Regret

I grew up in a small town in Ohio (pictured above). I worked hard in school, and even harder in music, but lacked confidence, maturity, and exposure as I entered my high school years. I struggled to find my way, and this was personified in my college selection process. While I dreamed of becoming a professional trumpet player (and studying in college for same), I sadly realized that I didn't have enough talent to make it as a professional musician; a decision I do NOT regret after spending a week in the National High School Honors Band around truly gifted musicians. I turned down music scholarships to several colleges, and instead enrolled at the regional campus of a large state University that my Dad taught at in our small town. I have always regretted that decision. I ended up transferring to another college when I had exhausted all the courses I could take at the regional campus; a decision I also regretted due to a lack of goodness of fit as a transfer student. I have always longed for a "do over." Until recently, I didn't even list these schools on my LinkedIn profile because I was embarrassed. After all (I rationalized), I work in the ivory tower where many of my colleagues went to some of the finest academic institutions in the country.

I am clearly not alone in regretting some of my life choices. To understand regret better, I recently finished reading Daniel Pink’s 2022 book entitled, “The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward.” You can check out the book, HERE. The book starts off with some compelling narratives about the founding of the “No Regrets” movement.? The author posits that while this mindset may be helpful and aspirational, it just isn't possible. To live life as a human being means that we will all have some things that we wished we had done differently.? The author lays out a useful framework called, “The Deep Structures of Regret,” and describes his justification as follows: “If we know what people regret the most, we can reverse the image to reveal what they value the most.” Let me share this with you briefly in the words of the author.

• Foundational Regret:? We seek a measure of stability – a reasonably sturdy foundation of material, physical, and mental well-being.? The human need this type of regret reveals is the need for stability.
• Boldness Regret: We hope to use our limited time to explore and grow; by pursuing novelty and being bold.? The human need this type of regret reveals is the need for growth and development.
• Moral Regret: We aspire to do the right thing – to be, and to be seen as, good people who honor our moral commitments.? The human need this type of regret reveals is the need for goodness in our lives.
• Connection Regret: We yearn to connect with others – to forge friendships and family relationships bonded by love.? The human need this type of regret reveals is the need for love.

Great framework, but how does that help us as we try to deal with our regrets and move on with life? Rather than anguish over something, we need to “At Least” rather than “If Only” in the words of the author. “At least I took a chance." That sounds a lot better than, “If only I had taken a chance.” This book reminds us that we should be more kind to ourselves. We all make decisions in our lives, that upon reflection, we wish we had handled better or done something differently. We long for a second chance to get something "right." But that isn’t how life works, and we would not be ourselves without our failures and regrets. Regret can help us focus on the future and move us forward so we don’t get stuck in the past making the same mistakes over and over again. I found that comforting and valuable insight.

In the past, I focused on the "If Only" of my college decision. When I applied an "At Least" mindset to that decision instead, my entire perspective changed. At least I attended college (many people in my hometown did not). At least I attended a college where the faculty all had Ph.D.'s in their disciplines and taught every class because they wanted to teach (not true in much of academia). At least I connected with faculty that took a genuine interest in me, and encouraged me in my desire to become a physician (two of my professors wrote letters of recommendations for medical school). Perhaps if I had attended a more prestigious institution I would not have worked so hard, or felt the need to constantly look for ways to strengthen my academic credentials. Perhaps I would not have taken a chance and applied for a prestigious national research fellowship which proved critical for my medical school application. The list goes on and on, and ultimately in retrospect, my regret fueled my work ethic and desire to succeed. Without that regret, I know I would not be where I am today. But it's far past time that I let it go, and this book helped me to do that.

Is there a regret you are harboring that is holding you back? If so, I would encourage you to contemplate that regret in a more constructive manner. Perhaps, with the above construct, you can acknowledge your regret, reframe it (At Least rather than If Only), learn from it, and move on with your life; wiser and more complete from having experienced your regret.