Regret & Counterfactual thinking

Another year is coming to a close…it presents another opportunity for us to reflect on the year gone by, on the past…some positive emotions and some not-positive ones as well.?One of the most common negative emotions people experience is that of Regret – 83% of the population experience regret at least occasionally!

Regret = a painful imagining of what might have been.?

“The power of Regret” author Daniel Pink has done extensive research on Regrets, analysing a compendium of 23,000 regrets from all over the world.?He says that Regrets of inaction (what people didn’t do) are twice as prevalent as Regrets of action (what people did) as we grow over 40 years.

Let us move to the pinnacle of athletics – the Olympics.??Multiple researches done on many Olympic games have led to the same conclusion - Athletes who finished third (bronze medalists) appeared significantly happier than those who finished second (silver medalist). The average rating of the facial expressions of bronze medalists was 7.1 on an agony-to-ecstasy scale of 1-10. But silver medalists were neutral, even tilting slightly toward unhappy. Their rating: 4.8 on the same scale.?Football lovers may be able to relate this to the expression on Mbappe’s face after the recent FIFA worldcup final…?

But why are Silver medalists unhappier than bronze medalists??The reason, researchers say, is Counterfactual thinking.

Counterfactual thinking = concocting events that run counter to the actual facts; can point either down or up

Downward counterfactuals or “At leasts” make us contemplate how an alternative could have been worse. Ex: I did not get the promotion, but at least I did not get fired.?I did not win the gold, but at least I made it to the podium.

Upward counterfactuals or “If onlys” make us imagine how things could have been better.?Ex: If only I had taken up one more assignment from the Boss, I would have gotten the promotion.?If only I had stretched a bit more, I would have won the gold.

Whether in Olympics or at work, At leasts deliver comfort and consolation, while If onlys deliver discomfort and distress.?

Regret is the ultimate If only counterfactual.?The source of its power is that it muddles the conventional pain-pleasure calculus. Its very purpose is to make us feel worse—because by making us feel worse today, regret helps us do better tomorrow.?On the other hand, At Least?counterfactuals preserve our feelings in the moment, but they rarely enhance our decisions or performance in the future.

Reframed, Regret, while discomforting, offers wisdom on how to connect in the future with things that we value.?Don’t turn away from regret too fast!

Incidentally, from the World Regret Survey, the biggest category of regrets were “If only I had reached out” connection regrets.?As 2023 dawns, isn’t it an opportune time to reach out to people who have fallen off your connection grid, and have a few regrets less??

I wish you a very healthy and fulfilling 2023!