Reimagining the Holidays: A Conflict Management Guide
Kimberly Best, RN, MA, Conflict Management, Author, Speaker
I'll admit it – I don't love Christmas. There, I've said it. In a world of carefully curated holiday photos and cheerful social media posts, it feels almost embarrassing to acknowledge this truth. But I know I'm not alone. For many of us, the holiday season brings a complex mix of emotions, memories, and family dynamics that can be challenging to navigate.
Recent studies show that about one in four people are estranged from a family member. This statistic isn't just a number – it represents countless holiday tables with empty chairs, unopened gifts, unspoken words, and a legacy that robs everyone of opportunity to connect.? Yet I believe we have options. We can choose a different path, one that allows us to maintain our authenticity while building bridges of understanding.
The Weight of Holiday Expectations
Last year, I watched my friend Sarah struggle with her annual Christmas dinner. Her mother insisted on saying grace before meals – a tradition that conflicted with Sarah's newly embraced atheism. Instead of refusing to attend or creating a scene, Sarah found a beautiful compromise. "Mom," she said, "while I don't share your beliefs, I respect what this moment means to you. During grace, I'll be silently expressing my gratitude for having such a loving family." Her mother, touched by this honesty, squeezed her hand in understanding.
This moment taught me something profound about holiday values. Perhaps the true spirit of the season isn't about sharing identical beliefs, but about finding ways to honor each other's values and humanity.?? It reminds me of a conflict management tenet:? The solutions isn’t your way OR my way.? It’s your way AND my way.
When Differences Divide Us
Tom and his brother were clients of mine who co-owned a business.? Outside of work-related issues, they hadn't spoken in three years.? The acrimony spilled into their workplace and was affecting everyone.?? The problem began over political differences that came to a head during a heated Thanksgiving debate. "I kept trying to change his mind," Tom told me, "until, through this conflict management process,? I realized I was writing his story instead of my own." They recently reconnected, not because either changed their views, but because they chose to prioritize their relationship over being right.
?Their reconciliation didn't require a dramatic shift in beliefs. Instead, it began with small steps:
- Agreeing to focus on shared memories rather than current events
- Choosing to celebrate their common ground – their love for their aging parents, their children's accomplishments, their shared childhood stories
- Making conscious decisions to redirect conversations when they veered toward triggering topics
I remember a client once saying to me, “Seriously, in the history of forever, has a political argument ever changed someone’s mind?”
Creating New Traditions
Maria, a client who struggled with traditional family gatherings, decided to create what she calls "chosen family dinners" during the holiday season. She hosts a monthly dinner for friends who, like her, find the holidays challenging. "We've created our own traditions," she explains. "We share meals, but we also share our struggles and victories. There's no pressure to be festive – just authentic."???
Maria reminds me that we don’t have to keep doing things the same “old” way.? We can be creative and try new ways.? New times call for new ways.? It doesn’t have to be the old way or the new way either.?? It can be the old way AND a new way.
The Path to Peace
The holiday season amplifies everything – joy and pain, connection and loneliness, harmony and conflict. But we have more options than we sometimes realize:
1. Embrace Imperfection
Instead of striving for picture-perfect gatherings, we can aim for genuine connections. Sometimes the most memorable moments come from embracing the messiness of real relationships.
2. Commit to who You Will Be
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We can choose to limit exposure to triggering situations while maintaining basic respect and civility. This might mean shorter visits, having an exit strategy, or choosing alternative ways to celebrate.? It can also mean deciding to look for the good, enjoy the moment, treasure that you are together, and release yourself from expectations.
3. Honor Multiple Truths
We are different people, so of course we see the world differently.? We can acknowledge that differing viewpoints can coexist. Your aunt's political views and your cousin's religious choices don't have to align for family love to persist.? An easy mantra to remember:? Just because I don’t agree with you, doesn’t mean I’m against you.? It means I’m different from you.? I’m me.
4. Let go of the Right/Wrong Dichotomy
One of my best friends taught me a priceless lesson decades ago.? She said when she argues with her husband, she always won.? I know this is true because she’s one of the smartest people I know.? She said that one day she realized that when she won, she had to make him lose.? She said she wanted to love him enough that she didn’t make him lose.? That gift works with right/wrong, too.?? For me to be right, I have to make someone else wrong.? I want to care enough about people that I don’t have to make them wrong.
Finding Your Path
Remember, holiday peace doesn't require everyone to agree or even to like each other. It requires something both simpler and more challenging – the willingness to let others be who they are while remaining true to ourselves; the better version of ourselves.? Not our judgment and righteousness, but from a place that aligns with what the holidays were meant to represent – love, joy, peace, and togetherness.
When I stopped expecting my family to celebrate the way I thought they should, even to be who I thought they should,? I found a lot of joy I'd been missing. ?The quiet cup of coffee with my daughter before everyone wakes up. The way my nephew's eyes light up when he tells me about his latest passion.? The excitement the grandchildren have just because Christmas is coming.??? I remind myself that “should” is based on my own rules and values, and it’s not my place to impose those on other people.? I let go of expectations that likely set others up to fail.? And what a surprise!? I’m enjoying myself.
Writing Our Own Stories
Here's what I've learned through my journey with holiday conflicts: We're always writing the story of who we want to be, and we need to let go of writing who someone else should be. ?We’re all at a point on the path of our life journey and that point changes.? Where someone is, is “for now”.? All of us are trying to figure things out, yet we do so at our own time and space.
This simple truth has transformed how I approach family gatherings. Instead of focusing on changing others' views or behaviors, I ask myself what story I want to tell through my own actions and responses.? When we are purposeful about who we want to be, we can create a better experience for others.? If things start to go sideways inside of me, I remember it’s a good time to look into the mirror.? I cannot control how others show up.? It’s enough of a goal to be who I want to be.?
?Conclusion
The holiday season will always bring its challenges. But perhaps that's part of its gift – the opportunity to practice compassion, love when it’s not easy, and choose connection over conflict. Every moment doesn’t have to be great. ?We don't have to agree with everyone. We just have to remain open to the possibility that we can be different and still find ways to care for each other.
After all, isn't that what the holiday spirit is truly about?
For those struggling with family relationships, remember that professional support is available. Sometimes the most caring choice we can make is to seek help in navigating these complex dynamics.
Book a Power Hour with our master mediator and conflict resolution expert, Kimberly Best, and discover the solution to the conflict issue that has been keeping you up?at night. Whether it's a co-worker that you must have a difficult conversation with or a situation affecting business outcomes -- use this laser-focused session to find the help you need.?
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