & Acceptance, Chapter 5: Acceptance

Pete: We’ve covered Rejection, Judgement, and Curiosity. It’s time to shift over to the right-hand side of the ampersand and talk about Acceptance.

Acceptance took a few forms and thousands of attempts and admissions. First—and with apologies to all of the Enneagram Ones and Fours reading this—there is no such thing as perfection… and anyway, would we recognize it if we saw it? No matter how good I was at any particular skill, I would always find something missing from my abilities and move the goal posts back. This got me something that felt familiar: self-deprecation and the miserable company that comes with it. While not the healthiest approach, it was less terrifying than owning my warts and feeling alone.

But self-deprecation is not the same as humility. If you pay a humble person a compliment, they might smile, thank you, and perhaps say “back atcha.” They may produce a goofy laugh. They may feel seen; you may feel heard. You may feel the resultant mutuality and equity. You may feel like it was safe to create an opening for the person to feel like they belong, and you might even feel like you belong in kind.

Pay a self-deprecating person a compliment and they may squirm like a worm on a hot rock. They may hide, deflect, diminish, or try to shift the balance by telling you how much greater you are. They might even reject your compliment out of hand, perhaps because it’s too much for them to hold. You may not feel heard; you may feel an imbalance. This is not mutuality. It’s less a matter of fairness and more about the imbalanced energy that comes from a lack of grace. You might come away feeling like it was not safe to extend a welcome to them. Safety goes both ways.

I spent much of my life living in self-deprecation and rejecting humility. My shift into grace started over 30 years ago with a simple contract: When I get quiet or use very few words when I do speak, I am feeling a fear of abandonment, and what I choose instead is to trust myself and express. Start with the observable behavior on the outside and connect it to the associated feeling on the inside, so that someone outside of you might know what is going on. Then, in the final clause, state what you’re going to do differently. Write this for yourself in your journal or on a napkin, and ask an accountability buddy to tell you when you’re acting on- or off-contract and what each looks like. You can even do this for each other. If you feel like writing more than one contract, don’t. One will suffice.

Another good way to practice acceptance is to share about a time when you were accepted by others, even by one person. It can be an animating experience, and it’s impactful because you are also listening to yourself saying the words. I was accepted by my mentor Michael even though I transferred all of my Dad issues on him and treated him like garbage. He saw something in me that I could not, and he committed to hold on to it until I could own it for myself. He stuck with me in a way I didn’t know I needed: he taught me to stick with myself. He cried openly when I finally apologized for all of the transference and projection—it was a lot for him to hold. I miss him, his weird Rhode Island / New York accent, his crazy hair, and his laugh. I do this work to honor his life.

A couple more things that can help keep the Fraud Police at bay:

1. Believe that your employers all knew what they were doing when they hired you.
2. Remember that everything you’ve ever done, every glorious success and messy failure, and every forward and backward step you have taken have all gotten you where you are today, right now.
3. The next time someone gives you feedback—solicited or otherwise—just thank them. Wait 24 hours before responding, so that they might feel like they can give you feedback again some other time.

Aya: Let me tell you Lily’s story, once upon a time in a little town, there lived a girl named Lily. She loved to paint, and her dream was to have her artwork displayed in the town's gallery. One sunny day, she gathered all her courage and submitted her paintings.

But alas, the reply came, and it wasn't what Lily expected. Rejection echoed in the letter. Her dreams seemed to shatter like fragile glass. Yet, amidst the disappointment, a wise friend told her, "Rejection is Redirection, Lily. It's guiding you to something even better."

Lily pondered on those words, and slowly, a new path unfolded. She decided to attend art classes, where she met other aspiring artists, each with their unique stories of rejection and resilience. Lessons blossomed like flowers in her heart, teaching her that rejection wasn't a dead end but a turn in the road.

As Lily learned to use rejection as a learning opportunity, she discovered colors within herself she never knew existed. Each rejection was a brushstroke, adding depth to her canvas of life. She wouldn't know as much about herself had rejection not happened in her life.

In her art classes, Lily met a wise mentor named Grace. Grace emphasized the beauty of imperfection. "Progress, not perfection," she would say. Lily embraced this mantra, realizing that each stroke didn't have to be flawless. It was the progress, the journey, that mattered.

Acceptance became Lily's new companion. She learned to flow with the twists and turns of life, accepting the unexpected colors that rejection brought. The canvas of her life transformed into a masterpiece not despite rejection, but because of it.

One day, as Lily painted in her studio, she received an unexpected call. The town gallery had reconsidered her work. They wanted to showcase her art! Lily's heart danced with joy. It wasn't just about the destination; it was about the journey of acceptance, flow, and grace.

And so, Lily's paintings adorned the gallery walls, each telling a story of rejection turned into redirection, lessons learned, progress embraced, and acceptance, flow, and grace reigning supreme. The little town now knew that sometimes, the most beautiful paintings were created from the canvas of a resilient heart.

We're all like Lily, crafting our distinct masterpieces. Yet, the universe stretches far beyond the confines of a town gallery. Our trails of acceptance, flow, and grace might be tough, but that's the very essence binding us to our true selves.

Pete: This is so so important. In some cultures, rejection is seen as making you stronger by thickening your skin, which in turn helps you hustle better. It's less common to see rejection described as a learning opportunity that shapes your life and informs your choices.

Besides, nobody ever learned anything by getting it right the first time.

That's Chapter 5! What resonates with you? Let us know in the comments, and be sure to return this Wednesday for Chapter 6: Resiliency.

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