Rejection & Acceptance, Chapter 3: Judgement

Pete: In Chapters 1 & 2 we talked about our fear of and our roots of rejection. Aya starts Chapter 3 by describing what she knows about her inner critic and how she changed her relationship with it.

Aya: In the theater of the mind, judgment plays the lead role, often turning a spotlight onto the wounds of rejection and making them sting even more. Picture a critical voice, an inner judge, ever ready to cast its verdict on every action and choice.

When the mindset is judgmental, rejection becomes not just a simple sting but a deep wound. The judge within amplifies every rejection, turning it into a harsh critique of one's worth. It's as if the inner critic takes each rejection and magnifies it, projecting it onto the grand screen of self-perception.

Imagine a person seeking connection, navigating the delicate dance of relationships. The judgmental mindset, however, acts as a relentless director, scrutinizing every move. A casual comment becomes a potential flaw, a slight misstep turns into a glaring mistake. The fear of rejection, fueled by this critical lens, intensifies, creating a cycle that's hard to break.

The wounds inflicted by rejection, under the harsh gaze of judgment, become more than just emotional bruises—they become scars etched with the words of self-condemnation. "Not good enough," "unworthy," or "flawed" echo in the corridors of the mind, making each rejection a confirmation of these harsh judgments.

Moreover, the judgmental mindset doesn't just stop at external rejections. It turns inward, critiquing one's own worth and choices. Every rejection becomes a piece of evidence in the case against oneself, strengthening the narrative of inadequacy.

Breaking free from this cycle requires a shift in perspective. Imagine the protagonist challenging the judgmental director, questioning the validity of its critiques. What if, instead of accepting the harsh verdict, they chose to see rejection as a redirection—a detour leading to growth and self-discovery?

In a non-judgmental mindset, rejection becomes a lesson rather than a condemnation. The wounds, though still present, transform into stepping stones toward resilience. The protagonist, armed with self-compassion, learns that judgmental thoughts are not absolute truths but biases that can be challenged and changed.

So, the narrative evolves. The judgmental mindset, once a formidable foe, loses its grip, allowing the wounds of rejection to heal with the balm of self-acceptance. The protagonist, now the storyteller, reshapes the tale, turning rejection from a tragedy into a narrative of strength, growth, and the triumph of an authentic self.

Pete: I love that. Take yourself out of the protagonist-antagonist paradigm, rise above it, and tell the story with less emotion and more openness. This takes more than saying, “I might learn something.” It requires us to try saying, “I want to learn from this,” or even, “I am worth the pause required to explore the learning opportunity here.”

It also helped when I stopped taking myself too seriously. This helped decrease the frequency with which my inner critic shows up to amplify others’ judgement, or worse, create it all on my own.

For example, I used to struggle with coming up with questions to ask. When I was younger I would blurt out questions because that’s what kids do, but sometimes the backlash from asking something silly would feel like too much to hold. I learned not to ask too many questions because I didn’t like feeling stupid, but what I didn’t know was that I was opting out using my voice, belonging, or otherwise including myself.

How might we connect the more personal aspects of interpersonal judgement to our professional lives? This will require a little unpacking.

• First, when someone states their assumptions about you—be they right or wrong—does it land in your body anywhere? What does it feel like, and where do you feel it in your body? Do you close down or open up? Do you feel constricted anywhere? Do you feel the need to defend yourself?
• Second, what is your basis of reference for who you are? Are you internally referenced, externally referenced, or a little of columns A & B? Put another way, if you were in a room full of people, who would you be?
• Third, how often do you hear yourself judging others, and how often do you hear yourself judging yourself? Which do you do more often?

Aya and I talked about Noticing in our first article, and its value as a practice cannot be overstated here. There are many other questions we can ask ourselves, and also, it’s important to go slowly and really check in. There are no right answers, and there is no need to fix anything about yourself upon discovery. Simply notice, understand your choices, and decide if you want to make different ones going forward.

It’s also worth noting that when we talk about judgement, we focus on behaviors, words, and actions more than on any person’s disposition. It’s about what we choose to do, not about who we are, in this case. And when we talk about shifting our perspective, we do so as gently as possible. Trust in your ability to heal without needing to practice “active fixing.”

Finally, the word “should” does not serve. “Should” doesn’t take care of you or give you clarity or choice; it can prolong unhealthy self-judgement. Take it out of your vocabulary and try using “shall” instead. “Shall” sets your sights on learning from your past experience and helps you lead yourself.

Thanks for reading! What do you think so far? Stay tuned for Chapter 4: Curiosity, to be published this Friday.

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